Got a Message From My Ex-Girlfriend of 5 Years

[WWDGD]

Hi all,

 

(I'll get to the message later on but first I'll give you guys some background)

 

Me and my Ex-Girlfriend were together for 5 years, the final year and a half we were on and off after going through a rough time involving her mental health but were together for 7 months before splitting up for good, she did it over text too which I couldn't believe. I returned home for the summer and she stayed in the city where we went to university but we still talked every day over text and she spoke to me on the phone and said she didn't want to be with anyone else just that we hadn't been right and said that someone had tried to kiss her on a night out and she had burst out crying and we got along perfectly well for the first two weeks. Until that is she moved in with new friends from her work at a bar, she would sleep in the same bed as one of them pretty much every night (nothing sexual happened) and she once called me one day and said that she felt like finally she was comfortable being in her own company and being alone but then that very same night she was back to sleeping in the bed with her friend, with this group of friends she starts going out pretty much every night and taking drugs every night, I know she was regularly taking MDMA and cocaine which she had never been like before over the previous 5 years, so I would text her and say that she shouldn't be doing that because of her mental health problems as it's only going to make things worse and that I'm concerned for her and that maybe those friends aren't healthy people to hang around with, she'd ignore me for a couple of weeks and then reply. This repeated itself at least three times from what I remember, she then starts having boys back to her flat and is unable to bring herself to sleep with them so her new flatmates give her the nickname '-tease' eventually I guess she does start having a lot of one night stands and soon after I think in one of the times when we weren't talking after I would tell her not to take drugs she starts seeing someone and this is less than 2 and a half months after we split up.

 

Eventually I return to university and so by this point we haven't seen each other in person for 3 and a half months, I find out she's seeing someone so I come to the conclusion that I can't see her again as she had been very rude to me over the summer and it would break my heart to see her with someone else, I meet her one last time and tell her I can't see her again and to take care of herself, she says she's going to miss me I say I'm going to miss her by this point both of us are crying in a very crowded public park it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I genuinely feel like I had no choice.

 

Anyway a couple of weeks ago after 6 months of no contact I get a message from her saying that she had hoped we would start talking again about something nicer and that she knew I didn't want her to message me first (she assumed this as I had cut off seeing her) and proceeds to tell me about a STD she had most likely picked up over the summer but potentially beforehand during one of the times we weren't together so I may want to get myself checked (I'm all clear, thank god) I say thank you for letting me know and then tell her that it can never be me to initiate any form of contact again as she is the one that was repeatedly rude to me and then before I had even gotten a chance to see her in person after we split up she was with someone else so I tell her any attempt at talking again in the future has to come from her and only after she has worked on her problems and is truly sorry for the way she treated me and this is where I would like your opinions, I said 'over the summer having to sleep in the same bed as your friend, then sleeping around and then jumping into a relationship speaks to being very needy and points towards a lack of independence so you need to work on that' I also said she had treated me with a lack of respect which I think is an understatement if anything.

 

Does this sound like a fair enough thing to have said given that I've worked on my own problems? They're still together I believe and it's been 6 months as their relationship progressed very quickly so I'm not sure if it's a rebound (does it sound like a rebound to you guys?) but I know it's not healthy for her as it stops her sorting out her problems, I don't think I could get back into a relationship with her just I would like to think she didn't move on so quickly after so long together as it would make me feel like the time we spent together wasn't important.

 

Thanks for reading all of this!

[DanZee]

Well, your problem is you have never really broke up with your ex. You should let her go. Block her and move on. You're just hurting yourself staying in touch with her. There's nothing you can do for her. She'll only continue to pull you down. You should find someone else to love.

[Clio]

What you ve said was fair. And the time you spent together is important no matter when she moved on. The one is not really related to the other. It's just that some people can't bear being on their own. Plus, the last one and a half year of on and off was in reality part of the break up process. Your relationship had been slowly dying for one and a half year. She didn't move on as overnight as it feels. In reality it took a very long time to get to this point.

 

Now you need to realize that the relationship you two had is dead and move on. What she does does no longer concern you. She is no longer the person you remember. She has changed to the point that you two are no longer compatible. The person you remember does no longer exist. The best thing to do would be to cut all contact as it is toxic for you. You cannot fix her so thinking about her problems as if you are still together is in reality keeping you stuck in the past. Exes are like ghosts of the person that dumpees remember. She is not the person you remember. She has changed. Whether she is in a rebound or not, is irrelevant. She changed into someone who is toxic for you.

 

She broke up in a very toxic way for you leaving you having to provide closure for yourself all on your own. Having been in your shoes, I am telling you. The person you remember does no longer exist. Your relationship does no longer exist. In a way, they are dead. I am very sorry for your loss. You need to mourn, accept and move on. Let go of the false notion that you can somehow fix things/save her/ know what is best for her. The person you remember does no longer exist. The sooner you stop having contact with the shell that is now your ex, the sooner you will heal and move on to find someone who is better suited for you. Good luck.