I need to talk with someone

[stelladevania]

Basically i just need someone to share my feelings and thoughts, i hope people here would like to listen. Advice may be great.

So to start it off, i used to be a play girl, i treated relationships as a game. But it all changed when i met my girlfriend (well, ex, now).

At first she was the most loving, caring, understanding person i've ever met. She also always go all out on money for me. We both love each other so much, i didn't even know this kind of feeling was possible.

But we're basically broken. Mostly me getting angry and disappointed in her behaviour and she thinks it's childish chatter. It's not that simple, a lot of things had been building up and results in me being exaggerating everything. I don't even know how to convey my feelings anymore and everything just feels so messed up. She's changed so much since the first time we went out. We used to talk on the phone since waking up till going back to sleep every day. She doesn't do that anymore. Even when i call her she's always doing something else. The problem is i know she isn't thay busy. She just doesn't put in the effort of making time for me anymore. And she thinks this is normal, because in the past we were still in "fluttering" moment. This is where we disagree. I think that effort should never disappear no matter how long we've been together, but she thinks that it's time for her to feel "calm" knowing i love her so she doesn't have to put in as much effort.

So yesterday we broke up, she kept crying and begging for me to say but i kept saying no. I know that it's still not to late to change my mind, but i don't want to be in a relationship with repetitive "making mistake- get angry- break up -say sorry -then keep making the same mistake" pattern. I just don't see a future anymore in our relationship.

Do you guys think i expect too much out of her? If you think i should try again, what should i do to fix our broken relationship? Because i know she loves me just as much as i do, we just disagree a lot.

[DanZee]

Well, you didn't give a lot of detail, like how old you are, how long have you've been friends, etc., but based on what you said, a person just can't be on the phone all day. People have things to do. There are probably other people in your girlfriend's life. Maybe she has school or work to do. You've got to give people their space. It's possible you're too clingy, too possessive. If you're constantly getting angry, breaking up and making up, your girlfriend is going to get tired of it, which she may be already. In a relationship, you have to calmed down. You can't monopolize someone's life. If you get back together with her, you have to set some limits, like maybe you only call her at night or text her four times a day. That way you give her some space so she can live her own life.

[stelladevania]

Well, you didn't give a lot of detail, like how old you are, how long have you've been friends, etc., but based on what you said, a person just can't be on the phone all day. People have things to do. There are probably other people in your girlfriend's life. Maybe she has school or work to do. You've got to give people their space. It's possible you're too clingy, too possessive. If you're constantly getting angry, breaking up and making up, your girlfriend is going to get tired of it, which she may be already. In a relationship, you have to calmed down. You can't monopolize someone's life. If you get back together with her, you have to set some limits, like maybe you only call her at night or text her four times a day. That way you give her some space so she can live her own life.

Thanks for replying, it means a lot and i do need to know my short comings if this is my fault not hers.

I'm turning 21 and she's turning 31, that's why she thinks i'm childish.

Though i have to disagree, the only things i expect from her are the things she taught me "how a girlfriend should be". As i said, i used to be a playgirl, i didn't know how to be a good girlfriend. I'm only asking for the things she asked me. (I've done everything she asked me, like going to university while working)

I know she has time, she just doesn't prioritize me anymore. For example, last night, when i called her she told me she was with her friends, so she hung up. Then i went to band practice, she called me (i've already told her i was with my band) and told me to go home. I went straight home without finishing my band practice (i've always listened to whatever she says). But when i got home, she told me she wanted to sleep. I got mad because this is extremely egoistic. I thought she wanted me to go home so she can call me. But she couldn't spare some minutes to talk to me.

She always says that she love me like crazy but she doesn't act like it. I'm not expecting her to call me from dusk till dawn, i just wish she would spare some minute to spend some time with me. And this is just one of the many examples of her egoistic behaviour. My anger had been building up for 2 months that it explodes. And basically i'm insecure whether she still loves me or not. But of course, she has so many good qualities too except for the not attentive part.

