The hardest thing

[Grinch2017]

I was beginning to accept things and then boom 💥 my colleague who was mutual friends with my ex tells me his new girlfriends name is Kate (I think what?!). Kate messaged him whilst we were together she's the ex before his last and my understanding was she put water in his face and bit herself at a party blaming him. So family didn't really get on with her per se. When she text he showed me and his cousin the text as if it was an achievement but Ross says he didn't message her for many months after (basically when we split possibly before after who knows).

 

When me and my ex broke up he used the didn't want to be in a relationship wanted to get smashed and if he did want a relationship it would be with me - turns out that was a lie 🙄.

 

It's taking everything out of me to function normally feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world 🌎. So many rubbish things have happened th last couple of months I'm struggling to cope it's rubbish. I'm trying to not let him break me but he's already given me herpes, sucked my confidence dry, treated me like a doormat, showed me I don't matter and frankly is not a decent person to me.

 

I've also got psoriasis and had it for a while when I get stressed! 🤦♂️ Which makes it uncomfortable to go to the gym. So Just feeling like with all my issues maybe I should have stayed in the relationship it honestly messes with your self esteem terribly I can't imagine being with someone else. What's even more upsetting is that boys/men always call me beautiful etc and I'm just like meh! I don't feel it! 😱 People say I should have so much confidence I just don't and it's so debilitating.

 

So hard living with some deep regrets !

Anyone any ideas I do CBT

[Cope]

I'm trying to not let him break me but he's already given me herpes, sucked my confidence dry, treated me like a doormat, showed me I don't matter and frankly is not a decent person to me.

 

So Just feeling like with all my issues maybe I should have stayed in the relationship it honestly messes with your self esteem terribly I can't imagine being with someone else.

 

No no no no dear, you are far better without him, You said it yourself, HE is the one that sucked away your confidence. Sometime we get used to the "abusers" and when they leave we are lost. Always remind yourself his bad sides when you start feeling lovey dovey towards him. He sounds like bad news.

 

It;s very good that you are in therapy, it makes a HUGE difference!

 

edit ot add: also, try to avoid mutual friends, if you can and even better, if you can tell them not to mention him, that'd be perfect! I know it's hard, but NC includes mutual friends, or at least it's a good idea. You don't need to know what's going on in his life right now.

[DanZee]

Cope is right. You have to rebuild your confidence and your self-esteem. You have to heal. If guys are telling you you're beautiful, then believe them! Most people overlook psoriasis and you can control herpes with Valtrex. When you start feeling more confident, the entire world will look different to you. Don't let Kate rock you. Apparently he liked being abused by his ex-girlfriend and he went back for more. They can both abuse each other. You deserve to find a nice guy who appreciates you.

[catfeeder]

I find it helpful to remind myself that nobody else can take away our self confidence or self esteem. The key word is 'self,' it's not BF confidence or BF esteem, and it's certainly not ex confidence or ex esteem.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds. Some people can seem to be a good match--until they're not. But self confidence is the stuff of allowing bad matches to pass early and trusting that grief is natural, and despite the pain, it will either pass in time and teach us something in hindsight, or we can choose to hold onto it and harm ourselves with it.

 

Nobody else can make that choice for us.

 

I'd consider forming a private goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous life for myself. It's your percentage play: it gives you something to aspire toward even while you feel lousy, it gives you a focus beyond some creep who doesn't deserve your headspace, and it will keep you busy creating good memories for those people in your life who you may have neglected during your relationship. This will move you forward and help you to feel valuable to others even while you can't enjoy much yourself at the moment, and it will lift you to higher ground where your perceptions will change more clearly in your own favor. From that place you'll either cross paths with ex again, or not. If so, you'll be better prepared to view him through the right lens, and if not, you'll become prepared to find love again on your own terms.

 

Either way, pushing forward beyond rumination is your best bet, and a goal of building resilience as a skill will serve you a thousandfold throughout your lifetime. And you will thank yourself later for the right choice today.

 

Head high.