Why would he leave, when he was so happy and loved me?

[Bams]

My boyfriend and I are both in the process of a divorce. Mine has been very easy, however he has two small children ages 1 and 3 (who I love and my daughters ages 9 and 15 accepted as their own siblings) , and although he was very happy with me, he missed his kids. His ex was attempting to reduce his custody and wanted a lot of money. He worked almost 100 hours a week between three jobs to support his ex until she went back to work and was able to support herself, which she could easily since she had made 6 figures in the past. After she hired a lawyer and he realized that the divorce would become difficult he became overwhelmed with working, trying to see his kids and then be home with me and making our relationship work. So, one night he calmly said he needed to move out and needed time to get his life under control and fight for his kids and financial future. He hugged me tight, kissed me and said he loved me, but had to go. He doesn't want me to contact him, because he said its just too difficult to maintain any kind of a relationship right now, yet he thinks of me all the time and said that he doesn't deserve my love. He won't talk in detail about his feelings for me, because he says he can't, however he said that his kids are so important to him and he needs them, so right now he is willing to give up the one person in his life that truly made him happy. So, what I am wondering is if he truly loves me and most people who know him believe that we are perfect together, then will he be back if I don't chase after him and I give him his time? The other thing I was wondering how does divorce affect men, regarding children, new love etc.

[melrich]

How long has he been separated from his wife?

 

From what you have written I think he has taken a very mature approach to this. He has a lot of issues that need resolving. I am sure he loves you from what you have posted however his past is impacting on your relationship. He recognises that with all the stresses he is under, if he remaisn with you now there is the potential that your relationship will be ruined.

 

Let him know you are there for him and that you understand he must deal with the remaining issues from his marriage before he can hope to build a committed relationship with you.

[DN]

The fact is that most people, there are exceptions, will make any sacrifice for their children and it would appear that he sees that he has no choice but to sacrifice his love for you because of his children.

 

It is very hard for you - but you may be able to see it from his point of view if you had to make a similar decision about your children.

[Bams]

How long has he been separated from his wife?

 

From what you have written I think he has taken a very mature approach to this. He has a lot of issues that need resolving. I am sure he loves you from what you have posted however his past is impacting on your relationship. He recognises that with all the stresses he is under, if he remaisn with you now there is the potential that your relationship will be ruined.

 

Let him know you are there for him and that you understand he must deal with the remaining issues from his marriage before he can hope to build a committed relationship with you.

 

He has been separated 6 monthes. This is his second separation from her in 5 years and this time he is committed to ending the marriage.

 

He and I knew each other for two years and found we were both unhappy with our marriages, and we knew we had found something special in each other. However we both decided that we needed to decide separately what we wanted and then if we were available and separated then we would be together, but not until then. He wanted us to eventually get married, he knew exactly where he was going to purpose and where the wedding would be. He wanted to surprise me and I was fine with that. I don't want to hang onto false hope, and I am not just sitting around waiting for him, I am a very independent woman, who has a lot of friends and interests. But, I do love him, I just wish I knew if he was going to come back how long it might take?

[melrich]

6 months is a very short time to get over all the issues associated with a relatively long marriage. Seriously, I think it would be difficult for your relationship to survive with all this other "stuff" hanging around (believe me I have been exactly there).

 

Stay supportive of him and give him some space. I think he is being totally honest with you with what he has told you so far. A marriage break up takes far more strain on you than you ever imagine it would no matter how convinced you are that the marriage was over.

[Hope75]

See, I am from a different school of thinking, where if he felt a true partnership with you that during this diffcult time he would lean on you instead of turn away from you.

 

Unless you were putting alot of demands on him that he felt he could not handle on top of his stresses at work and trying to see his children, or if his wife was trying to get his custody/visitation time reduced because he was dating you and she tried to make that seem like a negative thing for thier children.... I can't see a logical reason why he would run instead of turn to you for support.

 

Were there any other problems in the relationship? Were you putting demands on him, adding to his stress level?

[Bams]

I wasn't putting extra demands on him. I knew this was going to be a rough road, but I felt in time his life would balance out. I did nothing but support him and help him anyway I could, but I do think he felt guilty because he wasn't able to give me much in return.

[melrich]

I have to disagree Hope.

 

I have been in this situation and you have so much pressure on you from family, friends and the ex. Your new partner also has views on how things should be panning out, you are carrying so much baggage into the new relationship and have so little time for your new partner that they start to feel neglected. Then they try and give you advice but of course it is colored by their perspective and that just adds to the pressure.

