Boyfriend moved out 2 weeks ago, extremely depressed

[brekattiff]

My boyfriend of two years moved out two weeks ago to relocate to another state. A few months ago he asked me to consider moving with him to a new area with a better cost of living, less pollution, etc. and I stalled, not certain if I wanted to move out of the area where I've lived my entire life. Now he's gone through with his plans and transferred jobs and I'm left here, kicking myself for not agreeing to go with him in the first place. We've continued to talk every day and while we're on the phone together, I feel restored to some sort of normality but as soon as we hang up, all I'm living for is his next call. This makes me feel quite pathetic but the only thing that lifts my dejected spirits is his voice. He's invited me to come visit next weekend but I have this overwhelming paranoia that in the meantime he's going to meet someone else or simply cease contact and the trip to visit him isn't going to happen. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope so that my days don't seem so dark with just the slightest bit of sun peeking through when he calls?

[DN]

When you say you are kicking yourself for not going with him do you mean that you have changed your mind and now want to go?

[brekattiff]

I know that I'm not crazy about the area he's moved to (U.S. Southwest) but it's killing me not to be near him and I don't know if that's just because the wound is so fresh that the pain is clouding my judgment but if you gave me the option today to pack my bags and join him, I'd be there tonight. But what about two months from now? I don't want to feel as though I made the decision to move just because I was looking for a balm to ease the pain of separation. He's also said he wants me to make sure I don't make a hasty decision and that I consider all the ramifications of relocating because he doesn't want to bear the burden of my unhappiness if I make the move just because of him. I'm not a very patient person but perhaps I just have to give it time. While I wait for time to pass though I feel strangled by depression.

[PhoenixInATL]

It sounds like you'd like to be there with him. Was your initial hesitation about jumping into the unknown? Really, the fear is worse than the reality. I once packed up on the spur of the moment (three days notice) and moved from Massachusetts to Florida with a guy I'd been dating for six weeks. We both quit our jobs, packed the car and took off, not even knowing where we'd go once we got there. We ended up moving from there to Maine a few months later. Eventually we did break up, two and 1/2 years later over stupid reasons, but to this day we both agree that it was the biggest adventure of our lives AND the best time of our lives just going through all of it together. If fear of the unknown is holding you back, don't let it. If you go, you'll have the awesome memories I do.

[SilverManic]

The thing about moving to a new place is you get to start over. With someone like me I love it. I got bullied badly at school and I got paranoid a lot with friends when I was younger. When it got too much I'd move to a different part of the contry. Now I'm tied down because of studies and I want to move again, this time I have a boyfriend. But the point of telling you that is that you will never know until you try it. You can always move back if you hate it!

All I can say is give it a try. The pains not going to get easier, you might end up breaking up because of it. If you want to be with him my advice is go for it! What are you waiting for? You can always do something about happiness.

GL,

~S.

[PhoenixInATL]

After I posted, I saw you had responded to someone else, so let me update.

 

No, you're not crazy about the southwest. But given that you're despondent without him, wouldn't it be better to be with him?

 

And the move wouldn't be permanent anyway. If you find you don't like the situation in two months -- COME BACK!

 

No one is going to force you to stay there. If you're feeling ambivalent, go try it out and see what you decide then. You may find you love the situation, and as cheap as mass transit is today, you can pretty much go home when you want to.

 

And who knows, maybe in a few months he'll also find that he doesn't care for the southwest and you both end up going to a region that you both enjoy.

 

I wouldn't call the relationship off due to the region. However, also consider the fact that maybe it seems like a bigger commitment than you're willing to make to this relationship. Maybe regardless of where he was going, you would be hesitant about going too, due to fear of taking that step in the relationship.

 

Seriously consider that, and if that's the case, then no, I wouldn't go out there to be with him.

[brekattiff]

Thank you, Phoenix, for sharing your experience. One of the reasons I found it difficult to agree to the move was the disapproval of my family and the strife it caused in my relationship. Now 29, you would think I would have outgrown the burden of their approval and I think one of the reasons I have so many regrets about not having to agreed to go with him is that I now realize that I let their feelings hinder me from doing what I would really wanted to do.

[DN]

I moved to Canada from England a year after I married, although there are things I miss about England, including my family (only my sister now) I am very happy here.

 

use the weekend with him to get to know th area a little. It is strange at first but it becomes much easier - especially when you make friends, gt a job etc.

 

When my daughters were born Canadian I knew I belonged here.