So i'm completely confused, one part of me says that i probably wont ever find a love like this ever again, the other part says our relationship has no future and would be a waste of time and feeling to continue.

[stelladevania]

Well, you didn't give a lot of detail, like how old you are, how long have you've been friends, etc., but based on what you said, a person just can't be on the phone all day. People have things to do. There are probably other people in your girlfriend's life. Maybe she has school or work to do. You've got to give people their space. It's possible you're too clingy, too possessive. If you're constantly getting angry, breaking up and making up, your girlfriend is going to get tired of it, which she may be already. In a relationship, you have to calmed down. You can't monopolize someone's life. If you get back together with her, you have to set some limits, like maybe you only call her at night or text her four times a day. That way you give her some space so she can live her own life.

One other thing, i think our relationship is broken and needs to be fixed but she thinks it's fine. That's why i don't even know how fo fix this or how to make it fine again. Whenever i try to do something to make it right again, it's like she's uncooperative. I did all i could to make our relationship "special" again. She thinks that the "sparks" moments are over and it's time for simple commitment.

What does this even mean? Does simple commitment means stop being happy? Because i've stopped feeling happy for 2 months while still having to keep the responsibilities of being in a commited relationship. I can't even hug my women friends even when she's not present to respect her. (She gets jealous of all girls)

[DanZee]

Well, you've completely changed what I was thinking with your added posts. She's much older than you and she's controlling and manipulating you. I would say she's emotionally abusing you and you're emotionally dependent on her which leads to it being a toxic relationship. Some of the signs of emotional abuse is when your partner isolates you from your friends and family, is jealous, accuses you of trying to cheat on her, creates fights and arguments, and so on. You can Google "emotional abuse" and read about it for yourself. The biggest sign is when you're unhappy all the time, you lose your confidence in yourself, and you're told you can't do anything right.

 

I think you need to break up with your girlfriend and find someone your own age who is happy and fun and who wants to be with you all the time. A relationship should never make you unhappy. If it does, there's something wrong with it.

[glitterfingers]

Sounds like there are unhealthy patterns and issues on both sides, which is usually the case when you find yourself in a situation like this. Ultimately, you've decided you no longer want to be with her. I agree with your decision.

 

It sounds as though she is controlling and possessive. But, I think she is right about being able to sit back and enjoy some stability in the relationship. While she may be controlling, you may be a bit needy. This would be the most obvious explanation for how you got into a relationship with someone who controls your actions - telling you to go home from band practice, telling you that you can't hug other girls. In a way, you might have allowed this because you felt that if you complied with her actions, she would approve of you and love you more, because it meant you're a good girlfriend who deserves her love. It's very unhealthy and I would not encourage you to ever make "small" sacrifices like this. They create a toxic dynamic and lead to resentment and low self-worth, like what you are experiencing now.

 

The other reason that you might have felt bored yet suffocated by your relationship (trapped in an unfulfilling situation) might also be to do with the large age gap. I would think this is also why you fell into a controlling/subservient dynamic, because she uses her age and experience to manipulate the relationship on her terms. But she may have fallen into that role if you have a slightly immature approach to relationships - like, being a "playgirl" or expecting a greater level of commitment and attention.

 

Either way, it all sounds very messy. These comments are just something for you to think about. Once again, I think you made the right decision to break up. I think you should go No Contact - delete/block on everything and do not communicate with her. If she is manipulating you, she will probably easily make you doubt your decision and possibly fall back into unhealthy patterns.

[stelladevania]

Well, you've completely changed what I was thinking with your added posts. She's much older than you and she's controlling and manipulating you. I would say she's emotionally abusing you and you're emotionally dependent on her which leads to it being a toxic relationship. Some of the signs of emotional abuse is when your partner isolates you from your friends and family, is jealous, accuses you of trying to cheat on her, creates fights and arguments, and so on. You can Google "emotional abuse" and read about it for yourself. The biggest sign is when you're unhappy all the time, you lose your confidence in yourself, and you're told you can't do anything right.

