I need some advice on what to do here.

[Omaewamou]

Alright, let's start with some context: I have been with my girlfriend ( let's call her D) for about 2.5 years now. Started dating when I was in uni and now I've graduated and she's moved across the country to be with me. Before we started dating there was another girl (let's call her P) I had a crush on but she was in a relationship (keep this in mind, it may be important based on your view), this crush never went away.

 

Moving on, ever since D and I started dating every now and then we've had fights (just like every couple) except they have mainly been about my past relationships and some specific details about me. We managed to work through them and get things dealt with (at least I thought so). Fast forward to now, that problem of fighting has not gotten any better, in fact it's gotten worse. We now have a large argument pretty much on a weekly basis. It can start off simple, but most of the time it ends up coming back to my job (military), that I don't really talk about my feelings (i will admit that it's a problem, but I've also never really talked much about them and told D about this before we started dating), or about how I don't understand what she's going through.

 

On top of this I've been getting this sense that we don't really connect that well anymore. I mean we still do things that we both like, such as go to the movies, restaurants, etc. However, D isn't really into the things I like to do on my own time (video games, fantasy novels, workout). D has her own interests, but they also aren't really mine (she likes celebrity gossip, actors and actresses, talking about movies and TV shows)

On another note, her aspirations are basically non-existent, albeit I can chalk that one due to her circumstances (not really willing to give away any of this information), but suffice to say it's not going to the best. D is almost impossible to plan anything to do with because she lives day-by-day.

 

Circling this back around to what I said might be important in the beginning (about the other girl), a couple of months back her and her boyfriend broke up. P is basically the female version of me, with a little bit more expressiveness. She likes a lot of the same things as me, does a lot of the same things as me, we also went to school together and have been friends for about three years, and she has similar aspirations in life. Now this might not seem like a problem, or even related, but I've noticed recently that I've been starting to think a lot more about this girl. I dream about her, she is constantly on my mind and whenever I'm around her (I work with her but also see her at the gym often and we're on the same course right now) I can't help but watch what she does and think about what everything could be like with her.

 

Before anyone gets into the phrase of "grass is green on the other side", I'm well aware of the fact that how I see P right now is likely not how I would see her if I was in a relationship with her. Nor am I saying "Well jeez, I need to leave D and go be with P".

 

I'm just looking for some honest advice and an opinion about the situation. I know that there is obviously a lot more information I could put in here, but to save people from having to read for an hour just to get to the end of the post, I figured I would leave it out (unless specifically asked for it).

 

Anyway...

 

Any advice would be appreciated

 

Note: Please don't tell me "don't cheat on D" I'm not going to do that. I've had it happen to myself in the past and I made a promise to myself that I would never do it.

[DanZee]

Well, from the information you've given, you should break up with your current girlfriend and start dating this other girl.

 

However, you seem to skip over the parts of the story that might make you look bad. For example, the arguments are a clear sign that there's something wrong with a relationship, but you just toss it off with "just like every couple." Well, every couple that's arguing has something seriously wrong with the relationship. Arguments are about power. One person is trying to impose their will on the other. I'm willing to bet that that the fights contain information about what's wrong with the relationship and you don't really want to talk about it. Who says what and how they react says a lot.

 

Your comments about lacking the same interests seem to suggest that you may not be paying her enough attention. You're playing your video games, reading books and working out and she's really grumbling about you ignoring her. In a relationship you do have to give that other person a good deal of your time every day. I'm guessing the fights about your past relationships are really about how you treated those other girls in comparison to the way you're treating her now.

 

The whole point about you're not talking about your feelings grow out of you not showing her enough affection. I'm not talking about just having sex with her a couple of times a week, but women want to know that you love them, and if you're working, working out, reading and playing video games, you're not "with" her, even if she's in the same apartment.

 

Again, you skipped over the aspiration part. I doubt she totally lacks aspirations. Getting married, settling down and having children is always an admirable aspiration if that's what she wants.

 

You know, relationships do require investments in time and energy. They don't just happen all by themselves. A little time and love and do wonders in one. There's not enough time in the world to do all the things you want to do in life, but my advice is to spend a little more time in your relationship and less time in playing video games and whatever else you do.

[TheRawTruth]

Ask yourself the following questions. Or better yet, I'll ask you, and you can answer.

 

Why are you with D?

Do you see a real future with D?

Do you see things improving at all?

Is P aware of your crush on her?

Do you love D?

Even if you DID break up with D, would P be with you?

 

These are things you should think about before doing anything. I would also ask D (the next time she complains about how you are) "Then D, why are you with me? Seriously. You say I never discuss my feelings, my job is always getting in the way, etc. Why are you still with me if you aren't happy?" If she says "Because I love you" or "I'm hoping things will get better", say "OK. Let's focus on THAT then instead of fighting all the time. If we love each other, let's act like it instead of always finding something to be mad about. That's the only way our relationship is going to survive."

