Insecurity and depression in relationship/connection...

[samleexoxo]

So I've been seeing this guy for on and off for 2 years... it was never official, seemed it, but never was. I'd see him a lot when we first started talking.. we would communicate every day and it was really nice. It was hard because he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship due to his depression and what he was going through with work. Another problem is that I was 21 when I first met him.. and he was 36. So the age difference is another problem that may make a relationship seem difficult between us two. I've always accepted it because I knew there were big differences and we were on two totally different pages in life. He was always difficult to reach out to so I started distancing myself and tried to meet other people who wanted something long term. I did have strong feelings for this guy though.. but I knew it was something that wasn't possible so I'd back off and see if maybe he wanted to communicate later on when things weren't as busy with his home life/work life/etc. I didn't ever pressure him for a relationship. I knew of his insecurities, past hurts and current baggage so I backed off and let him be at times. I talked to him whenever I could. I of course did my own thing and dated others who had potential as I said before..

 

Whenever I'd go distant for a bit to work on myself and try to back off from the situation, he'd come back and question me on why I didn't contact him or if "I had a boyfriend" in the time I was away from the situation. I guess because my feelings for him were still there that I'd still speak to him and see him whenever I was in his town... this was also difficult because even though I seen him and he reassured me things were fine, my feelings got stronger and I knew maybe keeping in contact constantly wasn't a good time for the both of us. He'd start to accuse me of "having a boyfriend" or make comments about me sleeping with other people.. it started to bug me so I'd get defensive. He was also the first person I was intimate with.. so it really bothered me when he'd make jokes about me being sexual with other people. He'd tell me to not take his communication so personally and he'd open up to me about his job.. his past and his depression/bi-polar. (I did appreciate this) He's insecure about his body, always calls himself a "loser"... makes fun of himself, hates his job so I feel it really is his own insecurity. I trusted him of course, I just still knew to do my own thing.

 

A year and a half into this back and forth thing with someone who I have strong feelings for is not easy. Now you're probably thinking "he doesn't want a relationship, why are you involved in the first place?" Sometimes you just want to understand the person.. and you care for them so much, and your feelings are still so strong that you can't help but to still be involved.

 

I'm usually a very strong person who knows my self worth but this situation makes me feel completely broken at times. His depression and his emotional instability makes him even so sexually insecure.. he used to be very affectionate for the first couple of months then he just started to distance himself. He tries to be affectionate in bed.. always asks me if I'm okay (which I do appreciate) or asks me if I'm "enjoying myself" and thinks that I am not.. when I clearly am... but for some reason I can tell he doesn't want to get "too close" which makes me feel "not good enough" and insecure about myself. I really hate feeling this way because I do care a lot about him... I've accepted it for a year and a half now and never, ever pressured him into being anything he wasn't ready for but it just hurts a lot sometimes. He used to tell me he doesn't want to "hold me back" from meeting someone so I do go off and find someone who I can love long term but then he comes back and accuses me of talking to someone and having sex with then/having a boyfriend. I know this whole situation may sound CRAZY but is there any advice anyone can give me?

[SooSad33]

I know... this is all taking it's toll on YOU.

And I know how hard it is to pull away.... I've been there. I know a few people like this.

 

Have you ever searched mental illness like Bipolar? it is not fun.. and they will be like this, most likely forever.

Unstable... you name it :(.

 

So... it is up to YOU to get away from it and stay away.

Time to weigh the odds in this.

 

And with the fact that you 'have feelings' for him is even more reason to stay away... why?

So YOU can work on healing and accepting the reality... and to heal.

 

All is going to happen is it will keep on bringing you down.

Listen to katy Perry's song... Hot and Cold. That's what it's all about.

 

He has NO right to put you on the spot about your life.. or if you are dating anyone.

 

So... make it clear. That you two are NOT involved and you don't owe him anything!

He needs to see this.

 

YOu need to be strong here!

 

Poor you, being only in your early 20's? Not good at all.

 

He's taking advantage of you and has been for these 2 yrs you have known him.

So, you need to break free of him and get your life back... get yourself together again. Because all this will do

is continue to bring you down.

 

Is this what you want?

Is this how you want your life to be? Confused? Unhappy?

That is HIM and he will bring you down with him... as long as YOU let him.

 

So.. be strong and get away from it all!

 

You deserve someone who is NOT like this. Believe me.

He is not 'stable'.. plain fact.

 

Please.... take this seriously.

You were good enough to reach out about all of this and your concerns. Good for you!

 

You can have a good life with someone out there who is respectful and truly loving, once you get yourself

free of this kind of nonsense.

 

Don't let him ruin you. Be strong.

[samleexoxo]

You're absolutely right... thank you so much for reaching out and for writing this. It helps a lot.

