Is talking to my EX fiance wrong?

[tabytha]

I was engaged for just over two years, about two years ago.

 

I ended up calling the wedding off. There was alot going on, but basically i was suffering CFS and Depression and i couldn't see our relationship surviving the strain. I think looking back, i wanted to stop feeling guilty, like i was ruining his life. Also his parents offered to pay forhim to go to Uni, something he'd always wanted and I couldn't face moving to another country. Neither of us really wanted to break up but we did, even when just before he left, i discovered i was pregnent, it broke my heart, but i terminated the pregnancy and sent him away, telling him to find a better woman then I.

 

Anyway we still remained in contact. We had always been close and were eachothers secret keepers. After a few months I visited a mutual friend in his country and caught up with him. He wanted to get back together and i refused again. Then about a year after our original break up I decided i did love him and wanted to try again. But by now he had found someone. I respected that, but true to our old ways i had to be honest with him, so i still told him how i felt. You can imagine the turmoil I put the poor boy in. I'd broken his heart, then when he found someone i wanted him back. He ummed and ahh'd and they actually broke up over me (which was not my intent but i was happy for a time).

 

But then, bless him, he did the right thing and severed contact. He wanted to try and get her back and asked me to stay out of his life. There was no crualty there, and tho i was heartbroken i understood the reason. We didn't sever contact due to hate, but because we still cared for eachother a great deal and that could sabotage any future relationship for both of us. The timing was almost laughable tho as I'd already organised to move to his country... yes i moved countries for him (and other reasons). But i honoured his request. Even when i bumped into his sister months later and she wanted to catch up, i left it all alone. I accepted he was gone from my life and moved on. i still though of him from time to time, but only to wish him well.

 

And i moved on. I have a new boyfriends and tho we have issuses and I've whinged about him here on bad days, we're mostly happy and content. I wouldn't trade him in for another.

 

Now here's the issue.

 

A few weeks ago i accidently forwarded a request email to everyone in my email box. i didn't think much of it until i suddenly got an email from my Ex fiance. It was a simple email saying he was surprised to hear from me, hoped i was well etc. Well... i emailed him back in shock, saying he was the last person i expected to hear from, but glad all the same and i hope his well etc. he's emailed me again and I emailed him again. And i don't feel weird. i told my exfiance i have a boyfriend, and I'm glad he did the NC thing, i also told him the truth ( as i i've always done) that I'm glad he contacted me because i miss his friendship. to make sure i wasn't doing anything sly, i told my current boyfriend i'd recently been in contact with my ex fiance, and tho he admits feeling a little jealous he acknowledged it's his own insecurities rather then any fear of me leaving him.

 

And you know i don't think i would.

 

I'm so glad to be in contact with my ex again, but only as friends, as were were after we broke up initially. I want to remain in contact now it's been re-established. I don't feel like it would threaten my currently relationship at all ( and that comes as a surprise) I always thought I'd LOVE my ex and would fall for him, but... well it's been a year of NC and tho yes i still care for him, it seems totally platonic. I can't erase our history, we shared so much, but it seems more like his a long lost family member now then a possible flame.

 

I suppose i just need to make sure his intentions are merely platonic too. And if thats all there is i don't see the harm in being friends, I miss that bond we shared once. But if his intentions are otherwise (He's convieniently NOT mentioned a g'f in the last two emails) , i guess i'll have to do the NC this time, in respect for my current boyfriend. But i'll find it a shame to lose someone so dear to me for a third time.

[Beec]

There is nothing wrong with you being in contact with him.

 

But you do need to limit it, out of respect for your current guy and also so you make sure you don't mislead the ex fiance.

 

However, there is no reason it need ever end. Just make sure there are limits of frequency, etc.

[tabytha]

i agree.

 

it's only been two emails in just over two weeks. It doesn't seem alot to me.

 

but i do need to be careful.

 

he goes to uni in the same city i work, and I'd LOVE to catch up with him for coffee (No alcohol, lol just in case hehehe) and a real catch up. Just one of those conversations like we used to. Something simple

 

But thats going too far. In my book anyway. And i don't want to be stupid. Cause i love my current boyfriend, and want to make things work between us, but one of the whinges i had about him here was lack over communications/conversation. So smart as i can be i'm still capable of being a stupid little girl at times and I'd be worried that, i'd have a good time talking to my ex, come home with no conversation from my current and then start talking myself into all kinds of crazy thinking.

 

We all get a little stupid when something good comes along when something bads happened, our rationality goes out the window. Nothings bad at the moment with my current. at all This is just a what if conversation. Basically i don't want my ex to screw up my relationship like i may have done with his (i may not have, for all i know he and this girl are together)

 

My current BF and i are sorting out some issues, and glad as i am that my ex is back his timing couldn't have been worse. So I'll just stick to safe occasional emails for now. nothing more. LOL and if i do feel weak (which i feel is unlikely 8) ) i'll come here for a good lecture.

[DN]

If you do this - be very aware of the pitfalls.

 

It is not at all unusual for former boyfriends/girlfriends or former fiancés to develop romantic feelings again. High school reunions are a favourite way for this to happen.

 

You had a connection strong enough to become engaged - although it was not strong enough to carry through to a marriage, it was still strong.

 

Make sure it doesn't cause a rift between you and your current b/f. He is between a rock and a hard place on this one: he must be aware of the danger of losing you if your feelings do come back, but if he says he doesn't want you to be in contact he looks jealous or controlling or distrustful. You will have to reassure him often and it still may weaken your relationship with him.

[tabytha]

yeah i know the dangers. But i've always been an honest person in relationships (Liars always get caught anyway and i don't see the point). Thats why i told my ex i have a boyfriend, and told my boyfriend i had heard from my ex and that I'd told my ex about my boyfriend (that seemed to ease his mind a little).

 

My boyfriend hasn't told me not to contact my boyfriend again, and I'll do everything in my power to make him know he's number one in my life. His insecurities go way back to before we meet so he's told me his slight jealousy is just another excuse. But if he gets more uncomfortable, i'll sever contact. Or if my ex and I get too close i'll sever contact.

 

Honestly though i do see us as just two friends catching up. I know i've grown up and changed since then, so i don't see why he shouldn't have.

 

but if there's any danger signs i'll sever contact immeditely. I know my ex would understand and dear as he is to me my boyfriend comes first.

 

Thanks DN for your advice and support. it's so much easier to stay grounded with a little understanding.