 

Am old saying but true nevertheless "Home is where the heart is."

[kungfumaster]

Oh my goodness brekattiff, your situation is just like mine except our roles are reversed.

 

That is, I was the one who moved for a job, and my now ex- was the one to stay, and I always felt like my talking to her was the only thing I would look forward too. Like you, basically, everyone of my friends and family members thought it would be best to move to the new place and accept the job. After all, it was the only offer I got, and in my line of work, its really hard to actually choose a city where you actually want to work. So, basically, I seeked approval too from everyone and just moved even though in my heart, I wanted to stay with her. My heart wanted to stay, but my logical, practical mind told me I needed job experience if I hoped in anyway to get another job close to her.

 

My ex however, didn't want to move with me because 1) she still had 1 more year to finish in university, 2) all her small family are there and 3) the place where I was moving too is a small town, and the place where she lives is a great city (Toronto).

 

I'm not sure exactly what advise I can offer you because my LDR failed. But, I have a friend who's been in an LDR for 5 YEARS!! And the key is, I think you visit each other regularly: which means at least once per 2 months or something - and you have to take turns visiting each other's respective cities, not just one way visits all the time. Also, you have to communicate well (tell each other everything - or else trust issues start to come up and that's not good)!! And, probably the most important is that you two have to agree that this is only going to be a SHORT TERM seperation, and sometime in the future, either you move, or he moves to be with each other.

 

As for advise to how to cope: don't you have close friends you can hang with and have fun?? I know for me, that's what helped me for the first 3 months I was in the LDR.

 

Anyways, take care and good luck.

Kung fu

 

P.S: DN - what you said in your last two sentences almost made me cry - can you tell I'm a wimp

[brekattiff]

Kung fu, thanks for the guidelines on LDRs. Anyone else out there have additional suggestions on how to maintain a successful LDR? Please share your experiences...this is totally new territory to me.

[PhoenixInATL]

I totally understand. The ex and I've been on again and off again with for six years has the ire of my family at this point. Despite his love for me, his commitmentphopia has caused him to pursue me and run away so many times. Most recently he wanted to marry me and then left me in the West Indies by myself after going there together on vacation. In the process of all this, he has blown meetings with my family off several times. Despite my feelings for him (believe it or not), my family would kill me if I did marry him.

 

On one hand, I can see how caving to the ideas of your family, instead of following your own path, may seem wrong. But it's another if you consider the fact that they love you and want the best for you, given what they've seen regarding a particular situation. If they are against you being with him, then I'd take that into consideration. Everytime I thought I was right in my situation, my family proved me wrong. And now I know.

[PhoenixInATL]

Seriously, your family doesn't have to be perfect. But if there's reasons they collectively think you should back away from this relationship, they're probably right.

[brekattiff]

It's not so much a question of my family being perfect...their dislike of my boyfriend centers around his race and his religious affiliation (or rather lack thereof.) I am appalled at their attitudes and while I've been protective of him (basically not arranging any family/bf meetings) I'm realizing that I have an important choice to make when it comes to committing myself to him completely in the face of their opposition. Thank you, Phoenix, though for your opinion.

[Survictor]

Brekattiff, please do not let your family hold you back from joining your boyfriend and continuing your life together. Your family are, I think, being a bit selfish in wanting you to remain with them. A couple of years ago, I went with my husband to Australia for 6 months and my family made me feel so guilty for going, which really wasn't fair. They said things like I was ruining my children's studies and disrupting their stability, that elderly relatives might die whilst I was gone, etc. It was difficult to go against them but I also didn't want to let opportunities pass me by and perhaps regret missed opportunities later.

 

I am so glad we went. My children benefited greatly from living in another country and Australians have a very positive outlook on life which was catching (we can be so gloomy in UK). The kids learned to skateboard, tried surfing, windsurfing and we visited lots of different places. My son did not want to go at all and moaned constantly at the time but now he says that he is very glad he went; that it changed him for the better and gave him more confidence and my daughter is keen for my husband to work abroad again so that we can live in another country. For my own part, looking back at all the wonderful photographs and videos, remembering treasured moments spent with my children and husband, I could never regret going against my family and I absolutely do feel that the only reasons they wanted me to stay here were selfish ones. And of course, they got over it and I am back now but sometimes....it would be nice to do it again.

 

Don't miss the opportunity.

[sandrawg]

What's wrong with the southwest? Have you ever been there? There are some great things about it...

[DaBladeRoden]

The opportunity is 4 years old