Dumper initiates contact after 2 months (messy break up)

[Beckmakan]

Hey, my boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago due to trust issues and has recently started texting me saying they are ready to talk and wants to meet up.

 

 

------

 

We broke up due to a girl that I was friends with. We'd been friends before I'd met him and before we'd got together there was a night where she pecked me on the lips when we were out at a bar, I should point out that i'm totally straight (not curious or bisexual in any way) and her girlfriend was there at the time, I didn't think much of it since she was drunk but obviously I wasn't comfortable with it but didn't make a big scene about it. He knew about his since I told our friend group about it at the time. Me and my boyfriend started dating shortly after that and after 6 months it happened again, I've never reciprocated or initiated any of this, each time it's happened was when she was going in for a hug and after pulling away quickly planted one on me. I told him the next day when we saw each other but he just thought it was weird but nothing more was said.

 

3 months after this we were at a party at my boyfriends flat, the girls girlfriend was there too and everything was going well. At one point she asks me where the bathroom is and I got up to show her. She asked me to come in because she was having a panic attack, I said I wasn't comfortable but i'd get her girlfriend. She started saying that I wasn't a good friend and laying on the emotional blackmail and instead of causing a scene I went in with her. I stood there with my back turned and the whole time I just wanted to leave and get back out so I could get her girlfriend and tell her they needs to leave. They leave shortly after but I then get mad and tell the rest of the people there what happened and that I need her out of my life, everyone agreed that she's way too intense with me and they feel bad for her girlfriend.

 

The next day me and my boyfriend spent the day/night together and everything seemed fine but later that night he brought up that he was really angry about what happened and that if it ever happened again we wouldn't be together. I immediately apologised for hurting him, promised there was nothing going on and said that it would never happen again and that I would speak to her to make sure of it, since her girlfriend is my boss I even started looking for new jobs. We talked some more and he said it was ok and that he wasn't going to leave. A few days later he said he needed time to think and then after a few more days he broke up with me. He said he couldn't forgive me and that he would never put me in that situation. I begged and pleaded but he said it would never be the same and he couldn't move past it, he even compared me to his ex who actually went out of her way to be with other guys. He said it would never be the same. Ultimately I said he should leave the apartment, there was nothing more I could say.

 

------

 

We've not spoken since and i've not reached out to him but he got in touch recently wanting to meet up now he is feeling ready to talk. To be honest I'm not in a place I can talk just now. I get what happened was weird but since there was absolutely nothing sexual or any sort of emotional or attraction to this girl I really don't think I was cheating or betraying his trust. Our mutual friends think he wants to apologize ( I don't think he does) or clear the air (since we have a lot a friends in common and we'll probably bump into each other at some point) but I have no interest in either of those things.

 

We never fought and had an intense 9 months together and I think it was a waste to throw that away over something like this. Obviously I can't make someone love me and he was hurt by what happened as soon as I realised how hurt he was I tried to make things right but it was easier to walk away. Mutual friends that know what happened have come up to me and said they know it wasn't cheating or betraying trust, there was clearly no attraction or intention on my part and that it seemed like an overreaction. Before we broke up I applied for new jobs and the week after we broke up I had an interview and eventually got a new job to get rid of the toxic friendship, if I told her to leave me alone while we all still worked together it would backfire and my life would have been made a lot worse, I realised the only way to do this was to get out and then tell her that we couldn't be friends or my career would suffer. I've distanced myself from her regardless since the break up.

 

I still have feelings for him but I know no good can come from seeing him. There no reason to clear the air or get closure, I don't think I owe him that. If it's just to make him feel better which I think it might be (the texts were all about now he's ready to talk and after I arranged a time to meet he never text back to confirm that was ok) I really don't see the need. I'm not sure what to do, everything got so messy and it's really made me question myself as a person, I've been cheated on before but never thought I'd be the one doing it to someone I loved more that anyone.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry,but I do not understand why he broke up with you. You did nothing wrong. Why were you apologizizing?

 

You did not cheat and deserve a better bf.

[DanZee]

I agree with Holly. I don't understand why he broke up with you. Is he homophobic, or was he just looking for a way out of the relationship? Don't bother with this guy. Just move on.

[Beckmakan]

Thank you for the replies!

 

I think I shouldn't have apologised so much at the time but it just seemed like a natural reaction since he seemed really upset and the friendship didn't really mean much to me so it would be an easy choice if that was the issue. Our mutual friends have been joking for a while that she seemed to have a thing for me when we all hang out but I mostly just laughed it off since I thought it was all nonsense and even if it was true it would only ever be one-sided.

 

He's not homophobic but something doesn't quite add up, don't know if he just ended up building it up to be more in his head but no point trying to think about it more since I doubt i'll ever really know the real reason and I don't think I really want to. It took so much effort not to reach out after the break up but since I'd already said and done everything I possibly could there really didn't seem to be any point and probably the only reason I didn't.

 

I was going to meet up since i'm mature enough if that's what he needs but the more I read the message it felt like he was somehow still angry or resentful and I ended up cancelling. It might just to be to relieve any guilt but based on the tone of the message I doubt there is any guilt since he's the one that feels wronged. If it's just to rehash the breakup or go over more reasons why it needed to happen I don't see the point, if that happens I don't trust myself not to make it clear that there wasn't a reason not to trust me and that it wasn't cheating, I have no feelings for her (or anyone else) and I thought I was just being a friend, granted I wish I'd stood up a bit more and not went because I was uncomfortable (not because I thought it was violating trust, just I don't really like being in a bathroom with other people in general). Her kissing me was wrong but i've started seeing a therapist and she pointed out that it was more sexual harassment than anything else, I could have been a bit more aggressive at the time but i'm not really a confrontational person and she is quite touchy with people anyway, I didn't think much of it and it wasn't a regular thing. There's no point in being 'friends' either since you can't really be friends with someone that doesn't trust you and it'll never actually be a friendship, made my peace with just becoming strangers to each other at this point.

 

It's been a strange two months, it really made me question myself and the guilt I felt was unlike anything i've experienced but I think it's slowly starting to get better. I've got a better job to get out of that toxic mess and cut off that friendship for good, applied before the break up and got an interview the week after it. Been going to the gym 5/6 days a week and spending more time with friends. Sure seeing him out with a new partner will set me back when it happens but hopefully I'm past the point of caring by then and it won't be too bad.

 

Still feel bad if he is genuinely upset but I'd never hurt anyone and there was nothing more I could do or say to make it better...