 

I think you need to break up with your girlfriend and find someone your own age who is happy and fun and who wants to be with you all the time. A relationship should never make you unhappy. If it does, there's something wrong with it.

Yes i guess you're right. I've been waiting for her to be the one that's trying to fix things instead of me, but i guess it's not happening. I'm just feeling a little regret because it would be her birthday in 2 days and i've been saving up.. I think if i don't show up on her birthday any chance of getting back together would disappear.

I've been looking for an excuse to get back together, but i guess there's none. She's the one who broke up with me btw. I'm feeling so messed up, a lot of emotion right now. Sadness, regret, hope..

Dating her feels like a roller coaster of emotion. One time she makes me fly but the next moment i'm disappointed again. She knows how to "say the right things" but when i'm alone and think back on our arguments i always realize some kind of contadiction in what she said with what she said in the past. She knows how to make me feel sorry for being angry at her.

I'm literally crying right now. I keep remembering the good times i had with her. She used to treat me like i'm the most important existance in her life. We made plans for the future. It's like everything means nothing now. How did things go wrong... I just wished we could go back in time.. It was so beautiful before..

[stelladevania]

Sounds like there are unhealthy patterns and issues on both sides, which is usually the case when you find yourself in a situation like this. Ultimately, you've decided you no longer want to be with her. I agree with your decision.

 

It sounds as though she is controlling and possessive. But, I think she is right about being able to sit back and enjoy some stability in the relationship. While she may be controlling, you may be a bit needy. This would be the most obvious explanation for how you got into a relationship with someone who controls your actions - telling you to go home from band practice, telling you that you can't hug other girls. In a way, you might have allowed this because you felt that if you complied with her actions, she would approve of you and love you more, because it meant you're a good girlfriend who deserves her love. It's very unhealthy and I would not encourage you to ever make "small" sacrifices like this. They create a toxic dynamic and lead to resentment and low self-worth, like what you are experiencing now.

 

The other reason that you might have felt bored yet suffocated by your relationship (trapped in an unfulfilling situation) might also be to do with the large age gap. I would think this is also why you fell into a controlling/subservient dynamic, because she uses her age and experience to manipulate the relationship on her terms. But she may have fallen into that role if you have a slightly immature approach to relationships - like, being a "playgirl" or expecting a greater level of commitment and attention.

 

Either way, it all sounds very messy. These comments are just something for you to think about. Once again, I think you made the right decision to break up. I think you should go No Contact - delete/block on everything and do not communicate with her. If she is manipulating you, she will probably easily make you doubt your decision and possibly fall back into unhealthy patterns.

Thanks for replying.. I'm really sad right now so any kind of consolation is really helping me..

I'm still waiting for her to be the one to fix things but i guess it's not happening..

[stelladevania]

Btw we're in a long distance relationship that's why talking on the phone is important. I'm not expecting a call a day, i'd understand if she's ACTUALLY busy. I just know she's not

[Wiseman2]

Have you ever met in person? How often do you see each other? Do you work? Attend college? Why not join some local LGBT groups for support and experience?

Btw we're in a long distance relationship that's why talking on the phone is important.

[stelladevania]

Have you ever met in person? How often do you see each other? Do you work? Attend college? Why not join some local LGBT groups for support and experience?

We see each other twice a month now. At first we meet once a week. I'm in college while working and she's a performer that only perform 2-3 times a month in general. She's basically free all the time.

She doesn't like me talking to my friends about our relationship problems with my friends as it would make her look bad. So i can't even get consolation from my friends.

That's pretty messed up, i know. But this is my first serious relationship, i want to be the best girlfriend i can be so i don't regret anything.

[stelladevania]

Update

 

She just called me and assured me to get back together. I think i'll give it another shot..

[SueJohnson]

I think you felt taken for granted while she thought being together meant

that the beginning butterflies were no longer required. It is just communication and learn how to compromise. You two can still sit down and talk over the difficulties in the previous relationship and decide how to fix the issues. Take it slow and don't jump right back in without working out the kinks first. Good luck!