Jealousy with a serious girlfriend

[naked_turk]

I've been in an emotionally deep relationship with a certain girl for about 9 months now, and things seem to be going well. She's a wonderful girl in every way and I love everything about her... Except for one thing: Her eyes wander and because of this I have never felt I am physically attractive in her eyes.

 

She does find me attractive in some way... she always uses words like "cute" and "gorgeous" to describe me, but that doesn't convince me. Every time we're out its painfully obvious to see her head turn 90 degrees to some guy. To make it worse, these guys look nothing like me -- They're mostly tall, muscular and black. I'm medium height, medium build and mediterranean.

 

It also breaks me when she looks at certain celebs with hungry, lustful eyes, and verbally expresses how sexually attracted she is to them.

 

Now I'm not stupid, I wouldn't give a rat's rear end if this was just any girl. I know her past and I know she's never been emotionally attached before me, and I know she's not toying with me. It is obvious in any other circumstance that she loves me. The problem is, when I bring this up she says I'm being overly concerned and needlessly jealous.

 

Who is right? Am I too jealous or is she just inconsiderate? What am I to do? What am I to do if I am having trouble with my self-image (I've never had this problem before) ?

[Millerm]

Ummm I think shes right but im not sure....if she loves you thats all that would matter to me...I would just be soooo happy that i am with her

[NorthStar90745]

if she loves you she would not flirt like that with other men....its as simple as common curtesy... class...you know...sort of like..an unspoken respect for your feelings...me for example i love looking at other girls...but i would not do that when my girl is around...i hope you get my meaning...if you cant stand it, flirt with other girls and maybe you'll find someone thats attracted to you ...not like men thats not you.....besides, this is probably the kind of girl that gets off by making you jeoluos...giving hher a since of power over you...you really dont need that

[kskm]

I disagree with the above poster. I think that it's natural to look at other people- I am a girl and I check out other girls along with guys all the time. It doesn't mean that I want to be with them or get their attention, I just like to look.... so does my boyfriend. And especially with the famous people- everybody's got a favorite- Jessica Simpson and Gwen Stephani have my boyfriends eyes, and Brad Pitt and George Clooney have mine- doesn't mean anything would ever happen!!!!! lol. I think that you should calm down. She's with you because she wants to be- if she wanted out she would get out.

[Cecelius]

You need to not care. Seriously, do not care at your core. The more confidence you have, the more she will like you. Let her look, encourage her to look... If you see another dude, encourage her to go talk to him...

 

Second, she is a 19 year old girl. With all due respect, it makes no sense to rely on her "love" to keep her with you. If she smells fear, or gets bored, she is gone.

 

Treat her well, and treat her like you could walk away without a second thought.

 

It also helps to go to the gym if you're not already. People need something to be confident about.

[Falucchi]

Wow- how rude! How ill-mannered! How impolite! How disdainful.

Oh wait-- this is one of the ways she shows her "love" for you.

 

Well, this is who she is: rude, mean, dismissive of someone's feelings. She knows her rudeness hurts you, doesn't care, and does it anyway. If this is the type of woman you love, then, well, get used to it-- she may or may not outgrow it.

 

Meanwhile, why do you want to be with someone who purposefully makes you feel bad? Who purposefully makes you feel bad again and again and again? As they say, "she ain't all that" -- she's bloody rude!

[7CardStud]

if u want to try something....

 

Try looking at some other girl, or making some rude comment about a celeb... "I'd like to tap that..." or something haha...

 

See what her reaction is...

 

This isn't prolly a good idea, and I don't recommend it... It could backfire in ur face BE CAREFUL!

 

I just think most girls don't really think about what they are doing until it happens to them.

[Luciana]

naked-turk, I know how you feel, and even if people say it's "natural", it still hurts. You can't help wondering if she's still looking and you are just a temporary fix.

In my case I told him plain and simple how I felt. It got better over the years, I think he is training himself to look less. He was single for a while and on the "look out". It's a matter of training. He still slips once in a while and I say: "you like her, huh? Why don't you go get her number". It is a joke but it embarrases him. It is more effective than just complaining.

I tried to look too but he didn't care, so I was wasting my time.

So tell her how unconfortable she makes you feel. I wish you the best because I have suffered for 6 years with this (now much less).

Detail: even though guys are more visual, there are men who don't do that. My ex-husband never checked out other women, making me feel safe.

[Luciana]

Falucci, you are bloody right!

[Minty80]

I don't think she's a mean horrible person because of this, nor do I think you are wrong to let it upset you. I think this is one of those situations where a compromise is needed and you both need to work towards coming to an amicable solution.

 

Talk to her about this using a lot of "I" statments about how it makes you feel. Before you do that though is there any sort of compromise you can come up with? Like celebrities are okay but people on the street are off-limits? Or even vice-versa depending which bothers you most? Or maybe, looking at celebs is okay but to tone down how she talks about them?

[CityHunter]

1) Talk to her about it, apply the same rules to both parties, if she can look, so can you.

 

2) She's only 19, I seriously doubt she's ready to settle down yet.

 

3) Agree on some common rule of "No touching", one can look but no touching is allowed. As long as you're just looking, less can happen.

 

There're things I thought I could do, but after I had a talk with my GF, it's not exactly cool with her; but she understands it's better to let me do certain things (like watching porn) than to restrict me (like I can't have online/phone sex with anyone else other than my GF). You give and take, and pick battles that you can win.

[Mikhail_Scosyrev]

Well, indeed, many possibilities here.

 

She could look just out of habbit and curiosity which can be innocent.

Or, she could look lustfully and desire potentially to have another partner.

 

I think it is inconsiderate of you to do it in your presense.

 

For you, I would suggest to test what those looks can lead to. Arrange a nice guy to ask her out when you are not around and see if she accepts.

 

She may not be a reliable person, due to her age or character.