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What the hell do I do.....?


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My original post is in Breaking Up Advice under "Just need to get this off my chest..."



I am struggling big time on deciding what to do. Do I just attempt to move on and get over her, wait hopefully for her to change her mind and message me, or reach out to her to try to work through this?


I just wish the things she said to me over the past week, both good and bad, weren't sending me such mixed signals. What if I do nothing and she changes her mind, what if I message her right now and I seem to clingy and obsessed and then she changes her mind about changing her mind, what if I do nothing, but if I had said something we could have worked things out, what if we are just destined to never see each other again?


I know this was the first relationship for each of us, so maybe she's just truly confused. I know that she was almost done interning for college and was getting ready to look for "real" jobs, I know that she was unsure if she wanted to stay in my area where she's going to school or go back to her hometown(which ultimately is only an hour away), I know that she has a bunch of tests to take to finalize her degree. So with all that was she just overwhelmed by everything and breaking up with me was the one thing she could control? We never fought or argued so I didn't think I was causing stress.


Things that happened in the past week are just confusing the hell out of me. Last Wednesday she invited me to her Uncle's wedding in May and said "I'm so damn happy!". Friday night she leaned over and initiated the kiss goodnight. Saturday we laid in bed most of the day snuggling. Then Sunday its over. On Monday when I got my closing remarks in, I asked her if she thought she'd ever get over this confusion, if she thought we'd ever work? She said "I'm sorry, I don't think so." Was this wording just to spare feelings or is she truly this confused?

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She isn't confused when she is telling you straight up that she is sorry but doesn't think you and her will ever work. That's about as blunt as it gets.


Look, she is moving on with her life, she is more interested in her education, finding a job, etc. She isn't interesting in tagging you along. You are correct in that you aren't adding to any stress, she simply doesn't see a future with you just because she doesn't. Best that you accept that at face value and start healing and moving on. There is no what if here. Sorry.

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You just have to let this go for now. She knows how you feel. She knows how to get in touch with you. You have to maintain no contact now. Lean on your family. Hang out with friends.


My daughter and her first love went through something similar. They knew each other since elementary school, started dating their senior year and through their first two years of college. He was practically the boy next door (he lived around the corner).


He was planning their whole lives together and it was overwhelming to her even though she loved him. She asked him for space. He wouldn't give it to her. She broke up with him. He kept coming over, texting, pleading. It worked for a short period. She felt guilty and tried to spend time with him as friends but he didn't want to be her friend and she didn't want anything else. He interpreted her kindness as interest. They don't speak at all now. It's caused huge ripples with all their mutual friends that they've known their whole lives.


You have to let her go. I know it seems impossible. If she wants to come back she will. I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear.


I've been reminding myself lately of what a counselor told me 20 years ago when I was in the middle of my divorce: "Don't chase. He'll run and he has no reason to look back over his shoulder when he knows you are right there on his heels."

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Unfortunately, she isn't confused.


Something changed for her and she doesn't want to date anymore. I know it sure feels confusing if she seemed very into you just prior, and maybe there is more that she doesn't feel comfortable telling you. Heck, maybe she's met someone else. Or maybe she's been having these doubts for some time and tired to convince herself to stay (also rather common) until she just couldn't.


I think your best bet is to not hang on to hope. At this time, she's already decided it won't work and told you that pretty clearly.

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