Riddle Me This Mess

[Danish]

About 4 years ago my husband and I were going through some major transitions. He lost his job, we have 3 kids. We were angry and distant. I was still holding a grudge against him for messing around with one of his former coworkers. I started talking on the phone to an old high school friend who was going through some post divorce drama. I'll call him EJ. One night I ran into EJ at a party and we both became very intoxicated with alcohol. We had sex. Afterwards he sent me a message via FB apologizing. He felt guilty and felt as if he had taken advantage of the situation. Honestly I don't remember much from that night. But my husband read the message. He had been checking my messages because he said he knew I was angry and didn't know why and was looking for clues. Well, he lost it.

 

We went to marriage counseling immediately. I sank into a guilt ridden depression that landed me in the hospital after a very serious suicide attempt. I have never up until that point looked at another man since I met him at age 19. Ever. I was always the one being cheated on, never the cheater. But I always forgave him. We decided to stay together but he was fat from forgiving. He got a new job and would be out all night. He always claimed he needed time to think and be alone.

 

I found out he was seeing a new coworker and when I confronted him he blamed me. Saying I pushed him to it. That it was my fault for sleeping with EJ. He was mean and distant towards all my efforts to reconcile. One day I took his car to the store and found a new cell phone in his car with messages from another woman, not the coworker. He left home that night claiming he needed space.

 

I took my kids to my parents and tracked his phone to a local bar. I walked in and saw him hugged up with another women. I walked up to them and started yelling. He yelled back that we weren't together because I had cheated on him. He left with her and didn't return for 2 days. Then he moved out but said he wanted to fix things. So we kept going to counseling. He claimed he was staying with his uncle that lived a few blocks over from us but his car was never there. I drove by all times of night to check.

 

Then I found out he was seeing his ex girlfriend from high school. He was suppose to give me 1000 a month to maintain bills. That month he said he had a work trip. But when I called to get information his boss said no he took a vacation. Then I see posts of them together on her Facebook account. I checked his bank account. He spent over 3000 on plane tickets, hotel's and excursions. Even though we have 3 kids and were 2 months behind on our mortgage. Again He said it was my fault because I cheated on him.

 

Everytime I said fine you really don't want to make this work he would claim he did. But he wouldn't come home or stop seeing her. Then boom, we are leaving the house together to take the kids trick or treating and I get served with divorce papers. When I broke down crying he said she pushed him to do it and he didn't know they would come that day. Again it was my fault because I cheated.

 

Everytime I questioned him about his actions he would through EJ who I hadn't seen since in my face. My counselor said he's using EJ as an excuse like a hall pass to go out and do whatever he wants. But claims to want to work it out to keep you on a string. Overtime I got use to him being gone.

 

I put the house up for sale, bought a smaller home of my own and filed for a legal separation. At our divorce hearing to make it final he refused to sign and asked the jugde for more time for us to work it out. But still no change. He claims he can't keep the kids wherever he is living so has to see them at my new home. When he has them he calls to rush me back home and gets an nasty attitude if I go out. If he knows I'm going out he won't show up. He goes threw my stuff If I'm not there and questions the kids about who I talk to or see.

 

Things simmered down for a while and I started talking to EJ again. He took me out a few times and it felt wonderful to be with a man who actually wanted to be with me, who didn't treat me like I'm tainted. I stopped begging my ex to come home. My parents keep telling me this is emotional abuse. He's playing on my guilt and we can never go back now that I left the gate open. He will always have an excuse to cheat and lie. Even more so now than before.

 

DO claims he loves me and just wants me to get out of this mess so we can move on. But my ex hates him with a passion. Claims he trespassed on his family and is going to kick his behind if he ever sees him. My ex has always been a quiet type. He's a huge guy, 6'4" 280 all muscle no fat. EJ is 6'2" slim. I don't want to see any harm so I stopped seeing him altogether. But EJ keeps pushing me. Telling me he's not going anywhere. I'm a little afraid of my ex. He says nobody is going to raise his kids but him there will be no other man in there life. My ex has never raised a hand to me. But he's broken furniture punched walls and calls me tainted. He says I hurt him the worse because he trusted me more than anyone in his life and I betrayed him ( he seems to forget all his cheating however) it's like his cheating never happened.

 

I'm not conceited but I know I'm very attractive, educated, and I have an amazing career. I bring alot to the table and he says he never wants another man to have that. But I'm sitting home alone every night. While he's out dating and living his life until he chooses to drop in and see the kids. He has been trying to be intimate with me as well. But if we do that's another year before I can divorce him.

 

I love EJ, but I feel trapped by guilt. I have 3 beautiful kids with this man who adore him. He can do no wrong. And I never bad mouth him to them. But they aren't stupid either. They tell me, daddy is mean to you. I have to dig my way out of this mess before it gets anymore toxic. I don't love this man but he has a horrible hold on me. He's not even the same man I once would give my life for. He's mean, selfish, angry all the time. He looks at me like I'm dirt. But he won't go away. I'm exhausted. I'll never try to kill myself again. I realized that I was being a coward. I have kids to live for but I often feel like packing us up and running away.

 

I'm just confused as how to end this and find peace between us all. Idk.....

[Hollyj]

Why are you still allowing this guy to dictate your life? he cheated on you repeatedly, and you have allowed him to punish you over and over. I don't understand, as he did much worse. Why are you falling for any of this? STOP allowing your ex to treat you like this.

 

How so you feel about EJ?

 

You should not have jumped from one guy to the other. Are you incapable of being alone?

[milly007]

You should be looking after yourself and doing what makes you happy.

 

Go out, date, have fun with EJ.

 

Don't let your ex control you.

 

Why are you allowing your ex to control your life anyway?

 

You will continue to be unhappy and miserable if you allow your ex to continue manipulating you and your life.

 

Cut him loose. Look after yourself. Otherwise, I have a feeling you'll look back on your life with regret.

 

We only go this way once.

[Danish]

I do feel honestly I can be happy alone. I've had periods where my ex has just been gone. And when I think back on those periods I had peace. I was able to really focus on me. Then boom he's back and chaos erupts. I think I've always been a perfectionist. Willing things to turn out the way I want. And I 've been trying to do that within my marriage and it's caused me to stay attached to something that can't be fixed for too long. I thought about it after posting this. It's me. I keep pouring into fixing this mess instead of just letting it go. Letting go is scary because I don't know what is next, whereas I know this mess. But my mom said if you stay in a pile of ish too long it stops stinking. Which means it becomes the norm. This can't be my norm. I have to do something. Just gotta figure the first steps.

[Liraele]

You've got to stop this nonsense, and stop it now. Would you want one of your children to put up with a relationship like this? (No. We both know the answer to that.)

 

He's continuing to be emotionally abusive, and wildly successful at it, because you're allowing him too many liberties with your life.

 

Stop letting him have visitation in your home. It is your home, not his, and going through your things is an extreme violation of privacy.

Any time he starts in with the verbal abuse, tell him to stop. If he doesn't stop, hang up/leave/remove yourself (and the children) from the situation.

Get a restraining order if necessary.

 

If he does anything over voicemail/email/text - SAVE IT. It's proof that will stand up in court that things are NOT working and a divorce should be granted.