Thoughts

[jparmyguy]

So a while back my first serious girlfriend/"first love" broke up with me(8 months). The relationship lasted for roughly 2.5 years, deep down I think I knew that the relationship was broken within the first 6 months but for whatever reason I still continued to pursue making it work. To sum it up looking back, my relationship with this girl was extremely unhealthy. The first few months were some of the best moments I ever had. I had a extremely good group of friends and I finally was able to get a girlfriend. I could not have been happier. (Probably should not have gotten into a serious relationship after only knowing a girl for a few weeks)

 

Anyways, fast forward as I started to get to know her, I realized that she belonged to a not so healthy family dynamic and ended up being a girl with a lot of walls up. Her mom ended up marrying a guy who raped my ex's aunt, and her dad was a big time drug dealer with a dope problem. Wanting to be a savior, I thought I could fix it, but instead it lead to a lot of fights. Anyways, 4 months into this relationship, this girl did not really favor attending any personal events with my family. She had skipped out on my birthday and Christmas party. This made me sort of upset and caused a some issues between us. Anyways, later down the line I had found out that she had been hung up on a kid she dated for a month 1.5 year and half before meeting me. This girl started showing her dishonest side prior as I found out that she would call me annoying and say various mean things about me behind my back, I confronted her and she tried to deny it but I forgave her. One day, I caught her looking up this kid on Facebook and I questioned her about it. She said she had accidentally clicked on it. I thought nothing of it but the next day when we were suppose to hang out she told me that she was staying after school. Something seemed off because this was a girl who hated school and hw, and would always ask me to do it for her. Long story short she had been hanging out with this ex of hers, and I came across some rather unpleasant conversations along the lines of lying in bed together. to this day I really do not know if they did anything together and I know for a fact that I would never know.

 

After hearing this I broke up with her. She cried and cried saying that it was mistake and that she had messed up. My friends told me to stay away from this girl. Given that I had very little experience with girls before her I decided to forgive her and took her back. This was a big mistake as it lead to a lot of nasty arguments, and learning that the only reason she did not leave me for this guy was because he did not feel the same way back. She tried to lie her way out of it even after I showed her the convo I had with her friends. Eventually, she let me read her phone and I saw everything word for word but She still denied it up until the day she left me, and probably still would to this day. Personally, At the time I didn't understand why every girl that I liked and now this girl that I loved always wanted another guy instead of me, so I thought I needed to try harder and stayed in the relationship.

 

After 6 months, things between us sort of got better however the lying continued and I sort of learned how to live with it. Eventually, due to issues with her family more fights broke out between us. I stupidly got into argument over text about her dad's bull as at the point I became fed up with the family. Her dad cohoarsed me on a drug deal and had been poking fun at me. Her family had been watching her text between us and was not happy that I was advising my ex to get out of her situation and live with one of her aunts. They accused me of brainwashing her and such, some her extended family members went on to say to her that I was not brainwashing her and to not listen to her immediate family. Most of the extend family did not like the dad as he put his children in dangerous situations. Regardless, this caused more problems.

 

Fast forwarded a week to our break up, I had heard from a friend that she had been going behind my back with another dude. Again due to complete dishonesty on her part, I had started restoring assuming guilty to proven innocent because in the past she would take advantage when I would say "is this true" as I would have evidence of the truth as a test and she would blatantly lie to my face. Anyways, stuff had became extremely unhealthy at this point. I had become extremely verbally hostile towards this girl as to my understanding a way to protect myself from further hurt. ( I am not proud of this behavior). Anyways, At this time I was attached to this girl for whatever reason and after talking to my friend prepared to start distancing myself from her so that I could break up.

 

She beat me to the punch and dumped me over a text message with no real explanation. I was ghosted for about a month as this was right before she went on vacation. For whatever reason I kept missing her and wanted to go back and ended up blaming everything on my self. Logically, I knew how bad everything had became but I think I was trapped in cycle that I was unaware how to break. The good times seemed so good as the bad times took over most of the relationship. Anyways, at the end of everything she moved on rather quickly and started dating new people after about a couple months. I was framed as by the bad guy in the relationship as most people never really knew the whole story. Her friends that would hate on me for saying don't hang out with the kid she was trying to cheat on me with were unaware that she was trying to cheat on me with him. They would say that I was mean about her family as they did not really know anything about the dad as they were a shady group of people. Which some people who knew of him warned me prior but for whatever reason I still continued to pursue it. Anyways, A select few people do not see me as the bad guy as they are aware of the complete story. I am aware that I did make mistake in the relationship that I am not proud of such as not really being there for her when her dad OD. I just could not bring myself to it after all the that was said to me and I did not want to around for it. Regardless, there is a lot more to the story and the girl I was with is not a bad girl at all. To my understanding, a lot of her behaviors derive from the way she was raised.(She was doing cocaine with the dad at 13) She was taught to not trust anyone and to lie to everyone except the immediate family. I feel extremely bad for the situation she is in but understand that me trying to help probably was not the best Idea and our relationship should have ended way before it did. She wants someone who can accept her dad for who he is and I do hope that she finds that person one day. From what I heard, the dad is now dating a 17 year old girl. The mother tried coming to me about it, but I shut her down as It is not my problem anymore.

