Insecurity Issues

[sandela]

I clearly know that I am having insecurity issues with the man I am seeing. I also know that I can be a little needy. I've been with J for about 6 or 7 months. He treats me well - he's a man that goes in his cave (for those of you have read my question about a man in his cave) - he does sweet things for me, is always happy to make dinner for me and is very complimentary. So why do I feel insecure? I don't know. Am I hanging to tightly? We don't see other people - we enjoy each other's company. Its taken a long time or rather its taken all this time to get where we are but I am just so insecure and always doubt his feelings for me. He hasn't used the love word yet and I think it will be some time before that ever happens. He always says that I will be the one who will get sick of the relationship first and I will be the one who will end it. He says he doesn't believe in the word "love" - I know he's been hurt but we all have at some point right? He's 14 years older than me not that age matters at all to me - I just adore this man but am afriad to tell him how I feel because I don't want to scare him. The only time he's ever said how much he adores me was when he had been drinking too much one night and we were arguing about the bar I went to with my friends. Then the next day he asked me what was said adn I told him and he went quiet. Sometimes this relationship is like a rubber band - I push he pulls and vice versa. Do I listen to what some of the girls say when its about how they don't think we belong together?

[DN]

Nope - listen to what your heart and your head are telling you. Also listen to what he says - and if you are not sure ask him.

[sandela]

How do I get over how I feel? Its like I have to re-hash everything that has been said (positive stuff) and say to myself "he wouldn't have said that if he didn't mean it". I must dwell on the negative side of everything in life. I wish I wasn't like that.

 

The only time he's ever said how much he adores me was when he had been drinking too much one night

 

Is that just someone having loose lips and doesn't know what they're saying? Because if I could hear those words again I would feel more secure that he's not giving me BS.

 

I did tell him the next day that he said that and he said nothing - didn't even deny it or acknowledge it. He's an honest guy - I truly believe that only because I've heard some truths from him in the beginning of the relationship and sometime ago in the winter - I asked point blank if he loved me and he said no but that he does have deep feelings for me. So why can't he even acknowledge that what he said is true? Or even acknowledge the good feelings he has for me?

[fantasia2004]

For 6 to 7 months? ask the truth and demand to see where it is going.

[sandela]

Fantasia - I like the quote you had at the end of your message. Gives me a bit to think about life in general.

[fantasia2004]

yes it is sooooooooo true!

[sandela]

Who is he? I can't find anything on the web on him.

 

If you think about disaster, you will get it. Brood [think, worry] about death and you hasten [speed up, accelerate] your demise [death]. Think positively [of progress] and masterfully [with skill], with confidence [trust] and faith [truth, trustworthy], and life becomes more secure [assured], more fraught [charged] with action, richer in achievement [accomplishment] and experience [lived through].

-Edward Rickenba

[fantasia2004]

god this is a quote that really makes me think alot .

[DN]

Who is he? I can't find anything on the web on him.

 

If you think about disaster, you will get it. Brood [think, worry] about death and you hasten [speed up, accelerate] your demise [death]. Think positively [of progress] and masterfully [with skill], with confidence [trust] and faith [truth, trustworthy], and life becomes more secure [assured], more fraught [charged] with action, richer in achievement [accomplishment] and experience [lived through].

-Edward Rickenba

 

 

Maybe Edward Rickenbacker

 

link removed,RNWE:2004-24,RNWE 10&sa=N

[sandela]

Did you read any of the other stuff that I am so fretting about? What do you think?

[DN]

Well, never lsiten to what girlfriends say if you have been complaining about a guy because they are biased in your favour and start to dislike him.

 

Tell him you are developing feelings for him and ask him how he feels about you. Turn it, deftly and gently, into a relationship conversation in such a way that he doesn't really know that he is in one.

[babyeyes night]

I use to get the same way, I dont anymore. I f a guy is not going to respect me and love he is out the door. I have a boyfriend right now, we just told eachother that we loved one another, but if he messes up he is out of my life as a boyfriend and anything goes and believe me I know he does not want that. Men are like trends, they are always coming and going , if this one does not fit me then I know there is one out there for me. A woman should never let a man make her feel bad about herself. So take that and He doesnt wanna say he loves you, well than you dont love him either.

[fantasia2004]

Well, never lsiten to what girlfriends say if you have been complaining about a guy because they are biased in your favour and start to dislike him.