 

He did tell me he has bi-polar disorder early on when we first started talking. He told me this was the reason that he didn't want a relationship or couldn't with anyone.. he knew he was unstable and couldn't give me what I truly wanted and needed. At first I thought "maybe this won't hurt me" but as I distanced myself and he continued to reach out, it hurt more and more when I realized that it does hurt and I do still care for him. There was one time when I didn't have contact with him for 3 months because I was getting to know someone else.. he drunk called me on a night out and started questioning me if I had a boyfriend because I didn't reach out. I also didn't communicate with him for a while after seeing him in January and he reached out and asked me why I didn't call him when he told me he was sick.. and said "nobody cares, you didn't care to see if I was sick or not" but when I do reach out, he doesn't get back to me or answers way later on. Even his lack of communication hurts me. I'm trying so hard to pull away.

[SooSad33]

I know... it can be hard :(.

 

But, I think You DO see what is going on... his expectations are ridiculous. Disrespectful towards you.

 

He knows his instability... he's drunk calling you.. questioning you etc. When he has no rights.

 

This is a push and pull thing. Don't get caught in this. It will do you in.

 

Back away.. and don't play his head games.

 

Do as YOU want... which is not continue to be involved with him anymore. ( It is ALL about him.. see that?).

 

Be strong... you will find better!

[samleexoxo]

Thank you beyond words. Means so much to me. ❤️ I appreciate your advice.

 

I really hope to talk to him next time he contacts me. The sad thing is that when I used to contact him about his behavior, sometimes I would send him a message and he'd totally ignore my message/my feelings and contact me and acted like I never wrote anything. Or he would blame it on me and then I'd feel crazy for feeling so much.. so that's why I don't speak on my feelings anymore... especially because he doesn't "want a relationship."

 

I sometimes feel like I'm a robot who can't feel emotions with someone I've been casually sleeping with for almost two years. He was also the first person I was ever intimate with... I was 21, he was 36, he accepted that I've never done anything before sexually and I think that's why I'm a bit more emotional to the situation. He can also be selfish in bed.. he tells me he wants me to "enjoy myself" and always tells me "he thinks I'm bored" during sex or "I'm not pleased" I say that I am and that he's fine (which I know I shouldn't do but in the moment I just say whatever) ... but I feel he doesn't do much to please me... it all hurts my heart.

 

I apologize for rambling on. I'm just having a tough night.

[MissCanuck]

You already know you're wasting your time with this guy.

 

He also clearly manipulates you. You distance yourself to protect yourself, and he comes at you questioning if you have a boyfriend or have had sex with anyone else? Ugh. He's not a good person, OP. You also have to consider you might not be the only girl on his radar. In fact, you are probably not.

 

I would look at it this way: at the moment, this guy is taking up rent in your heart and mind, but it's not a worthwhile investment. Sooner or later, he will move out for good. And you'll be stuck with that huge empty space, wondering why you kept it on hold for him so long. It's far better to evict him now so you don't spend any more of your precious younger years letting an unworthy tenant languish away in your property.

[samleexoxo]

Yes, you're absolutely right. Thank you so much for the advice. I appreciate it. ❤️

 

He would literally defend himself to the end saying he is not speaking to someone else or sleeping with anyone else. I used to never really question him about it.. or say anything.. I wasn't innocent either so I have been with other people and dated others but I never really told him that. I'm a single woman and basically always have been.. I felt I never needed to explain myself to him. He was always very defensive that he never spoke to anyone though. I'd basically shrug it off and just tell myself it's fine cause he's a single man still also. Of course it would still bother me because I'm sure he texts girls here and there but sometimes I think "does he give other girls more than he could've ever given me?" I understand age is a problem and I do give him the benefit of the doubt but it just hurts me even more in the end. I sometimes think he knows I'm more attached and easy to give into him since he was the first person I was ever intimate with... I'm trying to detach and not contact. I do a good job but he comes right back.

 

I really sometimes just want to say something but I don't know how to say it or what to say? It always becomes difficult when we actually are in contact and we start talking like we used to.

[SooSad33]

He would literally defend himself to the end saying he is not speaking to someone else or sleeping with anyone else. I used to never really question him about it.. or say anything.. I wasn't innocent either so I have been with other people and dated others but I never really told him that

 

1) of course he will say all that BS.. to keep you going. I am more that sure that he distances himself and has others he is doing this with, as well... sad.

2) I hope you are dating others... as you remember.. he does NOT want a relationship with you ( over the past 2 yrs.. right?).. then of course.. what else are you supposed to do?

Wait.. for.. nothing?

 

This is the point.

You owe him nothing! You two are NOT in a relationship.

 

People like this are tricky and coniving. Remember, it is all about them. They're selfish.. and all this crap with him

is a joke.. sorry to say :(.

So, time to give some big space...away from him now! He deserves no more of your effort or emotions.

 

Time to get away... and keep going.

Sadly.. he is no invested in you and never will be... hurtful, I know. But this is how they are :(.

 

Do you live near to him? Cause the best way to go is no more contact.. at all.

So you need to STOP replying to him...be silent.. this all needs to stop.