Question about No Contact -- should I tell her?

[mick8888]

Okay, for the benefit of those who haven't seen my old posts, the short version:

 

Went out with my ex for about 2.5 years (lived together for about 1.5 years). Broke up in Aug. 2003 but spent most of 2004 hooking up occasionally, this drawing out the breakup. Then didn't see her from Dec. 2004 until a couple of weeks ago (although we instant messaged from time to time) Found out a two weeks ago from her that she's in love with some new guy that she's been seeing for several months.

 

 

Okay, so, she wants to be "my buddy" (ha!) but I don't think I can be friends with her. Obviously she has no feelings for me and while I don't want to be back in the relationship, I'm still in that limbo period where it really hurts (I'm facing the breakup really for the first time, since all of last year I held out hope she'd come back) and I'm feeling lonely and certainly somewhat jealous that she's with someone else in the sense that I don't like thinking about her sleeping with/being held by/happy with another guy even though we're no longer together -- hard to get those visualizations out of my head. ANYWAYS, so obviously the best thing to do here is just not to be in any kind of contact with her, not to get her back or anything remotely like that, but just to heal and get over these lingering feelings for her. I haven't talked to her or instant messaged her in two weeks and I don't want to, but do you think it's important to tell her that I want no contact? In other words, should I just not talk to her anymore, or tell her that I don't want to. Feels like it would be awkward to contact her just to tell her I don't want to contact her anymore. I mean, it's easy to avoid her -- I can just switch off my instant messager, and right now she's in another city staying with her new boyfriend so there's no danger of running into her, and she doesn't really call, so ... but the thing is, if I just don't contact her and don't give her a reason why, she might think I'm really pissed off at her and that's not the case -- I just want to heal. Or should I even really care what she thinks? Some advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh also, her birthday is coming up in a month, and she gave me a card for my birthday a few weeks ago. Should I return the favor, just a simple card with nothing more than "Happy 26th Birthday!" or would that be a "violation" of no contact and not really worth it?

[YNP8112]

Wow....This feels exactly like the situation I was in the fall of this past year. We dated for about 2.5 years....lived together for 1.5 years. We kinda broke up and she started dating someone quickly after. I then moved away over 400 miles away for grad school and the last words I said to her were "I hate you" Then about me giving her no contact for 5 months or so a month ago she decides she still loves me and wants me back.

 

"I'm feeling lonely and certainly somewhat jealous that she's with someone else in the sense that I don't like thinking about her sleeping with/being held by/happy with another guy even though we're no longer together -- hard to get those visualizations out of my head."

EXACTLY how I feel. Thats what makes it nearly impossible for me to even consider getting back together with her.

 

When it was her birthday I didn't give her a card, send her a present or even say happy birthday to her. I figured her new boyfriend could handle that for her.

 

The thing that bothers me is....she says she's loved me the whole time she was with this other guy. How could she do that to me AND him. She pretty much wrecked his life because she told him she still loved me or something to that matter. I just don't understand how she could be with someone else and say that she wanted to be with me the whole time. Why didn't she just stay alone after we broke up if she wanted me back?

[Nap-Man]

I am tired so I will be short....I sent a letter to my ex telling her that I love her but I can't be friends till I have time and space to heal. I did this after a year of the same bull#$%^ you went through. I felt I owed her some sort of explanation. It made me feel better about no contact and the piece of mind that explaining to her why I need to do it has been great for my mentality during NC. I would not send the card. I almost did the same thing for my ex's graduation in a week. I think it undermines everything you are trying to do.......Either be in NC or not, there is no middle ground.

 

Just my experience and opinion.

 

Nap

[Tryingtobestrong]

I would not get in touch unless she does. It has been 2 weeks since you last heard from her? Well, she is obviously not contacting you either, so dont worry about it.

 

Only when she starts contacting you again, you should worry about whether you want to give her an explanation or not.

 

You dont owe it to her, but if it makes you feel better, tell her in a sentence or two, that you think it's best for the both of you to get some distance.

 

Don't make it sound emotional or like a big deal, she got a new guy, so don't play the role of the pathetic ex who wants her back.

 

Good luck!

[Royltnxile]

If you don't want to ever get back together with her, then by all means, ...blow her completely off! If you still desire to keep your option with her over, then don't totally disconnect from her.

