Need advise please (CONTACT OR MOVE ON)

[clarkster2005]

Hi all, would really appreciate advice on what steps to take. Im about a month into being dumped by my ex, and about 3 weeks into no contact.

The reason its 3 weeks is that after a week of being dumped we met up and I tried to see if I could sort it out, but no luck.

 

I'll try and keep the story brief. We were together a year, and I met her about 3 months after she had split up with her ex (who she bought a house with). In the beggining she wasnt sure and mucked me about, but eventually we got it together.

 

She lives quite a way from me, and we only saw each other once in the week and at weekends. I would go up and see her straight from work during the week, and she would come down at the weekend. Things were going well, we really clicked and to me she was the most amazing girl. She even told me I was the perfect boyfriend and all that. I loved her so much, and was really nice to her and did loads of things for her.

 

Shes dumped me now for reasons I dont even think she knows. That the spark has gone, that we dont talk, that she now just wants to be on her own, that we never see each other, I prompted her if she fell out of love with me, and she said yes. ????? (Confused...which one)

 

Its not as though I was invading her space, as i didnt want to pressure her after coming out of that last relationship, as we didnt see each other all the time, but on the other hand perhaps she wanted some security from me and to tell her we would be together forever. I just dunno. Our communication wasnt great, and she booked a holiday with her mate when we were planning to do a trip together. i knew then that we had problems.

 

One of the reasons our communication was bad I think was that she was quite quiet and never really told me how she felt.....she said once that she didnt even know if I wanted kids...and I said that she never really asked me...and your never gonna know stuff if you dont ask!!!

 

She also said that she couldnt approach me about stuff, but on the other hand used to love that I was easy going (WHAT).......all my mates say im really approachable and loads of people confide in me all the time.....that just didnt make sense, and seemed very contradictive.

 

After that i sat her down and said that we need to sort out our communication issues. I told her that I wasnt happy she was going away, but i wasnt going to stop her, and when she got back she said she really missed me. I told her that if shes got any issues at all that she needs to let me know so we could work it out....but by then i think it was over. This is the time line:

Had an excellent Xmas together, went away for New Year, in Feb she tells me that shes going away, and things just werent right. Forgot to say that from Nov to Feb I was unemplyed.....so money was tight so we couldnt really do a lot of exciting stuff. That makes it about 1 month that she lost interest and fell out of love!!!!!! Crazy

 

After this, things went down hill, she used to come down on a Friday and stay all weekend, but then she started coming down Saturday Mornings and going Sunday afternoons, she was less affectionate with me and didnt want much physical contact.......I suppose that I saw the signs but didnt ask her what was wrong, as I didnt want to her to say what she was eventually going to say. That she wanted to finish with me. Another thing that didnt make sense and was quite contradidtive was on one hand she said that how could we have a relationship with somebody if u never saw them, and then she would go out with her mates a lot. I also got the impression that she got bored if it was just me and her going out.

 

Her mates played a big part in her life and she always liked going out with them before i met her and whilst i was with her. I never stopped her going out wit her mates as we both had lives, and I went out with her loads of times with all of them. It was like we had a big group. But I suppose I always thought I was stopping her from being single and from being with all her single mates.

 

I just dont understand how it can turn so sour after a short space of time!!!!

 

Now I dont know what to do,. I was thinking of writing a letter to tell her that I did want a life with her, if the reasons of the breakup was lack of security. And to tell her that if she wants it or thinks shes made a mistake that we can rectify it all, or should i just leave well alone and get on with things???

 

Please help as Im going nuts. Sorry for not making so breif as I first thought.

[chai714]

I was thinking of writing a letter to tell her that I did want a life with her, if the reasons of the breakup was lack of security. And to tell her that if she wants it or thinks shes made a mistake that we can rectify it all, or should i just leave well alone and get on with things???

 

Scratch the letter completely. One problem is that you would be writing about YOUR WANTS. What about her wants? It's important to focus on her wants if you want her back. Also, talking about the breakup is yesterdays news. You can't drag out talks like this. There should be one talk, and it's done. Some people never get answers as to the "why's" of their breakup, but it's something that they live with.

 

Next time you talk to her, keep things lighter than they have been. Having all these serious talks is emotionally draining. Talk about stuff she enjoys. This will make your conversations a whole lot better. Meanwhile, don't make any demands of seeing her or getting back together with her. The idea here is to make her comfortable talking to you so that she will associate you with feelings of comfort and understanding. Do this and you can have her.

[clarkster2005]

Hey thanks for your input,

 

Her decision was one that was made up ages ago, as when she told me it was over, she seemed a different person, quite cold in fact...maybe a front I dunno...

 

She did say that she wanted to remian in contact. Now that either means that she is so over me that she has no problems seeing me as a friend or that she wants her cake and eat it...again I dunno.

 

I ssaid that I wasnt sure about that and havent spoke to her since.

 

What do u think would be the best way to play it???

[chai714]

Since it has only been a month, can she handle you contacting her this early? Will you be able to not bring up the relationship and want answers? A month isn't that long of a time. Are her defenses down? If you want her back, she can't know that. You want her to not know how you feel about her, but to be able to make her feel like you do, without telling her. This is where body language plays in the picture.

 

Remember, never let her know your motives or tell her how you feel. People know how others feel about them by the way they treat them. I tell many this - it does NO GOOD to tell someone how you feel about them. Making them feel good about themselves is much more powerful, and will get them to like you more. With exes though, it's a tricky business so you have to work on your game more and bring something a little different, but not so much to where it's an act. You want to integrate your own personality with some new knowledge that you have. One of your new skills should be being able to read body language. The other would be concentrating on how she feels and adjusting your game accordingly.

[clarkster2005]

I do think its probably too early, as I saw her last only 3 weeks ago when I tried to sort everything out, and havnt been in touch since.

 

One of the things I gathered was that she wanted space to be on her own, thats what she said. So I will repsect that and leave her be. Maybe I will contact her maybe I wont. I would like to try again at the relationship, but would be wary as she is sombody who doesnt really express her feelings that well, which sould cause problems.