Friends with benefits

[JackH]

Alright, I've recently gotten into this "friends with benefits" relationship. In the beginning, both of us stated outright that we NEVER wanted it to become anything more than just friends with benefits. So far, we've done pretty well at that, we've become pretty good friends, and the benefits, well...those are always good. But, lately I've been feeling like it's getting very serious and we're getting to a point where we either need to be together or not, and i really like her, but i just don't want to be her boyfriend and i don't want to hurt her feelings by breaking off the benefits part. how can i tell her that i don't want to be friends with benefits anymore, but that i just want to be friends? can this friendship still work after the benefits are gone?

[RayKay]

Friends with benefits situations are not supposed to last forever....they at some point SHOULD be broken off if things are getting too serious and one partner does not want that, or alternatively they should be ended because having a FWB situation often prevents you from truly finding a "real relationship" or taking a risk of seeing what else is out there.

 

People should only get into FWB with situations if they can keep it finite, there are boundaries, communication and so on....most people I think who get into them are not really prepared for the reality of it and enter them in order to "win over" someone or keep someone.....not the right reasons.

 

Sure sex is great, but many times all the risks that come along with a FWB relationship is definitely not worth it.

 

I think if you are feeling like it is getting serious and you do not want that it is better to end it now...rather than later or end up more involved then you want to be. Tell her that you feel that the "benefits" are making things more complicated, and you would like to be able to be free to date without the guilt or something....whatever you feel is the reason...she may have thought it was more, so it might not be easy however...but be firm and kind in your decision. It may hurt her, but it is not fair to lead her on either.

[annie24]

I think you should tell her as gently as you can. That you feel like things are going in a more 'emotional' direction now, and this is not something that you can provide to her. Sure, it will hurt her some, but FWB - that's what you two signed up for. That means things are pretty casual and relaxed, not relationship-py until circumstances change. And it sounds like they have for you.

 

I would just tell her as honestly and directly as you can. Be firm on your decision. Good luck.

[annie24]

RayKay is right. FWB, by definition, is an interim arrangement. There are two outcomes: 1) One person, or both, decide it doesn't work for them anymore, and they break things off. or 2) They decide they like each other enough to be bf/gf, and the title of their relationship changes.

[RayKay]

2) They decide they like each other enough to be bf/gf, and the title of their relationship changes.

 

But I would just like to say as general advice to people reading this be wary of entering into something on hope this will happen - it often does not, and sometimes for very reason you agreed to less than you wanted in the first place.

 

Don't sell yourself short....if you want a relationship don't pretend you are happy with FWB.

[Day_Walker]

I wouldnt get over zealous with the situation, putting an ultimatum in the situation (whether you tell her about it or not) is not good. Obviously what you have with her is something between friends and lovers and you two are bridging the gap. I dont know the exact context of why you two decided to pursue a FWB situtation but you also need to consider that in your decision. Before you make any confessions, or make a drastic change in the nature of the relationship, it would be best if you would get a feeling for her thoughts on the nature of the relationship, or in short her feelings towards you. If she is merely happy with the FWB situation and doesnt want to go any further then because you have developed feelings for her, it is going to end. It can either end badly or maturely, the latter is preferrable. I still wouldnt make any admissions as to your reasons for breaking off the situation simply state that you can no longer continue with the agreement. Since you said that you wanted to be friends after it ends, initially that may be difficult but with time it may be more comfortable.

[Aragorn]

I think you should tell her as gently as you can. That you feel like things are going in a more 'emotional' direction now, and this is not something that you can provide to her. Sure, it will hurt her some, but FWB - that's what you two signed up for. That means things are pretty casual and relaxed, not relationship-py until circumstances change. And it sounds like they have for you.

 

I would just tell her as honestly and directly as you can. Be firm on your decision. Good luck.

 

K,

 

IMO...

 

Friend with benefits is just a BAD thing over all...

 

I would simply say end things as best you can and look for a solid relationship if that is what you desire.

 

Matt

[annie24]

Well... I do know people who've had FWB and it works fine for them. I also know people who have had a real relationship grow out of FWB. But, like RayKay said, that's pretty rare. But, it happens sometimes. But, just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it can't work for others.

[Aragorn]

Well... I do know people who've had FWB and it works fine for them. I also know people who have had a real relationship grow out of FWB. But, like RayKay said, that's pretty rare. But, it happens sometimes. But, just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it can't work for others.

 

Well...

 

I have never tried it nor would I personally engage in such actions, being against my beliefs.

 

I am NOT here to judge or bash BY FAR...

 

I am NOT perfect and I too have had sexual relations BEFORE marriage...

(MUCH to my regret I might add)

 

Which is why I also made the post IMO = In My Opinion

 

 

Matt