 

Tell him you are developing feelings for him and ask him how he feels about you. Turn it, deftly and gently, into a relationship conversation in such a way that he doesn't really know that he is in one.

 

exactly

[sandela]

Should I ask the man I am seeing, J, what exactly are his feelings for me are?

[DN]

I wouldn't put it like that - just say something like "where are we in the relationship?"

[sandela]

I know he doesn't think about the future of relationships and not too much dwelling of it and other things.

 

He spent most of his weekend in the "cave" [and he says he's not depressed] and says he could NOT return two of my calls [this was a child weekend for me where I knew I was not going to see him until Sunday night for a concert] because he was in the cave and could not bring himself to return anyones phoen calls. I was slightly miffed and so before the concert I was honest and said "you know if you're in the "cave" I still think it would be courteous to call me and tell me you're in there. He said that that is a very difficult thing to do - doesn't want to feel the rejection. I made my point clear and was very good about it and he agreed and didn't feel any conflict and said he would try to do it but can't guarantee it. He is a distant man and I have trouble bringing private or sensitive things out into the open because he is guarded.

 

I don't know what to do or how to feel or what to say. I really can't tell how much he likes me. Sometimes I feel like I am just a convenience factor. I co-parent two kids under the age of 13 and have every other weekend "off". So naturally I want to spend all my "off" time with him - I want to get closer - I want us to be closer. When and how do you realize its not going to happen? I mean we know we can't see into a crystal ball but how and when do I know its time for me to walk away? You have to understnad I'm scared adn I don't like being alone. I'm afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

 

What does one do with a man who is so guarded about his feelings. It's not so much that I am looking for the words "I love you" cause I know its not there from him.

 

Do I just keep seeing him and enjoying his company fully or thinking that there is nothing down the road? I've asked that question before and the answer is "I don't look down the road into the future so I can't tell you what you want to hear."

 

If I feel that the best thing to do is walk away - HOW WILL I HEAL AND GET OVER HIM?"

[DN]

There is another step you can take before you walk away. It's risky but worth it if you have decided to walk away anyway because you have nothing to lose.

 

Tell him that you love him and want to be with him but that you can't live with no commitment. Say that if he loves you and wants to be with you that is fine and you can discuss how to proceed towards a committed relationship. If he does not you are walking away. But if he is undecided, say that you don't want to see him or be in contact with him for (decide a length of time, at least a month). During that time you will not date anyone else and hope he would not either.

 

This will give him time to decide whether life with you is better than life without you or vice-versa. After that time you will contact him to see what his decision is, but you will only be with him if he makes a commitment. (marriage, if that is what you want and that should mean a proposal and a time-frame).

 

If he cannot commit, then that is the time to walk away.

[sandela]

DN,

 

I know I can't do that - I don't have the guts to be honest with you.

 

Just wish I could live my own life with him in it but not have him as my primary focus. Geez there are so many times when he is my whole focus when I am with my two boys. I should stop being so selfish.

 

I know marriage will never be something that he wants. I think and I know from words before, that he likes the ways things are which is seeing me when he can and having a good time with me when we are together. I don't mean "good time" as being just a sexual thing - we do have a good time just talking and having dinner or watching TV or a movie.

[DN]

DN,

 

I know I can't do that - I don't have the guts to be honest with you.

 

Just wish I could live my own life with him in it but not have him as my primary focus. Geez there are so many times when he is my whole focus when I am with my two boys. I should stop being so selfish.

 

I know marriage will never be something that he wants. I think and I know from words before, that he likes the ways things are which is seeing me when he can and having a good time with me when we are together. I don't mean "good time" as being just a sexual thing - we do have a good time just talking and having dinner or watching TV or a movie.

 

Can you live with that and be happy?

 

How much courage would it take to walk away?

[sandela]

Can you live with that and be happy?

 

How much courage would it take to walk away?

 

I've been living that way for most of the relationship I think. I have basically just gone along with things and thinking of it in a way of taking it slowly and whatever happens happens. So in other words I am happy for awhile and then insecurities invade me.

 

As far as courage goes - NO I DON'T HAVE ANY COURAGE? I am afraid that I will never stop crying and that I will feel like I have made a mistake for walking away.

 

He's always said to me "if anyone leaves this relationship first it will be you".

 

He strangely just called me at work to invite me for dinner - is this a time to talk to him? Should I have said I am busy all night?

[DN]

I think go to dinner - be light and cheerful - not depressed and resentful.

 

Let him see what he could have if he opens his eyes!!!