 

 

Fast forward to the present and I feel rather lost in life. I want to say I am over or at least nearly over my ex. She had originally wanted to be friends and still "hook up", but given my emotional state at the time I rejected not to mention I felt like she was going to try and use me. (She would ask me to like fix her computer, and help her with school). There are no more feelings felt when I see pictures of her or any desire to be with her. (A couple pits in my stomach when I heard about her being a party girl bouncing from guy to guy, however that only happened 3 months ago). I would see her in the morning at school up until last semester, however, I have not seen her since. Honestly looking back I really do not know what got me so hooked on her. At the time I really had no criteria and I think in a way got caught up in our love story. Anyways, given that this relationship consumed my life, I found myself loosing a lot of my friends as so much time was involved in her. I also lost sight of any prior goals that I had, as I got caught up in my fairytale thinking everything would be just fine and I would marry my high school sweet heart. I have tried talking to other girls but have lost any motivation to do so. Back in high school, I always was thrilled to go make moves on a "girl" but now that has ceased. I even hooked up with a few but did not really peak my interest as I have tried every possible sexual fantasy with my ex. (She was also better looking, than both the girls I hooked up with.) Given my lack of drive on pursuing other girls, I think I have come to realization due to my unhappy relationship I might be turned off from them in the future. Anyways, I tried pursuing some goals that I had set forth prior. One in particular was joining the marine corps reserve, my ship date is a few months off but I am really looking forward to it, however in the mean time I find myself extremely bored. This is probably because I have little to no social life. Of my remaining friend group, one goes to college about a couple hours away so it is hard to get in touch, the other is like how I was and attached to his girlfriends hip, and the other has started to develop some serious drug problems. Due to the fact that I am at a community college(So that I would be close to my ex, when we were together at the time) there really is not the ability to make new friends. I don't necessarily fell alone anymore but am rather bored as my life consist of school work gym hw and repeat. Probably one Saturday a month Ill go out, the rest are spent playing video games. (I think part of the reason I had missed my ex for a while was because I missed having social interaction.)

Regardless, I still feel lost/directionless in life and feel, I'm 21 and would like to be having "fun" but it seems as if everything is just stress nowadays but I guess that's part of growing up, having bills, and setting ones self career. Anyways, curious on any thoughts you guys might have.

[DanZee]

Well, at your age, a lot of relationships won't lead anywhere. The whole point of dating is to see if you're compatible with the person you're dating. I think the point about the girl you wrote about is that you found out you're not compatible with her for a large number of reasons. You may still love her, but your rational mind knows that the situation is just impossible with her cheating and her family. You have to recover your self confidence. Get out of the house. Walk around in the sun. Hang out with friends and relatives. Go places where there are people and strike up conversations with random folks. You need to improve your disposition. And when you go into the Marines, they will completely remake you into a much more confident, self-assured person.

[jparmyguy]

Well, at your age, a lot of relationships won't lead anywhere. The whole point of dating is to see if you're compatible with the person you're dating. I think the point about the girl you wrote about is that you found out you're not compatible with her for a large number of reasons. You may still love her, but your rational mind knows that the situation is just impossible with her cheating and her family. You have to recover your self confidence. Get out of the house. Walk around in the sun. Hang out with friends and relatives. Go places where there are people and strike up conversations with random folks. You need to improve your disposition. And when you go into the Marines, they will completely remake you into a much more confident, self-assured person.

 

Yeah I use to have a lot more confidence and I am trying to work on it back, but as I said I think my past took a toll on my mental health. These people would rail me for everything and make so many personal attacks for no reason what so ever. I could not even count on both hand how many physical threats were made against me. When it ended they would always say you can do so much better than him he is a piece of crap. Thinking about it now these people are so lucky that at the time I did whatever the daughter wanted and didn't take my own safety into my hands. (This guy waved a gun around me) Overall, the latter half of it was probably one of the worst years of my life, I never been filled with so much hate and rage. Anyways, I did do what you said and strike up random conversation with people, I have never had a problem with and have been able to hold a conversation for a decent chunk of time. I tried to make new friends and let in the wrong people, this kid tried using me for my money and ended up being a little bit messed up in the head(Landed in Physh Ward). Honestly, given my experience with people I really do not trust anyone(This type of crap happens over and over again). Hanging out with my friends mean sitting down in a bedroom watching everyone do lines and never really doing anything else.

 

I have no one but to blame but myself because these were all choices of mine.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. This will straighten you out and introduce you to some goals and discipline as well as teach you to get some self respect and stop hanging out with all these losers.

I tried pursuing some goals that I had set forth prior. One in particular was joining the marine corps reserve, my ship date is a few months off but I am really looking forward to it

[jparmyguy]

Excellent. This will straighten you out and introduce you to some goals and discipline as well as teach you to get some self respect and stop hanging out with all these losers.

 

Yeah I know I may not have the best friend group in the world but they have been there for me for years. At least 2 of them have. Most of goals had revolved around the idea of her, I started to actually give a crap about school because at the time I thought hey I actually will have a future one day. This girl wants to marry me and eventually have kids with me. My problem I guess is I settle for whoever accepts me and in a way not knowing what I was getting into it was an escape from always being around drugs, however that ended up not being the case. Did I like constantly worrying about being cheated on or having to deal with a family like that..no but at the time at least she accepted me and didn't reject me like every other girl. I also put a lot of time and effort, I bought her sentimental stuff for Christmas such as barbecue sauce to remind her of The time I guessed her favorite stuff from McDonald's. I only got a blue sweatshirt but oh well. The girl prior to her that I started to fall for ended up banging some kid on the side the month and half we started to date.

Anyways hopefully it does teach me those things, and at least I got to experience love once not really something I see myself interested in the future.