Ravaged by Guilt... what next.

[JTS]

I recently cheated on my girlfriend of four months. I care for her but she cares for me even more. I know it was a stupid unfufilling act. I am being buried by guilt. I am tempted to tell her to get it off my chest but I know it will obviously crush her and end our relationship. I feel that since I made the mistake I should suffer the guilt and should not hurt her by telling her. Ladies, would you rather not know or know in this situation. I have been in many relationhsips and have never cheated before so it i not in my character. Please let me know what you think

[tabytha]

I think most would like to know.

 

Thats not to say that you'd be forgiven, that all depends on the individual people involved.

 

But she has a right to know even though it will hurt her. How foolish would she feel if she found out through other means?

[Lyfe]

I think most would like to know.

 

Thats not to say that you'd be forgiven, that all depends on the individual people involved.

 

But she has a right to know even though it will hurt her. How foolish would she feel if she found out through other means?

 

I agree with you on that one.

[wanderer]

i say you tell her and fess up to your actions. i believe this is the only way to show that you truly regret it and that you care about her feelings. keeping it a secret from her is about the dumbest thing you can do, because she will eventually find out and the pain will be much worse for her when she does. i hate to sound cold, but i think you should be a man about it and be honest with her. if she cannot forgive you for it even after you come clean about it, you either don't deserve her or you two are not right for each other. if she does forgive you, expect a few weeks or months of rebuilding trust. if you can survive that, you'll be a stronger couple in the future.

 

that's my blunt and cold answer. good luck

[lovelynns]

I feel that since I made the mistake I should suffer the guilt and should not hurt her by telling her.

I call BS. You don't want your relationship to end, that's ok that's normal, that's honest. But don't lie to us and lie to yourself and say that you should 'suffer the guilt'.

 

Ladies, would you rather not know or know in this situation?

I would rather know.

 

I have been in many relationhsips and have never cheated before so it i not in my character.

Don't be so quick to claim this. If you did something, it is in your character. Your character is defined by what you DO, not what you say.

 

Be a man, fess up. Expect a lot of distrust. Expect her to react very emotionally, and be ready to give her some space. She may need some time to process what's happened. She might not want to even look at you during that time. You are very much at her mercy. Accept that, and you may yet have a chance.

[Hope75]

I agree you should let her know.

 

Obviously the relationship was not fulfilling your needs or you would not have cheated on her, and that needs to be addressed.

 

She has a right to know the truth and then decide if she wishes to continue the relationship with you.

 

Hopefully you will think next time before you act, and if the relationship is worth it to you, you will not cheat.

[RayKay]

I think she deserves to know at this early on so she can make a choice....and I think you need to think about why only 4 months in you cheated on her....this is supposed to be your honeymoon period!

 

Of course that does not mean she will forgive you...I know in her position I would not, especially not only 4 months in, and I would be moving on and showing you the door. She may vary, but if she DOES forgive you....you better be ready for some serious loss of trust on her part that you will have to regain - you might not be willing to do that and may choose to start over anyway.

 

It may be case that you should end this relationship anyway as you are not fulfilled by it, so while you feel guilty, I don't think you have the same emotional investment she may.

 

For her own good it might be best to let her go, and yourself so you can move on to people whom satisfy you and return what you provide for them.

[Royltnxile]

Don't tell her JTS. If you really like this girl, then resolve to remain faithful to her from here on out.

 

You messed up once, then let it be only once.

 

Don't tell her about it if you value her and the relationship.

 

Has your relationship been "serious" from the start? Or has it been casual dating growing stronger as time goes by?

 

The reason I ask is that I'd like to know if 4 months into it you have reached the "exclusivity" stage yet? If you haven't discussed things like commitment, exclusiveness, ...etc..e.tc.....then I wouldn't spoil it by confessing to sleeping with another at this point.

 

What happens if you confess to her and she comes right back with something like "well, as long as you are bringing it up....I've got something to tell you too....I also have been with another"....

 

See what I'm getting at? I think it would be best to not say anything it all, work through your guilt yourself, and work on building the relationship. 4 months isn't a very long time (not to mean that your feelings can't be strong and meaningful in that time period)...but you know what I mean.

[lovelynns]

Let me translate for you:

 

Don't tell her JTS. If you really like this girl, then resolve to remain faithful to her from here on out.

Don't tell her, JTS. If you really like yourself, then resolve to never, ever tell her, and never, ever get caught.

 

You messed up once, then let it be only once.

You messed up once, better get your practice in.

 

Don't tell her about it if you value her and the relationship.

Don't tell her about it if you value only you and don't care how she is treated.

 

i admit the exclusivity thing is important. if you're not exclusive, this shouldn't be an issue.

[Royltnxile]

Thanks for trashing my post Lovelynss,

 

You totally missed my point. Then at the end of it you said you agreed with the "exclusivity" issue???????????

 

That's what I was trying to say. The issue is wether or not they are COMMITTED.

 

I wasn't advocating cheating.

[Cecelius]

He thinks its cheating, so it cheating.

 

She should know that it happened; everyone has a right to know who they are sleeping with.

 

The other girl could have gotten pregnant, or given him an STD. At a minimum, as the non-cheating party, I would want to know so that I would know to stop having sex until the STD thing can be proved.

 

Lastly, there's no details in the post about whether the other girl is around - is she a friend, is she a co-worker, that kind of thing. It affects it a lot if your g/f is going to be an unknowing dupe in a sleazy situation.

 

My personal rule is the only way out of not telling her is to immediately break up, do not have sex with her, and take it to the grave.

[lovelynns]

You totally missed my point.

If I missed your point, then you meant to say something other than what you said.

 

You clearly indicated that your sugguestion was to not tell her. Period. Then you gave an example to the effect of, "it can open a can of worms".

[Belinda]

Hey... calm down guys. This is about JTS's problem, not about your problem with the advice other members are giving him.

No one has a wrong or right answer, and IMO, everyones opinion here at eNotAlone is valid. We all have different experiences that gives us that unique and beautiful essense that can be added to our opinions.

Please be calm...

 

Now, JTS. I'll tell you how it is from unfortunate first hand experience.

I feel you should tell her. You messed up, but you know what? The more mistakes we make, the more we will succeed. Its part of being human, we are all flawed. Please be open and honest about your humanity. Its nothing to be ashamed of if you made a mistake. I always think "If I died tomorrow, Id want everyone to know exactly how I felt and what Ive done"

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and though its sometimes a fault of mine, I assure you, the truth ALWAYS sets you free

Good luck hon, and I hope you have learnt from this experience.

[heat]

You stated that she loved you more. This statement tells me that you have not given all that you can give and you are aware of this. If you feel that you will develop a deeper relationship with her, then practice some self control and allow yourself to mature. If you just dont have anything else to give, then find some way to express to her that you want to be friends, and not interested in a serious relationship with anyone at this time. If she leaves and you feel misrable, you may find you love her more then you thought. You may have to lose her before you can answer this for yourself honestly.

[birdgirl]

If my guy cheated, I'd want him to leave me and not tell me. I don't really want to know... but my biggest fear is staying in a relationship with someone who has cheated.