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you and D are incompatible. Does she live with you? Can she move back to her hometown? This has nothing to do with your crush, just settling too soon and to young with someone you have nothing in common with and are growing resentful and contemptuous of. Do the right thing and be honest with D that it's not working so she can get on with her life rather than be strung along by your indecision and living in a fantasy romance with your crush.

Nor am I saying "Well jeez, I need to leave D and go be with P".

[Omaewamou]

Well, from the information you've given, you should break up with your current girlfriend and start dating this other girl.

 

However, you seem to skip over the parts of the story that might make you look bad. For example, the arguments are a clear sign that there's something wrong with a relationship, but you just toss it off with "just like every couple." Well, every couple that's arguing has something seriously wrong with the relationship. Arguments are about power. One person is trying to impose their will on the other. I'm willing to bet that that the fights contain information about what's wrong with the relationship and you don't really want to talk about it. Who says what and how they react says a lot.

 

Your comments about lacking the same interests seem to suggest that you may not be paying her enough attention. You're playing your video games, reading books and working out and she's really grumbling about you ignoring her. In a relationship you do have to give that other person a good deal of your time every day. I'm guessing the fights about your past relationships are really about how you treated those other girls in comparison to the way you're treating her now.

 

The whole point about you're not talking about your feelings grow out of you not showing her enough affection. I'm not talking about just having sex with her a couple of times a week, but women want to know that you love them, and if you're working, working out, reading and playing video games, you're not "with" her, even if she's in the same apartment.

 

Again, you skipped over the aspiration part. I doubt she totally lacks aspirations. Getting married, settling down and having children is always an admirable aspiration if that's what she wants.

 

You know, relationships do require investments in time and energy. They don't just happen all by themselves. A little time and love and do wonders in one. There's not enough time in the world to do all the things you want to do in life, but my advice is to spend a little more time in your relationship and less time in playing video games and whatever else you do.

 

I see what you're saying here, so I'll add some more info regarding this.

First of all, about myself a bit: I'm 23, studied engineering at uni, currently work in the military, and am male. She isn't my first girlfriend, however I am her first boyfriend. I've been in the military for about 5 years now.

So problems I know I have with myself: Condescending, I come across as arrogant, I don't really express myself, and I blame myself for pretty much everything even if I had nothing to do with it. I also don't find it easy to make a decision when it comes to how I feel.

Sure I will agree that arguments can be about power, however I can't say that they always are. You could be right though, D is 5 years older than me and spent a couple years living on her own before we moved across the country together. Those fights about past relationships are typically one of three things: one - I apparently treated them like a queen (not something I've ever done), but treat her just like a friend or a friend with benefits, two - She seems to be of the belief that I would do literally anything they asked me, but wouldn't take out the trash for her (something she seems to only believe when we have these arguments - I can't say much beyond that), three - I've had more experience in a relationship so I should know better, although this should technically be true, it isn't really since the first one was when i was 13, second when i was 14, and the third ended with me doing little more than questioning pretty much every decision I make

 

Moving on, I have both asked directly, and hinted at the idea that maybe I'm not spending enough time with her, but she tells me that isn't it. I spend a fairly large amount of time with her (watching movies, playing a board game, just talking about life in general) pretty much every day. Unless she is failing to tell the truth about this, I am going to believe her (I also don't know when to question what someone tells me - I've never been good at reading how people really feel). Those activities I do are, with the exception of video games, done during lunch or a break at work, or immediately after work.

 

Okay you're right about the aspiration part, she does want to get married, settle down, and have kids. But from what she's told me it doesn't go beyond that. She hasn't brought it up in any conversations, and has never answered my questions about what she thinks she would like to do. I can't say I'm much better as I don't really know everything I want out of life, whether I want to stay in or find a new job at the end of my contract or whatever, where I would like to live, etc.

 

I will admit that I am by no means a perfect boyfriend, nor am I a particularly amazing person. I try to do what I think is right, and try to avoid being spiteful towards others. I'll think about what you said though, since it has given me some things to think about myself.

[Omaewamou]

Ask yourself the following questions. Or better yet, I'll ask you, and you can answer.

 

Why are you with D?

Do you see a real future with D?

Do you see things improving at all?

Is P aware of your crush on her?

Do you love D?

Even if you DID break up with D, would P be with you?

 

These are things you should think about before doing anything. I would also ask D (the next time she complains about how you are) "Then D, why are you with me? Seriously. You say I never discuss my feelings, my job is always getting in the way, etc. Why are you still with me if you aren't happy?" If she says "Because I love you" or "I'm hoping things will get better", say "OK. Let's focus on THAT then instead of fighting all the time. If we love each other, let's act like it instead of always finding something to be mad about. That's the only way our relationship is going to survive."

