Married man and girlfriend holding hands

[Blue53]

If a married man and friend that is a girl, hold hands is this cheating? Just kind of fell into this thing where this girl held my hand when offered and said is was mutual. She knew I was married and I asked her go for a motorcycle ride with me. She accepted. During the ride, I reached back and grabbed her hand. I guess this is emotional cheating, but I have strong feelings for this girl. Never had an affair, but emotions are all screwed up now. Could we be just friends?

Suggestions???

[kskm]

Emotional cheating is the worst kind. If you are married stop seeing the girl or get a divorce. One of the other. Yes, it is cheating. If I saw my husband doing that, I would consider it cheating.

[DragonGirl724]

cheating can be viewed as adultary...where you have sexual relations with someone other than your spouse...or emotional cheating as you said. both incidences are intimate. what the heck are you thinking?? why are you asking questions like this?? "can we just be friends"...what do you want us to say?? NO IT DOESNT SOUND LIKE "FRIENDS"! you OBVIOUSLY have a guilty conscience if youre asking people who dont even know you.

 

if you want to share moments like this with this OTHER GIRL GET A DIVORCE!! id flip on my BF/husband if he acted this way. its extremely inappropriate. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THIS WAS GOING ON WITH YOUR WIFE & ANOTHER GUY?!!? "friends" oh please, people use that term until they start bangin' then their lovers. watch your step you may stumble into lovers real soon...i feel for your wife, really i do.

 

-DG724

[Blue53]

Emotional cheating is the worst kind. If you are married stop seeing the girl or get a divorce. One of the other. Yes, it is cheating. If I saw my husband doing that, I would consider it cheating.

 

Emotional cheating is worst than physical cheating? Maybe I should have had sex first and then held her hand!!

[annie24]

erm.... why are you holding random girls' hands? Your married! I think the fact that you're on here asking if it's bad indicates that you may have some feelings for her beyond just friendship. Just as you indicated.

 

I think it's best to nip this thing in the bud - before things get out of hand. Don't even try to be friends. Too tempting. Think about how mad and upset your wife would be if you had an affair. All the problems it would cause. It's just not worth it. Don't even try the friendship route. Slippery slope.

[DragonGirl724]

what kskm was trying to say is that; sometimes it hurts the other person in the relationship MORE when finding out their husband/BF etc is emotionally attracted to someone else rather than just physically attracted. its all mental...if i had a BF who screwed another girl...opposed to a BF who "made love" to another woman id be more crushed if he 'made love'....including kissing, caressing, having sex on an emotional level. what it basically comes down to is, you need to make a decision...play with this new girl or stay with your wife. c'mon now its not fair to your wife & you know it!

 

are lies involved at all? or is this more of like a top-secret rendervous type of thing? do you tell your wife youre hanging out with this girl? does she even know who she is? has she ever suspected you of feeling something for her or anyone else before? and where is your wife when youre out having fun with girly?

 

-DG724

[Blue53]

Actually I had business that required me to contact this girl. I had to install some computer equipment . That was when I began to feel something for her. I was wrong by making any type of gesture. I haven't lied to the wife because I have to see her for business.

[annie24]

ok... but keep it strictly business from now on! The second the business is over, leave. I'm just telling you this for your own sake. Really - you have too much to lose...

[DragonGirl724]

im sure lies have taken place...or will soon. hw long has this been going on? what do you plan on doing about all this??

 

it really breaks my heart your wife is so oblivious to your actions.

 

-DG724

[kskm]

Yes, that is what I was trying to say Dragon Girl, thankyou.

 

Personally I would break up with you or divorce you either way- physical or emotional- but I would much rather my husband/boyfriend just do a chick with no strings attached then to be emotionally involved. Love is a much stronger thing then sex.

 

And apparently you aren't worried about your wife finding out that you've held hands with her. You are probably thinking- how would she find out? Maybe she wouldn't, who really cares, but you know that you are withholding information from your wife and that is lying by omission. I don't know if you have read my profile, but I go to law school, and if you don't watch it buddy, and she gets any proof of any physical contact she can take you to court and divorce you and take you to the bank. I would if I were her!

[Blue53]

im sure lies have taken place...or will soon. hw long has this been going on? what do you plan on doing about all this??

 

it really breaks my heart your wife is so oblivious to your actions.

 

-DG724

 

This just happened 4/20 and I haven't seen her since. I needed some time to sort out my feelings. I have talked to her on the phone, but I need to think this out. I thank everyone for your candid answers!

[DragonGirl724]

its good you temporarily stopped seeing her. but the phone calls need to stop also.

 

but I need to think this out

 

whats to think about anyway?

