I am the one leaving and still I cry and cry

[Sapphirelady]

Okay, long story short: we've been together 6 years, married 4 and we have a 3 year old daughter together. I know he loves me, of that I have no doubt. He has always been a great provider while I have been staying home since our daughter was born, I have never wanted for anything material wise. But after 5 years of being emotionally ignored, I want out. Even though romance has never been his strong suit, I can't take not being hugged, kissed or cuddled for weeks at a time and just fondled when he wants "something". I can't take sitting at home all day waiting for him to come home "whenever" because he doesn't call to tell me when and in his line of work every day is different. If it's 8 o'clock and he's already eaten then too bad for me and the dinner I made for him. I am a social person and very family oriented, he is not and doesn't make any effort to try to be for my sake. He says he doesn't care if we have friends or not. He never has the time or energy to do anything as a couple or as a family. I can't take the fact that all he can think about when he gets home is how tired he is and he sees it as a chore to play with his daughter instead of something that he looks forward to. Sometimes he's been home for 1-2 hours before he even sets foot in the house. Holidays are nothing but aggravation for him, he doesn't enjoy them and he'd like me to think as he does, that they are just another day. I have asked that we go to counseling, he refuses. Sex? What is that? And when he does get the urge, 5 minutes is all he spends. Literally. Conversation? Nothing but sarcastic comments or "I don't knows" when I even try. All this said I am fed up and exhausted from being the one trying to hang on to this marriage. I have brought all of this to his attention before and he has ignored me. Now that I am leaving he's crying. It hurts me to see him hurting but I still don't want to stay. The problem is, I can't stop crying either. I worry about how he is taking it, I am going to miss him, I am sorry it's over. Is this normal?

[Irishmanco]

You're being very strong. It is hard to deal without the things you need and deserve. He seems to dedicate too much time to work rather than his family. He should maybe take a step back and put his time into you and your daughter. Thing is that sometimes men or women feel they need to provide money and security. This is true but it often overshadow's the other parts of life. I hope there is hope for you all. I hope he will realize how much he's been screwing up. However it may be too late for you.

 

He is hurting now and the damage he's let grow is surely hittin him all at once. Sometimes it's hard for people to see mistakes and how they affect lives. You did the right thing. Things must change forever and not just temporarily. Keep you head up and things will be fine.

[PhoenixInATL]

It is normal.

 

No person is 100% evil, and I'm sure he's not either. Sometimes two people are just not compatible "enough". So yes, you are going to miss the good parts of him that you fell in love with, and you're going to miss the good times you had.

 

But most likely right now you're going to grieve at the loss of what you hoped "could've been". I'm sure when you got married you didn't picture it going this way or you wouldn't have done it. Lost dreams in life are hard to take. And it's normal to consider how the other person is taking it too.

 

But also consider the fact that you tried everything you could, you offered to go to counseling and he refused. Maybe his refusal was due to the fact that many men are unconfortable sharing their feelings with a stranger. But you've also tried to talk to him about it personally as well and he hasn't been receptive. In both cases, your request should've been a shot accross the bow that there's a problem.

 

For whatever reason he's crying now, it's at least a normal reaction to his percieved loss as well But the loss is due to his behavior (or lack there of). Empathy to someone's pain is one thing, but try to not let it influence your decision when they've brought it on themselves after many opportunities to prevent the final outcome.

[chai714]

Sapphire,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Have you tried having a trial separation, or are you going to file for divorce? It's quite normal to feel the emotions you're feeling right now. Leaving someone you've been with for a considerable amount of time is never easy for anyone, no matter what the circumstances are. If he's now crying, maybe he will take action in trying to fix things with you. Believe it or not, there are many women in a situation very similar to yours who just want out of their marriage because they're not getting their emotions fulfilled. If your husband isn't willing to try counseling or any other options, then you've made a good choice in the long run. Things would have to dramatically change for you to be happy with him, but it's also your job to communicate with him so that he knows what you're missing.

[sidhat]

Dear,

 

I would say dont file divorce after being together lomg time.. talk to your husband that you need more out of this relation and I am not happy like that..and I loveyou and always will.. show him your deep intrest in this relationship..or you both might try seperation...

I dont like divorce its a really mess..

 

take care and be happy.. Everything will work out just give time each other.

 

Good luck..

[PhoenixInATL]

I know, sidhat, but it sounds like she's already tried all of those things. At this point it's in his court. If he wants to bend over backwards to rectify the situation, that's one thing, but other than temporarily as needed, people don't change much. He's had plenty of shots accross his bow that things were going south and wasn't responsive.

