I create senereos and it's driving me crazy!

[stopallthispain]

I've been with my b.friend for three years and just in the past year since we moved in together things have changed. He was married for three years and the last year they were together we met and started seeing eachother. Wait.....please keep reading.

 

My parents divorced because of an affair and I also saw them separated and they were living like that for 2 yrs. for convienience, this is what was happening with my boyfriends marriage. When it did end we dated more and I moved in with him. I was part curious at the beginning to snoop around the house for stuff, and he's been here for so long that I would find little things and my stomach would turn. I know that he had seen other women during his marriage, although he denys it I have shown my evidence and he gets embarrassed. I don't really even have the right to get mad as this was before me, but I almost feel like if his wife didn't find out what he was doing then I'm not letting him off scott free now.

 

Although my relationship was born out of an affair we really want to make it work. He doesn't have any issues with anything really, he's so good to me and he's changed everything about him that he used to be. ie. he rarly goes out with his buddies (he knows it's bad news), we do a lot of activities together and we love each others company, he's always home with me, we are tight.

 

I WANT to say that I trust him because in all cases but one or two small things from his past I have been wrong and pre-judged my findings so why can't I just let it all go?

 

I can't stop driving myself crazy creating senereos in my head about ways he can cheat on me that are so wild and crazy. I keep telling myself that they aren't that crazy because they "could" happen. How can I just start fresh with him and live my life for the future and not the past? I've done wild things in my past and he doens't frown on me at all!

 

 

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

[DN]

There is an old saying "when a man marries his mistress he creates a job vacancy".

 

The problem is you know he cheats - and you are not confident he will not cheat on you. The only thing that will change that is time. But if you don't control the mistrust it will corrode your relationship. So you had better start doing that.

[Hope75]

I WANT to say that I trust him because in all cases but one or two small things from his past I have been wrong and pre-judged my findings so why can't I just let it all go?

 

I agree with DN the reason you are finding that you can't trust him is because he's cheated before, and once that bridge is crossed I find it difficult to believe that once things begin to feel routine he won't pull the same old trick on you.

 

It's a nice thought to believe that he will be different with you and that you guys are so tight it is impossible to believe it could ever happen, but you say you've found evidence that he had cheated on his wife even before he met you, this sounds like a behaviour pattern he has become quite comfortable with.

 

Think about it, he took vows with he ex wife, the ultimate promise of commitment, and he still cheated on her, several times. He hasn't taken vows with you, I'd be scared too if I were you.

 

I wish you luck here but I don't know what to tell you in terms of how to trust someone who is a proven cheater and who you accompliced with in cheating. (if you indeed knew about his wife when you were first seeing him, that is.)

[jantra77]

I think the issue is really with you. Your father cheated so how can you trust men? Start working on yourself. It will take the pressure off him and help you in the long run

[AwdreeHpburn]

I don't necessarily subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality, B U T .......it would be severely un-wise of ANYONE to not be a bit on guard, yeh?

 

Having said that, I think you SHOULD (mostly) let it go until or IF he gives you reason to be suspicious of his behaviour.