 

is this worth dishonoring your wife's trust & ruining your marriage? thats what it all comes down to.

 

i agree completely with kskm.

 

-DG724

[Blue53]

its good you temporarily stopped seeing her. but the phone calls need to stop also.

 

I will see her for business, but thats it!! I will heed your advice and work on my marriage!

Blue53

 

 

is this worth dishonoring your wife's trust & ruining your marriage? thats what it all comes down to.

 

i agree completely with kskm.

 

-DG724

[mscolly]

Speaking as one whose wife physically cheated on him in 2003 then fell in love with another in 2004, I can tell you which hurts more and for far longer: emotional cheating.

 

The latter involved far more lies, and direct lies at that. It doesn't stop so easily, it points to the future: my wife still has a desire to run off with this second man, while the first one is dead and buried in her mind. Getting someone out of your bed is far easier than getting someone out of your head.

 

Come clean with your wife, cut off all contact with this girl. Or else leave your wife and try with this girl. No half measures, they don't work.

[Cecelius]

I dunno if a philisophical debate is what the OP wanted, but I'm not sure it really matters. Cheating is cheating in the sense of causing a loss of what was; physical cheating is just skanky; both are for weak people.

 

But he posted because he felt bad about something.

 

Isn't that enough to show that it ought to be avoided?

[DragonGirl724]

Blue53,

 

im glad you realized what is important. i wish you 2 all the best.

 

-DG724

[smallworld]

Blue53, I'm not going to judge you. I've been in your shoes, and I think it's a good sign that you recognized how intimate the moment was and that your attraction to this woman was growing.

 

Your feelings and confusion over them are completely normal. Society tells us once you're married; it's wrong and abnormal to be attracted to anyone else. It's not. The truth is every one of us can be attracted to more than one person at a time.

 

The important thing to recognize is that as in all things in life – You have a choice, but there are consequences. If you let these feelings grow, you'll be tempted to act on them. If you act on them, your wife may find out. If you she finds out, you could hurt her deeply and it could destroy your marriage. The question is - Do you want to go there? Is it worth risking your marriage for whatever you're feeling and fantasizing about this woman?

 

In my case, I decided that my feelings were just feelings. I accepted them as proof that I'm a sexual being, but not as proof that there was anything wrong with either myself or my marriage. I enjoy my fantasies but deliberately keep myself away from temptation. To keep myself honest I tell my husband whenever I have a "crush" (we giggle and he tells me his too), and we're both happier because we accept each other's right to be "human" and because we're consciously reminding each other that we know what we have and would never risk losing it.

 

If you know your wife wouldn't want to hear about your "crushes" then perhaps its best that you don't share them. But I definitely think many more marriages would last and thrive if we could admit to our spouses what we really feel instead of suppressing emotions that are "wrong" (which ironically only seems to increase their power over us and make us question the very sanctity of what we're trying to protect.) Good luck!

[Blue53]

Thanks smallworld for the encouraging post!! I ended it although it wasn't easy. I probably would have acted on my feelings with her and screwed everyone's life up. Actually it ended because of a small spat which was ok. I have deceided that women that even flirt with married men have other emotional issues like low self-esteem and desperation problems. That brings in pity. I felt sorry for her and thats how things got started.

Even though my marriage isn't perfect and I have some issues I need to deal with, my wife has been there for me. That by itself is worth more than any affair!

 

Thanks everyone

[smallworld]

Even though my marriage isn't perfect and I have some issues I need to deal with, my wife has been there for me. That by itself is worth more than any affair!

 

Kudos Blue53! 8)

 

If you ever doubt your decision, rent "Fatal Attraction."

 

I've found the best way to get over these things is to channel a bit of that heat you felt for the interloper and reinvest it in your spouse. Maybe rent a fireman's uniform and do a sexy little dance in Mrs. Blue53's honor?

[Blue53]

I've found the best way to get over these things is to channel a bit of that heat you felt for the interloper and reinvest it in your spouse. Maybe rent a fireman's uniform and do a sexy little dance in Mrs. Blue53's honor?

 

Actually smallworld, it has already started. My SO has responded to the hand-holding and hugs that I gave to another. The girl that I see at work is really mad at me, had to force her to say "hello". I figure the best way to combat that is to be kind, but distant. That should work. We know that what we did was wrong between us. But she must have a grudge. Emotional affairs are deep. Might take some time to heal. She lost a friend to confide and talk to. Any ladies out there can give me a woman's pespective on girlfriends feelings after we went into NC mode?

I will have to be in limited contact with her in the future. What's the best way to handle future contact?

Thanks

 

Blue53