 

Why am I with D?

Good question, originally we started dating about two weeks after we first met and it was going well. I've enjoyed a large portion of my time spent with her, and think that she really is a caring and warm-hearted person. This is not to say that she does not have flaws, just like everyone else (myself especially in my own opinion)

 

Do I see a real future with D?

It's hard to say at this point.. as more of the most recent arguments have ended with her telling me that she no longer sees a future with me, that she doesn't want to be together, or that she thinks I deserve someone better. As much as I tell her that it isn't true, and that there is still something there for both of us, it just seems to get worse every time we have an argument.

 

Do I see things improving?

To be brutally honest.... no. I don't, we've been trying to improve for the last year, have spent a lot more time talking about us, talking about problems that we have, but it often comes back down to my lack of expression with regards to how I feel. It's entirely possible that it could get better, but I'm not sure how, and that's part of the reason I'm asking for advice on this situation - to see if anyone else has any good ideas that might help me have some sort of epiphany and realize what we can do, or even just a nudge in the right direction.

 

Is P aware of my crush on her?

I haven't told her directly if that's what you mean, aside from that she may have realized it but I can't be certain.

 

Do I love D?

Yes, I do. If there's only one thing I've learned it's that if we really do want something with someone then we need to accept their flaws as well as their vices.

 

Even if I DID break up with D, would P be with me?

Great question, no clue. I'm not sure how she feels about me, nor am I sure that I would want to move on to being with another person anytime soon if I were to end it with D. That's the best answer I have.

 

As to your last point about asking her those question honestly.... that's a good idea. I know it seems ridiculous that after three relationships I wouldn't think of those, but i've spent most of my time in school studying engineering. I've learned to think through a problem with logic not emotion and to be honest it hasn't done me any good deeds thinking like that. I've been trying to change recently so I can at least somewhat think using emotions and feelings but it's not easy and I have no idea how to change it (not to mention if I ask her about it she tells me I shouldn't change it)

 

Anyway... thanks for the advice, i'll take some time to think on all of this.

[Omaewamou]

Unfortunately it sounds like you and D are incompatible. Does she live with you? Can she move back to her hometown? This has nothing to do with your crush, just settling too soon and to young with someone you have nothing in common with and are growing resentful and contemptuous of. Do the right thing and be honest with D that it's not working so she can get on with her life rather than be strung along by your indecision and living in a fantasy romance with your crush.

 

The more I think about it, I'm starting to agree with you about her and I being incompatible. I know it might be the cowards way of looking at it, but it's starting to feel more and more that way. Yes she does live with me at the moment, and she could move back to her hometown, however I'm not sure if that's what she would do if her and I broke up. I'm not sure if I'm growing resentful of her, but when we started dating it felt like we had a lot more in common that we do. Looking at it now we have very little in common. I'm not sure what exactly to do here, but you may be right. It might be the best decision to let her go instead of having to deal with me thinking about this other girl all the time and stringing her along..

 

I'll have to think hard on this one... I don't want to be rash and make stupid decisions, but I can't let this drag out forever.

[Last Gentleman]

Some people did crappy things in the past, not that you did but, if you get into a relationship with them knowingly and expect them to change for you, that's not going to happen and

if you weaponize the person's past in all the arguments to shame them, well you don't respect the person at all, it is very childish ! Past is past you get over it or you leave !

 

Men have different ways of expressing their feelings, I know that myself if I'm forced to do so I completely shut down, some get defensive or sad, again she knew this going in the

relationship and she regularly blames you for this, you should find a woman that can communicate with you on your level in a healthy manner !

 

There is nothing wrong with her wanting the family and stable life, but man you're 23 you don't seem to be there yet and her being 28, I can imagine she's hearing the clock ticking

so don't waste your and her time just end it, but at the same time do this because it is the right thing to do, not to expect having a relationship wit P right after, no one wants to be

a rebound or the escape card, take some time to process this loss first.

[Omaewamou]

Alright guys...

 

So I don't know who, if anyone, is reading this at this point. But anyway I've come to the decision that we need to break up. I know it isn't going to be particularly easy on either of us, but honestly this relationship isn't really going anywhere, I've noticed that we have many more differences than we do similarities, and for the past couple of weeks it seems like we've just been growing farther and farther apart. I've spent the last week doing little more than thinking about this. It's time to do it. Problem is, I've never done this before (other girlfriends I had all broke up with me), so I'm really outta the loop on how to go about this. I can't procrastinate forever on this though.. Regardless, I need to do this. Don't know how, don't know when, but i'm going to.

 

Thanks for your guys' insight on the matter. I appreciate it