 

My new relationship survived, but only just and with many rocky moments. If I had my time over I'd do exactly what this guys is doing, sort out my past before going into a full on committed relationship.

 

That doesn't mean I would advise staying away fro each other completely but allowing him plenty of space to deal with all the conflicting issues in his head.

[Bams]

6 months is a very short time to get over all the issues associated with a relatively long marriage. Seriously, I think it would be difficult for your relationship to survive with all this other "stuff" hanging around (believe me I have been exactly there).

 

Stay supportive of him and give him some space. I think he is being totally honest with you with what he has told you so far. A marriage break up takes far more strain on you than you ever imagine it would no matter how convinced you are that the marriage was over.

 

I talked with him calmly on the phone last Friday and we both told each other how much we loved each other, but he wouldn't go into anymore detail, he said that was just too difficult right now. I then wrote him an email thanking him for talking and giving me so answers. I told him I would give him the time he needs and that I wouldn't call or write. I told him I loved him enough to let him go, but not to think that I have closed the door, because maybe sometime in the future we could still work out. I have faith, but I just wish I knew how long it might take him to resolve his issues.

[Bams]

He has asked me to give him 6 months. When I asked him if we could still spend time with each other or keep in touch, he said he needs to get his life under control and get the custody he desires with his kids and that he doesn't know how long it will take, but that he needed that 6 months. I know his wife blames me for the divorce and he did tell my girlfriend that he didn't want to drag me into anything nasty.

[melrich]

I think that is a great aproach. I can't give you an answer as to how long it will take. I know when I was feeling overwhelmed by everything I just felt like I needed a couple of months to sort things out. I hope that is the case for you guys.

 

Stay in touch with him and supportive, most of all do not offer any advice on his dealings with his ex. That was the thing that really felt like pressure to me. Stuff like "well why is she asking for this when she has already got that..." etc.

[Bams]

The fact is that most people, there are exceptions, will make any sacrifice for their children and it would appear that he sees that he has no choice but to sacrifice his love for you because of his children.

 

It is very hard for you - but you may be able to see it from his point of view if you had to make a similar decision about your children.

 

He is a very affectionate man, who enjoys being held, kissed and loved. Why should he have to give up a loving partner to have his kids. Most people need more from life then kids. If that was all he needed then he could have stayed in his marriage, because that is what he had. However, he was so deprived of love. His wife didn't even want him to hug her. This is a guy who would hold me all night long, while we slept.

[Bams]

I think that is a great aproach. I can't give you an answer as to how long it will take. I know when I was feeling overwhelmed by everything I just felt like I needed a couple of months to sort things out. I hope that is the case for you guys.

 

Stay in touch with him and supportive, most of all do not offer any advice on his dealings with his ex. That was the thing that really felt like pressure to me. Stuff like "well why is she asking for this when she has already got that..." etc.

 

It's funny I did do those sorts of things, but that is because he always wanted to talk things out with me. I tried to not say much, but I did give opinions now and then

[melrich]

Yeah i know it is perfectly natural, you have a vested interest. But he will feel it as pressure and it will make him clam up and close you out. You really have to bite your tongue, I know I resented my new partner for a lot of the comments she made because I felt like she presumed a lot about my relationship with my ex wife (who I still loved as a person and did not take well to someone else making derogatory comments about).

[Bams]

Yeah i know it is perfectly natural, you have a vested interest. But he will feel it as pressure and it will make him clam up and close you out. You really have to bite your tongue, I know I resented my new partner for a lot of the comments she made because I felt like she presumed a lot about my relationship with my ex wife (who I still loved as a person and did not take well to someone else making derogatory comments about).

 

OK, so I give him time, I give him space, I don't give my opinion which will be easy since he and I are not talking right now. So, given he still loves me, how long do you think he will need to get his life under control? I don't want to give up on him, because I really think we have something special, but I don't want to hold out false hope.

[melrich]

I don't know. Again my experience was that one day I'd feel it was all too hard, the next I'd be OK. Everyone is different. Give yourself a couple of months. See how he plays it in that time.

[Bams]

I don't know. Again my experience was that one day I'd feel it was all too hard, the next I'd be OK. Everyone is different. Give yourself a couple of months. See how he plays it in that time.

 

Well, I thank you for your advice. He and I were planning on me getting my Real Estate Lic and then I would help him with his side loan and RE business. So, I have decided that while I am giving him the time and space he needs I will continue what we started and get that lic. and when I do I plan on going into the Mtg. Loan business with or without him. I want him to know I love him, but that I don't depend on him for happiness or financially. I want him to know that I want him for who he his and that together we can each add to each others happiness in life and support each other.

[melrich]

Perfect