My wife is suffering from panic attacks and I can't calm her down

[Iwish]

Hi,

 

I have been struggling with issues of jealousy as of recent. They seem to pop up every few years, usually when I'm having a very low period and usually coincides with my wife making a new friend.

 

Recently, I have had major insecurity issues and have very low self worth. My wife has also recently made a new friend at work who seems to be perfect for her (we are a lesbian couple but she is bisexual) he is very articulate, interesting, can chat with her for hours, is "posh," and seems to be able to help her every time she's down or troubled. Right now I seem to be exactly the opposite of all of the above.

 

She reassures me that she loves me, but due to my jealousy I am pushing her away and just constantly comparing myself to him and can't seem to break the cycle. Whenever we argue, there has been times that she has walked out of the house to phone him to discuss the argument with him and gotten advice from him. Sometimes it is the same advice that I have given but she hasn't taken from me, rather from him. She has told him how I feel about him (i.e my jealousy) and I met him once which was extremely hard to do as I was extremely embarrassed about the jealousy issue I have and felt rather betrayed. He seemed like a nice guy.

 

I guess I just feel like I am being replaced in ways such as her advisor, her go to person, the person who makes her laugh the most, the person she confides in, the person who can talk for hours with her.

 

Recently, she has been suffering with panic attacks due to issues at her work (he works there too) and she had one this morning. I tried my hardest to help her and I couldn't enough. I advised she phoned her friend as she seems to every other time and I am trying to make myself be ok with it and normalise it. She made comment that "***** can usually help me" and so she left the room to phone him.

 

I just felt useless as I always do. I am awaiting CBT and have recently changed my meds to try and help me with such issues. I drive myself crazy with the thoughts of "what if" and am clearly driving her away. Which of course is not what I want to do. I am petrefied of being made a fool of and being hurt. I feel that I am getting better with the whole thing but today I just felt extremely upset that I couldn't help her but he could.

 

Is this normal to feel upset that I can't help being her wife and all? Anyone have any tips/advice to help me out?

 

Thank you in advance.

 

X

[jerbare1959]

It’s been my experience that this type of behavior be dealt with in this way-

If y’all are a true couple - she should be caring about how this hurts you and quit it. Going out of the room- a dead give away. Put your foot down-

If she loves you- she will include you or terminate you. If it’s just a new friend - that should be easy to let go of for her - if she refuses - you have a bigger problem.

[1a1a]

I would be upset by this too. It’s a really tricky situation as it wouldn’t be reasonable to ask her to talk to her friend less, but she’s also cutting you out by making him her confidant. I recommend couples counselling (sounds like you already have solo counseling?)

 

If you request it and she’s dismissive that will be valuable information about how little she cares to maintain her connection with you

[Iwish]

There has been one occasion where she stayed in the room when she spoke to him at my request as I asked her to try and help me normalise him and the fact that he's her friend..I did at one point suspect cheating but I now know that it's my irrational thinking that's lead me to believe that. Doesn't stop the horrible thoughts creeping in though. She did at one point say that she would stop talking to him but I don't want to be that sort of person. I don't want to allow the jealousy to "win" and get what it wants. Also, I would feel controlling and I do not want to be that.

 

She has suggested we go to couples counselling which I think we will try. I just wish the thoughts would disappear and I could be ok with her texting him and phoning him.

 

I guess I just want to be able to be the one to help "fix" her or help her. I feel that as her wife, it is part of my duty and if I can't fulfil this then I am a failure. I need to work on my confidence. :(

[indea08]

I don't agree with your point of view, OP. She goes to him for advice about your marriage, she needs him when she's upset, she knows how it makes you feel but she chooses him anyways...by my definition, this is a full blown emotional affair. What's left to be special, between the two of you?? Basically just sex is what it sounds like. He's her emotional rescuer, she gets all of her emotional needs filled by him, what's your purpose to her?

 

You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. It's not insecurity, it's not jealousy. It's feeling like crap because your wife is having an emotional affair.

[Iwish]

Thanks for your response, I initially felt exactly that and so I ended up driving myself even more insane and pushing her away then being incredibly needy again. Mixed signals.

 

I questioned the fact that she was confiding in him a lot rather than me and she told me that he was just in the right place at the right time and that today for example when she had her panic attack, it was regarding her job and a certain member of staff who he knows well and so she felt he was able to help her with it.

 

I told her that I was upset with her discussing us with him and she said she stopped talking about us to him.

 

I don't want to control her or tell her who she can talk to and about what but I just feel a bit useless and just wish I had more confidence in myself to not give a damn. I don't want to push her away by constantly dragging all of this up and almost having a panic attack every time I hear his name. It's getting easier but I clearly need to work on it more.

 

I believe in self fulfilling prophecies and so I feel that I would push her into confiding in him more if I keep on being so wierd about it as she won't want to bother confiding in me due to my reaction to things/behaviour.

 

Insecurity sucks

[Iwish]

Well Indea, I hate to say it, but you were right. I have been avoiding coming back on here because I feel like an absolute fool. She tells me she had a crush on him. She still has "feelings" for him and has lied to me about meeting him on a few occasions eventhough she tells me there was nothing physical going on. She tells me that he represents "freedom" because he is the kind of guy who can just up and leave to go to any city he wishes. She now doesn't know what she wants. She said she never loved him, she liked the idea of him. She told him how she feels and he said he didn't feel the same and so they decided to ignore it. Or he did at least.

 

Now I am incredibly hurt and in despair as to what to do. I feel completely broken. I love her and I don't want to lose her but I feel taken for a complete fool and she made me feel as though it was all in my head.

 

I feel pathetic. I don't want to lose her. She doesn't know what she wants. She tells me she loves me but how can she when she doesn't know if she wants us and she has allowed such a thing to happen with someone? She has recently told him she isn't talking to him again.