 

Nap-man. I kind of disagree with your NC adage. I believe NC needs to be tailored to each individual circumstance. I think that an occasional card, birthday remembrance...etc...etc...is fine, if only to reaffirm to your ex that you are around...without giving her alot of details about what you are up to in your life while you are trying to heal. My situation, I'm 2 months out of a totally unexpedected and out of the blue dumping on Valentines Day...for no reason other than my ex can't handle relationships and does just as well alone. She got scared, liked me too much, and pressed the panic button. We have barely had any contact since. I sent her a card with a note in it a few weeks ago, and haven't heard from her. However, she has called me a few times over the past month and not left messages. I don't call her on the phone. I"m dating others, but I still yearn for her...its like a game.

[Nap-Man]

Roy,

 

You might be right about NC. I guess I should explain a bit more. I meant the NC should be complete NC at least in the beginning. From my point of view it is a bad idea to tell her you are going into NC and then less than a month later send her a birthday card. I agree if you want to keep your options open that you should maintain some minimal contact but I don't think that a month is enough time to heal. If it were me I would wait a few months before sending cards for whatever reason. At least that way if she decides to respond you will be in a better mind set to deal with it. Birthdays are tough though, I know how hard it is to not acknowledge someone you care about on their birthday. I guess I was just hung up on the timing factor and not the actual contact with ex.

[mick8888]

I guess the bottom line is that I do not want a relationship with her in the future, and I'm using the No Contact to heal from the pain of her dumping me and not as any kind of a game to get her back or whatever. I just don't want her to think that it's because I'm angry at her, because that's not the way it is and I can't stand it when my intentions are misread or misunderstood by anyone. I guess I was asking if I should even CARE if she thinks I am angry at her or not?

 

But yeah, in thinking about it I'm going to send her a very simple birthday card just to acknowledge the day -- literally nothing more than a handwritten "Happy Birthday" and my signature below it. I guess I just feel like it's the right thing to do at the moment, just a gesture I would do for any friend. Like I said, I don't hate her, I just need to be away from her to make my healing process easier. I honestly would like to be friends with her someday, when I'm over the whole thing, but I don't see that being for a long time.

[mick8888]

Oh, to TryingtobeStrong -- she doesn't call and she doesn't come over or anything, the only real contact I've had with her the past several months is via Instant Messenger. Sometimes when I log on, if she's on that's when she'll say hello, but I don't initiate it (haven't for a while) and the past 2 times she'd said hello on there the past 2 weeks, I haven't responded. I guess the smart play is that the next time I go on there and she says hi, I should just really quick tell her that it's probably not best if we stay in touch. OR would it be smarter just to keep ignoring her and not give any explanation whatsoever? It just feels stupid to say "I don't think we should be in touch" when if I don't write her back then we really WON'T be in touch! I'm sure she'll get the hint eventually, I guess it's just the whole thing about if I ignore her, she'll think I hate her -- and no, it doesn't matter in terms of the relationship, because I don't want to be in a relationship with her ever again, but more in terms of (for lack of a better word) my reputation -- I don't like ANYONE thinking I hate them when I don't.

[ocean9]

mick,

 

I am going through this right now too. My ex wanted to be 'friends', but I couldn't do it. She is seeing another man, and basically wanted to have her cake and eat it too. That was really messing with my head. I couldn't deal with being strung along, I deserve better.

 

Anyway, I haven't heard from her in a few days, and I haven't contacted her either. The last couple of days, I've been struggling with whether or not to tell her that I am doing NC. So far, I'm simply not initiating contact. I also did not reply to her last email. She is smart enough to 'get it'. I also think that contacting someone to say you're not going to contact them anymore is a mixed message. PLUS what if you can't stick to NC -- then you come off as someone who's word means very little.

 

I don't think it is possible to be "just friends" with someone you want more with. It's damn hard, and if the other person is seeing a new person, it's killer on the self-esteem, and feels like a knift to the heart. It hurts less to do NC then to keep getting hurt again and again by the same situation/person.

 

I think that your ex will be smart enough to realize you need some space. If she is going to make assumptions about how you're feeling, she owns that -- it's out of your hands. You are not responsible for her well-being or for her feelings. What she thinks of you is her business. You are broken up, so it's over. It's the past. NC will help you to heal, and right now, it would be best for you to focus on YOUR thoughts and feelings, not hers.

