Somethings wrong, Im broken and I cant fix this or do this any more. Totally lost. The end?

[itsdarkhere]

I'm not sure where to even start but well here goes no-one will ever know who I am so maybe writing down what's in my head will start to sort things. Maybe I can make sense of things its worth a try right? At this points I guess its my last option. A degree and a thousand books and 25years of listening to the world go by and I'm still not much of a writer. Still drifting and trying to figure what this life thing is all about. As I sit here drinking again, its about the only time I can really think any more and the only thing now that seems to ease my mind. I just feel nothing now, like a purgatory, no anger, no hate but no love either. Just this emptiness like a piece of something is missing, nothing can fill it, no amount of extreme sports or fast cars or adrenaline. Just a blankness.

Well here goes nothing maybe this will never even be read (partially hopefully)

 

I met this girl about 3 years ago in a club and instantly I fell for her. I connected with her in a way I had never connected with anyone before. I used my worst lines and moves on her and she got me instantly. The connection was like nothing else I have ever felt. Within an hour we were finishing each others sentences and by the end of the evening we were sharing our secrets. We spent the night together and it was the most beautiful moment of my life. We lay there together in each others arms and I thought these feelings would never fade. Within a week we were seeing each other nearly every day, a month passed and we were in a relationship and I knew that I really loved her. Every minute apart I wanted to be with her but this didn't fade like a honeymoon phase. It was long lasting and indescribable. I had been in several long term relationships before and seen a reasonable number of girls in the past but nothing was anywhere close to this.

6 weeks into the relationship she announced she would be moving abroad for 9 months in about 5 months time far away to some place I had never heard of and we wouldn't be able to see each other much but she wanted it to work and I wanted nothing else too. The next 5 months were the best and worst 5 months of my life. The best because I was with her and as soon as she was in my arms nothing else mattered, everything was ok, work was fine, my parents dwindling health was ok, there were no worries just that perfect moment. The worst because I knew it wouldn't last, she would go and I would stay and wait for her, it would only be 9 months but that may as well have been an eternity. If I could have stopped time I would have, turns out even with a physics degree its not possible (who'd have thought right?). Thats the thing that is the most terrifying about life, its time, its the only thing that scares me, its the only thing that you cant control, the unstoppable force progressing towards your unknown date when its up.

 

The day she left was the first time I told her I loved her. The first time I ever told anyone that and truly meant it with every part of me. We both parted at the station in tears inconsolable, my drive home separated by stopping points to pull over and be sick. I looked down at her mascara stains on my shirt where we parted and my heart was slowly pulled into parts.

We made it 3 months talking every day and video calling every week then suddenly the messages stopped. No reason it just suddenly stopped. This was followed a few days later by the we need to talk speech and she decided it wasn't working and that we would always be there for each other but the relationship was over. I have never felt lower in my life. I vaguly remember that night coming home form the bar barely being able to stand from the alcohol and the pain. I sat on the bridge beside my house just to think (not about jumping) it was there and is the place I sometimes go to think when things arent so good. Its peaceful and at night you can see the stars. There is something about sitting right on the edge and looking at the sky that seems to be calming I don't really know how to describe it.

Fast forward a few years and I am now seeing someone else that I have been seeing for a little over year. We spend a lot of time together and she is an amazing person. We get on well together and have fun and like each others company. But something is different. Since my ex left she took a part of me with her. I just cant seem to feel anything for anyone anymore I don't know what's up, I don't even really feel about my friends the way I used to or even family, its like the circuit for caring has been taken away I kind of just muddle through this meaningless life thing now. I think about my ex a lot even still, even though we were with each other for such a brief time and we haven't spoken for so long.

 

What the hell is wrong with me? How long does it take to get over someone? What can I do to fix things? I mean nothing I have tried seems to work, every time a slow song comes on I think of her no matter who I am with its like she was some sort of soul mate or something that I just haven't experienced. It's like she was a drug and I can't have her anymore. What is this love thing anyway and how do you really know when you have it?

[Hollyj]

Did you try to reconnect with her after the 9 months?

[itsdarkhere]

I did a little but i just got short and sparse responses like she was trying to distance herself from me as much as possible. I remember dropping all her stuff at hers when she got back. We spoke briefly and I wanted nothing more than to hug her just one last time but I didn't, I chickened out and i will regret that for the rest of my life. I basically spent the rest of the day crying

[Hollyj]

There is nothing that you could have done. It sounds like she had moved on.

 

Regarding your gf, it is not fair for you you to be involved, while you pine away for the other one. She is not the right one. You should break up.

 

i also suggest some therapy to learn how to move on from this other woman. it was only five months, and you are idealizing her, years later.

[ThatwasThen]

I think therapy would do you a world of good. You sound depressed to be honest and you need help in going ZERO contact which means you stop entertaining your thoughts of her and instead you immediately change the subject of her to something else when she pops into your head. You seem to have made your reverie of her your best friend instead of doing the mental work you need to do to move on from her.

 

You're stuck in Limerence (google that and read the Wiki link to it) for her.

[kamurj]

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