Decision Time

[JCarman]

My girlfriend and I have been going through a tough time lately. We have been going out for about a year and both are unsure if we should move forward towards marriage or not. She is at an age where she really wants to settle down and have kids. I want the same thing too, but I am not in a big hurry. We decided to take a couple week break to think things over and come to a decision. Last weekend, I was out of town and she goes out and makes a large financial committment without consulting me first. This seems like a sign of independence on her part. It burns me up. I love her, but the negatives seem to outweigh the positives.

 

Im starting to give up. Any thoughts?

[DN]

Decide whether she makes you happy or unhappy. That is a good clue as to how to proceed. What is the plan for a discussion after the break? What are you going to talk about and how?

 

BTW, how old are you both?

[Luciana]

I think I know what's going on:

 

Since she sees you are resistant to committing now (you haven;t told us how old you both are), see is taking advice from some self help book that says in that case the woman should show the man he will lose her if he doens't decide. One way is going out with other guys, another is making major financial commitments without him (like buying your own apartment) and another is taking trips without him.

 

But I agree that one year is not enough to get engaged, although it varies from couple to couple. Maybe she is in a hurry, feeling pressured by family or seeing her clock tick.

Talk to her about it. See what's in her mind. Communication is key as always.

[Cecelius]

Just make sure whatever she bought is in the pre nuptial agreement that it's her problem, not yours...

 

You're not ready at the moment. I do not think it a good idea that you try to make yourself ready, and personally, I think that 1 year is not nearly enough time to get engaged.

[JCarman]

Thank you for your feedback.

 

Age: We are both in our mid-30's.

 

I agree with the points about the length of time (1 year) before engagement (Maybe the pre-nup too ) However, pregnancy can be a little more challenging as time goes on. Also, if things don't work out, she needs to figure out soon, so she can start looking again. Am I off-base?

 

Thanks again.

[DN]

I think you both need to figure out what you want and if and when it matches up with what the other wants.

 

It is not unreasonable for her to be concerned about her 'biological clock' but she should want to marry you because she wants you as her husband first and as a father to her children second, not the other way around.

 

It is also not unreasonable for you to want to be sure before you get married.

 

So you either need to reconcile these issues or move on.

 

When you are talking about these issues, you should also talk about how you would conduct your marriage if you were to marry - finances, financial decision-making, careers, stay-at-home Mom or Dad, how many kids, where to live.

 

If you get a pre-nup, ensure it is enforceable - case law varies from place to place but most can be overturned if they are seen to be manifestly unfair, obtained by emotional coercion (just before the wedding, for example) or if unforeseen circumstances have arisen