 

Keep posting. A lot of us are trying damn hard to let go of what just cannot be. It's hard work this NC, but it WILL be worth it!

[mick8888]

yeah, you're absolutely right. i'm still in the mindset of worrying about what she thinks ... i think in the relationship i often put her feelings ahead of my own, and maybe to some degree i am still doing that. i mean, what do i care if she thinks i'm mad at her? it doesn't matter, i guess. i mean, it would be nice that if we happen to run into each other on the street we wouldn't feel the need to run in the opposite direction, but it's going to be uncomfortable no matter what, so ... that's just the way it is.

 

god i really hate being in this weird limbo where i don't want my ex back but i'm still hurting from her dumping me and feeling jealous that she's got a new boyfriend and i'm still single. it sucks. i just want this feeling to be over and to be able to get through a day without thinking about her.

[ocean9]

It takes time to move on, and there's just no escaping that unfortunately. NC is supposed to really help with the healing process, even speed it up a bit. It is like letting a wound heal -- we've got to stop scratching and picking at the scab, and just let it be. The past is the past.

 

I put my ex's feelings ahead of my own too, so I completely understand what you are saying. It is hard to just suddenly stop doing that. I think crossing paths is uncomfortable no matter what, and sometimes the best thing to do is to turn around and walk the other way (if possible without making a big scene)

 

Ya, I'd like to get through a whole day without my ex on my mind too! Man, how long will that take? I can at least go a few hours without thinking of her though, so I'm making some progress.

[mick8888]

yeah, i was doing a bit better not having seen her from december until the beginning of april, but then again i was also still kinda fooling myself that she might eventually "wake up" and come back. so now that i got hit with the reality a couple weeks ago that she's in love with some other guy (the first guy she's been in love with, slept with, etc. since we broke up) i'm having to really deal with the loss all over again, but even worse in some ways than from when we first split. i'm hoping no contact helps ... it's just so hard. and even though i rationally know in my mind that our relationship was unhealthy, that she's got MAJOR issues, that she was bound to dump me and move on eventually, that it never would have "gotten better," the irrational part of my mind is like, "what's wrong with me? why would she rather be with someone else? i'll never be with another girl as hot as her. howcome she gets to be with someone and in love, and i'm here single and lonely? it's not fair!" i gotta find a way to snap out of that, but it's hard. i've been focused on other things -- going to the gym every day, concentrating on my work, hanging out with friends, etc. -- but those distractions don't seem to edge her out of my mind. she's always lurking in there.

[ocean9]

no, it's not fair -- life is often not fair, sucks, I know!

 

my ex just called a few minutes ago and left a message, and it is taking every ounce of strength I have not to call her back (I'm screening my calls) -- it is hard work to stop old patterns. I know if I call her, she'll want to get together, and then I'm right back in the no-win situation. She wants the new guy, so she should go and be with him and leave me out of it. I don't want to buy into false hope anymore. She had plenty of time to 'wake up'. My ex came back plenty of times, but she always took off again. For awhile, I didn't even KNOW there was someone else. Anyway...

 

my ex had serious issues too -- I could have written your last post actually -- kind of weird to read someone else's words, and see reflections of my own situation, but at the same time it is very validating, y'know?

 

we have to keep focusing on us, and people who are there for us, and good, healthy activities

 

If you knew it was going to end eventually, for what it is worth, I think you are better off without her. I had that feeling with my ex too, a strong gut feeling that it just wasn't going to last, plus she has too much to work through at this point in her life, we are just not on the same level in so many different ways.

 

Even though it is hard, sometimes NC hurts less than actual contact does.

[mick8888]

it's definitely true: "outta sight, outta mind"

