fiance's parents unsupportive of our home purchase

[d346]

not sure where to post, but ugh, I need to vent!

 

Ok, so I'm recently engaged (like 3 or 4 mos), and we just bought a house... it happened very quickly -we picked an area that makes best sense -got pre-approved etc. Well, our first day hunting, we saw a bunch of crap, but fell upon a house we loved. We put in an offer, and they accepted.

 

ok, so, now we're dealing with the wrath of his parents. They are a close knit family, and he is really the first to branch out -(all the other adult siblings are still living at home.) His parents found out how much we're paying, and have been very discouraging about it (we went a little above what we originally wanted, but still below our pre-approval amount) we can afford it. They want to see it to check it out -are going tomorrow with my fiance, and i'm SURE his dad will point out what's wrong and why we're overpaying. They're being very unsupportive, saying he'll be house poor, and now they're sending him new listings of other homes! We already bought a house! -and um, what about what I want when purchasing a home??!!!

 

I can't help but be a little upset and a little angry by this. First of all, they don't even know about my finances. I am providing a chunk of change for a down payment -and I resent that they're now ruining our great accomplishment (buying our first home) -my parents have been nothing but encouraging and excited. Not to mention my fiance and I make about 3 times what his parents make. so I can't help but think they really don't have any clue whether or not we'll be over our head. plus, we're almost 30! I think we can make a smart decision on our own!

 

My fiance says not to worry, they've done this with every major decision he's ever made in his life -they'll get over it. But, what the...** -as we make more money, they're going to make us feel guilty about what we do with it? I can't help but feel soured by this, and now I find myself questioning what we did. (i do love the house though) We stopped by yesterday, any they were making snide comments about how we're not going to afford to eat, etc. etc. are you kidding me? It's a big decision, and of course we have reservations, but do I have to deal with this???!!!

[geo_jane]

Sounds like your in-laws get a kick out of raining on your parade.

 

Let them say what they like it doesn't change the fact that its your money, its your life and now its your house!!! Congrats.

 

If the opportunity arises, tell them politely that you appreciate their concern but the papers are signed and you and your fiance are happy with the house.

[d346]

oh, and they're telling us what we want!

 

ie: "you want a newer home" or "you don't want to maintain a yard that big"

 

We fell in love with it because it was an older brick colonial in excellent condition. and um, yes, maybe I'm looking forward to starting a garden!

[sisterlynch]

It really isn't up to them. They are not progressive in the way that they are reacting to the situation. This is not maure of them. They are probably dealing with an empty nest syndrome or not wanting to let go of the control of the child...either way, let them have their say, but totally ignore them!!

[kungfumaster]

hey d346,

 

yah - my parents are like that too - i know how you feel. concentrate on your own success - they are just jelous that you have probably bought a home at such a "relatively" young age. his type of parents always think that they are right - just like mine, and it takes a whole lot of effort to try to change their thinking. but it can be done. you just have to be true to yourself and your relationship. don't lose your identity or let it waver your confidence in yourself under critism by his parents.

 

if its one thing i learned teaching university students is that no matter how bad they think of you or criticize your teaching techniques or complain, you have to stick to what you truly believe in, and listen to the few suggestions that are legitimate. stay strong and believe in what you and your partner are doing.

 

good luck and take care.

kung fu

[Cecelius]

I say let it roll off -- so long as your man keeps their nonsense to himself, who cares if they are spiteful?

[RayKay]

Sounds like they just might be the type who have a tough time letting their kids go.....

 

 

Honestly though it is none of their business - you both love the place and it is YOUR money and YOUR choice, and they really don't need to know your finances or make snide comments in fact. I think your fiance is aware of how they are and can handle it hopefully.

 

Be polite but firm next time they try and show you other listings or tell you that the yard is too big - "Actually we are not looking anymore, and I LOVE to garden. I'll bring you some of the tomatoes when they are ready".

 

And use the polite but firm tactic in the future, as I am sure they will try to interfere again if they are always like this as your fiance says...could cause some friction at times but stand your ground.

[d346]

yeah, I guess the tough thing is that it's a HUGE deal, -our first home purchase. We're excited, but of course a little nervous. Them pointing and picking from outside in, is not helping my nerves and my reservations.

 

They did this to him when he got an apartment in the city. His dad said "he has a business degree, but can't do the math" insinuating that he wasn't smart to pay so much for an apartment. I guess I'm just pissed because I'M going to have to hear this when I make decisions now too!

 

(not to mention, I don't really think they're too up to date on the going rates of real estate these days...I've been doing a lot of research, and almost bought my own home last year)

 

vent vent vent

[Day_Walker]

Its pretty simple people dont have to be supportive of the decisions you make. This is going to happen, either you can let it bother you or you can dismiss what they say because it is their opinion. Being critical of others decisions doesnt have to take such a negative outlook, it seems that they are over protective and want both of you to make the best decision possible (which they believe to be their decision). Learn to give and take, eventually you will realize getting upset over what his parents say is only going to effect you and your relationship.

[d346]

well, as I anticipated, the fiance came back from showing the house to his dad, freaked out. His dad pointed out a bunch of things wrong.

 

In my opinion it doesn't sound too major, considering a 70 yr old house. -the most major was some rotting by the roof on the little side porch, some old water damage on one of the basement windows... I'm sure a building inspector can give more info, and we can negotiate with seller. one of the things he pointed out was a patch of poison ivy and animal holes in the yard. Are you kidding me?!!! oh yeah, and bugs behind the stairway in the basment. Spider webs!!!!

 

argh. well, I'm going to have him give my dad a call tonight. He has a lot of experience with buying older homes. He has some solid advice about the inspector visit, and how to negotiate with the seller afterward. He always has great advice, (without using scare tactics!!)

 

I agree with the post about giving and taking. I'm going to keep my mouth shut regarding his parents and play it cool, but I swear, they're trying to freak him out of buying it!