Advice needed on how to handle a broken proposal

[trekker87]

I am a 30 year old guy. 5 months back, I had met a girl in one of the online dating websites. Luckily, it turned out that we had a few common friends and we immediately hit off. Both of us were looking for a long term commitment, leading to marriage. She was working abroad and she was OK to move to India. Slowly she started taking this conversation from app to whatsapp chats to calls to video calls to meeting in person. We finally met after 2 months. After our meeting, she went back and shared about to me her parents and siblings. She had asked for my horoscope etc and her parents also liked me and horoscope match was also there

 

A month after we met, I told her that I am OK to take to the next step in terms of marriage and so on. I had explained her during this conversation very honestly on how did I arrive at my decision, what were my misconceptions initially about her, how did I clear them by rationally thinking through and finally what made it click for me. She was very excited and told me she needed some time to think and need to spend a lot of time & space to speak freely with each other to finally make up her mind

 

Post this, since I knew it is a long distance relationship, I started making extra efforts in terms of going out of the way in terms of accomodating and making time so that we could talk. There were times when she could not be available all the time but I made it a point never to point that out and kept accomodating. Still, we did spend a good amount of time every week over video calls, talking to each other. We also started getting more intimate and closer to each other, without being sexual in our chats and conversations and we started behaving like properly loved up people. A couple of times, she used to tell me I am stuck in her mind and keep sometimes apologizing that in case if she had hurt me unwittingly asking for forgiveness, which was a little bit confusing to me

 

She has some issues regarding timeline of the wedding which I wanted to happen faster. I had told her we shall discuss this in person when we meet in person. Since both our passports were stuck due to various reasons, we could not plan the third meeting quickly. I wanted the meeting to happen in India as it would be easier for us to meet our parents in case needed.We were trying to work out the dates for the meeting. She had certain dreams and aspirations and things she wanted to do which I had always assured to support her. All in all, almost no friction between us and things were heading along nicely

 

All of a sudden for about one and half days, she went into silent mode and then next day morning she messages me saying things won't work out between us as our priorities, timelines, very small things which matter to her we are different and ends it there. It was a rude shock to me. I tried calling her, messaging her etc. without abusing her.She stopped picking my calls without blocking me. Her best friend of 16 years who is also my friend's wife to whom she had relayed everything about us also had no clue this was coming. On that day itself, I stopped messaging or reaching out to her. To convey my emotional state, I called up this best friend and told her that whatever happened is fine and asked her to communicate to her that i understood that she needs time and space. Please take the time and in case needed she can reach out to me at any point of time. My friend's wife was sharing to me that she was also shocked at her change of mind as she had always told her that we were heading for marriage. She also hinted that my girl felt i was too strong and would not allow her to thrive freely and started feeling suffocated in the relationship and asked me to be mindful whenever she comes back and told me she is saying she needs more time to make up her mind. Her final words were she will definitely come back and reach out to you

 

It has been 6 weeks since this happened. I have been in complete No Contact Mode with her.Her friend says she has become fully withdrawn from everybody

 

I am very heartbroken over this entire episode and I dunno what exactly to do. I am unable to even rationalize as to why did she feel that way as I have always treated her with utmost respect and care, never pestering or nagging her and I am definitely not someone who is dominating and imposing on my partner wishes. Her friend also shared with me that she is a non confrontational person and does not share things openly. My girl had shared with me her past relationships and in both cases the guys had treated her very shabbily and broken her. Nowhere I had behaved this way. My parents as well used to be very happy that I finally seem to identified my partner. They will also be terribly broken at this turn of events

 

Please share some thoughts on what I should be doing now

[and so it goes]

Very sad and I feel your pain, but this might not, even probably not have anything to do with you personally, and everything to do with her mindset or stage of life in general.

 

Wondering if you two are around the same age or is she quite a bit younger?

[DanZee]

Well, it's time for a reality check. You've only known this girl for 5 months, you only met her twice, and you were "leading to marriage?" She either woke up from her fantasy or someone shook her awake. She probably realized that she didn't even know you and here she was talking about marriage and moving to India with an almost total stranger. (What nationality is she, by the way?)

 

The Internet has sucked people into believing that what they experiencing online is real life. But an online romance is a fantasy. And it attracts people who are too shy or have a societal disorder that makes them withdraw from the real world and live in this fantasy world. What you had was 95% fantasy in your minds. The texting and phone calls only provided 5% of reality.

 

I know that in India there are still arranged marriages and couples are expected to find love during their marriage, but if the girl is a Westerner, her philosophy about love is different. And as I said, she either came to her senses or someone made her see sense.

 

What you should do is find a real girl who lives close to you that you can date for real. Go out and go to the movies, go out to eat, walk around town, hold hands, kiss each other. The Internet is a poor substitute for this experience, but it's something you need to experience.

[ShatteredMan]

A month after we met, I told her that I am OK to take to the next step in terms of marriage and so on.

 

I don't know if this exactly what you meant to say. If it is, there's where this whole situation went wrong.....

[trekker87]

She is 28 and I am 30

[abitbroken]

Well, it's time for a reality check. You've only known this girl for 5 months, you only met her twice, and you were "leading to marriage?" .

 

Honestly, if they are Indian and are more inclined to arranged marriages and such, i don't think this is out of left field if both parties are on board with it. I am guessing that is their culture because he was talking about being in India so they could introduce eachother to the parents if it so happened that a formal engagement was going forward.

 

I think the best course of action is to not contact her again. She knows he is interested and she has ruled him out as a marriage partner for the time being. She has things she wants to accomplish first and because he really wanted to get married soon, she decided to not go through with a formal engagement. I think he needs to respect her wishes and leave her be. If she changes her mind, she knows how to get in touch -- but i would move on if i were him.

[PerkyGreek]

Hi trekker87,

I have known a number of Indian couples and a few were arranged marriages (by parents), a few of them met here and dated for some time before getting married, and a few of them were just like yours, they met online, met personally, met some more and then got married. Among these some worked well while some did not. There was also a couple I know who started really well but the guy changed and started physically abusing his wife. It is possible that your girl heard stories like this.

 

Now, please don’t be offended but the way you described the events, there is a business-like quality to the way you approached the proposal and she might have seen the decision making as one sided and felt that her life would become this way. I got that from “She also hinted that my girl felt i was too strong and would not allow her to thrive freely and started feeling suffocated in the relationship.” So when you said, “I am definitely not someone who is dominating and imposing on my partner wishes,” instead of saying it, if you can show that to her or a future proposal, it might help assure the girl.

[trekker87]

Hi trekker87,

I have known a number of Indian couples and a few were arranged marriages (by parents), a few of them met here and dated for some time before getting married, and a few of them were just like yours, they met online, met personally, met some more and then got married. Among these some worked well while some did not. There was also a couple I know who started really well but the guy changed and started physically abusing his wife. It is possible that your girl heard stories like this.

 

Now, please don’t be offended but the way you described the events, there is a business-like quality to the way you approached the proposal and she might have seen the decision making as one sided and felt that her life would become this way. I got that from “She also hinted that my girl felt i was too strong and would not allow her to thrive freely and started feeling suffocated in the relationship.” So when you said, “I am definitely not someone who is dominating and imposing on my partner wishes,” instead of saying it, if you can show that to her or a future proposal, it might help assure the girl.

 

I am afraid to make any first moves as i have been told she is very withdrawn into a shell and I might end up hurting her. I had initially planned to fly down and meet her but she told she was feeling suffocated I did not want to annoy & act clingy with her. I am confused as to how do I prove this to her