 

i was doing alright until she showed up at my door three weeks ago to give me a birthday card (actually, it was more bad luck -- i was taking out the trash when she came walking up, and she said she was just gonna leave the card between my screen door and front door). so of course i invited her in for a minute so she could visit with the dog we had gotten together ... and of course she looked absolutely phenomenal, and of course when she hugged me it was one of those sorta cold "friend" hugs as opposed to the passionate way she used to hug/hold me, and of course she had to say stuff like "you're my bud, don't be a stranger"... so yeah, all of that brought me right back to square one and feeling horrible. and then finding out a week later from her via IM about her new boyfriend (i had my suspicions, she only confirmed them) and her saying "i was really hoping you had met some great girl" was the big double whammy. so i've learned that at least for the foreseeable future i cannot see her face-to-face or even talk to her because it will just hurt more. i don't need to know the details of what she's up to, and i don't need to be reminded how great she looks because unfortunately, it's like hypnotism -- i forget every bad thing about her when i see her face. it's horrible. i wish she was physically unappealing to me, but that's not gonna happen. anyways, so yeah, no contact is the ONLY way to go to avoid making this hurt go on and on. i just wanna erase her from my life right now. maybe when i'm healed i can look back on it all and see the good and the bad, but at the moment i just want her far, far away.

[ocean9]

my ex is really attractive too, and the chemisty was always really strong, and hard to resist -- I get what you are saying about having to see them face to face, no fun at all.

 

I honestly think it is immature and insenstive of them to think we want to hear about the new people they are dating -- don't they 'get it', to me it's just plain common sense not to discuss stuff like that with an ex unless lots of time has passed.

 

Clearly you still have feelings for her, so yes, no contact will do wonders for you -- you'll feel better soon, I can practically guarantee it. Seriously, whatever you do, don't make the mistake I made and try to be her friend, I regret that a great deal actually, because now I am having a hell of a time walking away -- it's like the wound is always bleeding. I never gave myself the time I needed to heal. I chose to put her need to have me as a friend above my own need for time and space to heal. Big mistake!

 

Can you get away for the weekend or anything like that? A change of scenery will help for sure. Can you and your friends take a little road trip or something? Have you boxed up all of the things she gave you and packed it away somewhere? (I did that, and it helps a lot! Having stuff stare you in the face is killer)

[mick8888]

Well, in her defense she didn't tell me about the boyfriend thing for several months and she definitely didn't rub it in my face. She was pretty vague about it, and it only came up because she mentioned she was going to Los Angeles for a little while and she knew that I knew what was up, so she just put it on the table without getting into too much detail. So at least I can respect her for that.

 

But yeah, I tried doing the friend thing all last year, and we would sleep together sometimes and all of that, since she wasn't seeing anyone else, and I had told myself that I could handle just being friends, but obviously looking at it now I see that was just a way of me holding onto her and still hoping that she would change her mind and come back. Now I know that the only way of moving past it is not to be friends, and very possibly forever. Maybe down the road when I am COMPLETELY over it then I can be pals with her, but I don't see it happening for quite some time. I went through this same situation about 9 years ago with a girl I had been with for 5 years (and engaged to), and it took me a while to get over her and we are not friends at ALL. Not enemies, but just not in touch anymore, and I don't sweat it one bit. Hopefully I will get to that point soon with my most recent ex.

 

In any event, I'm focusing all my energies on two things at the moment -- going to the gym every single day and working out (been there every day for the past week doing either cardio or weights and going again as soon as I finish typing this), and focusing on my work (I'm a writer). Hopefully with the former, I'll get back in shape and rebuild the confidence and self-esteem necessary to get back in the dating game, and with the latter I can become more disciplined and a better writer, and get something positive out of this whole ordeal. It's hard for me to get away at the moment, but I think I'll be alright, and I have a great dog that keeps me company and is always happy to see me! Life could be worse, I guess.

[ocean9]

mick,

 

I think that writing is very purgative and can be effectively therapeutic. It can aid the healing process tremendously when used as a tool in that regard. I've written a great deal about what I've been through, and the act of telling the story, making it tangible in a sense, has been helping me to "see" what is happening a little more clearly. It is hard to make excuses for my choices when it is right there in black and white. I can also see my progress, and my patterns. Expressing our emotions is so crucial to healing and moving on. Sometimes I will sit and write what I'm learning and what I've learned from this relationship, and that has been really interesting as well. And of course, sometimes I just write "fu*k, fu*k, fu*k -- a few pages of swears can be helpful too! LOL! It can really release any tension, especially what we cannot respectfully express in the company of others)

 

Have you tried meditation at all? I've been cycling, hiking, and doing a lot of walking. Being out in nature has helped me tremendously (except for when I go to places she and I used to go, ugh -- I don't recommend doing that) Exercising is really important, so I think it is great that you are keeping it up. The endorphins produced are rather effective!