[Sapphirelady]

First of all, thank you to those of you who responded. If you can believe it he and I are not yelling or screaming even though I am going to try to have the bulk of my things out by tomorrow. I am not leaving with much, just our clothes, a few things I know my husband will not use or want and mostly my daughter's toys. The scary part is this, when we talk about me leaving, my husband tears up. I am trying not to be upset in front of my daughter and carry on as normal so she doesn't think anything is wrong. Well when we stop talking about me leaving my husband acts as if nothing is wrong either. He has even been hugging and kissing me. He says he loves me but if I want to go he will let me because he knows he can't make me stay if I don't want to. I ask him to talk to me and tell me what he's feeling about everything right now and he says there is nothing to say. It's strange how well he seems to be taking it but then again he never shows any emotion, as I said in my orginal post. At the same time it makes me wonder just what is going on in his head.

[Jetta]

Sapphire,

Perhaps now it's really hitting him now and he'd be more willing to make some small changes. You could always bring up therapy again and see if he'd go now. If he won't then you really know it's over, if he says okay then you know deep in his heart he does want things to work out with out. Good luck.

[Sapphirelady]

I thought it was because maybe he was being very mature and that maybe deep down he agreed with all of this. Like I said he's not an emotional person so I don't know what he is thinking. He hasn't taken his ring off even though I have. If you look at my last post, it's just weird he went from crying to acting like it's nothing. Even hugging me and sitting on the couch with me like nothing is wrong. My father says it's because he is in denial and it won't hit him yet until I leave. Could that be true? I also mentioned counseling again last night and I asked him why he wouldn't go. He said and I quote, "Because I don't want to. I'm a jerk"

[PhoenixInATL]

Maybe he wants the relationship but feels that he can't change. At some point people are pretty set in their ways and change is a lot more difficult once patterns are deeply established. It's not impossible, but maybe he feels like it is.

 

Another possibility is maybe he feels like he can't face himself and any perceived shortcomings that have contributed to the demise of the marriage, especially if he feels like there's so many he doesn't know where to start. A lot of times I've seen people be very head-in-the-sand and avoid issues rather than grapple with them head-on, especially when it involves revealing your fears and failures in front of a third party.

 

However, if he's willing to take small steps, just between you and him, and stick to them, then maybe it can work. It could be that he's realized what he's done but doesn't know how to extricate himself. Maybe counseling goes too much against his natural grain. What if you sat down with him and laid it out, saying we don't have to go to counseling but there's things I'm unhappy with?

 

And ask him if he could sincerely focus with you on the top three (or the top one, if need be), with the understanding that once that one's under the belt, you'll move onto the next. What's also important to recognize is that maybe unbeknowst to you there are things he would like you to address with yourself. Let him know your willing to work on one of those if he's willing to work on one that's bothering you.

 

It's a shot at least.

[hearo97]

Sapphire, you have described the circumstances of my marriage and divorce almost exactly. Reading your posts brought tears to my eyes because I know how you feel.... though I will grant you that we didn't have any children so you do have that extra facet.

 

When I told my ex I wanted to leave, he simply started packing my things. Like you, I took little. I'd like to mention now that's a mistake... it's hard to get other things later and you are entitled to 1/2 of everthing (think dishes, sheets, etc).

 

But, as to the relationship.... only you know what the true state of it is. If you don't feel you are in a healthy relationship that will grow and mature with you then it's best you leave. But please, go to counciling. I did, and it's probably what saved me from going mad. It still hurt, and I still cried a lot. But in time, it gets better. It's ok to cry and be miserable for a while, you are grieving a huge loss. It's ok to want to talk about it, or not talk about it. Surround yourself with people you love and know that it's ok to hurt.

 

Take care.

[llghoney]

Sapphire I am sooo sorry to hear about your situation but I do know a little of what you are going through but without children. I agree with hearo you need to try to get at least some more of your things before you officially move out. Why are you moving out anyway? He should be the one to move out in that he is never there anyway & you are taking care of your children. Well, I guess only you know what is best for you & your children..

[Shadows Light]

Crying is normal. You are grieving a huge loss. No one gets married planning on divorce. It a hard thing to do. I cried my eyeballs out even though I am the one who wanted out. I still cry over why it had to be this way. I would suggest counseling...but if he won't go.. then you can't make him. But I agree with the other posts.. you need to go for yourself to keep your sanity. You are a mom and you'll need to be strong for your child. Your dad is right. He's in denial or he isn't taking you seriously. He hasn't hit bottom.

 

As to changes... for him to make those changes are a huge endeavor... it takes a lot of will on his part to do it. The ball is in his court not yours.

 

Don't you feel bad about it. Don't feel bad about him crying. You need to deal with your own emotions and feelings. Marriage is about "Sharing" your life. Can't share if only one person wants to play in the sand box can you?

 

Go ahead and cry... grieve.. and get it out. Crying cleanses the soul. And then make an appointment and talk to a counselor. You'll be fine. Its ok. And you are not alone. B good 2 U.