Any advice? Sexual relations after break up ruining chance of getting back together

[Duderinoman]

So me and my ex were very very very much in deep love. The type of love that doesn't happen often in life. But she became emotionally abusive, and it broke me down so I left the relationship. Afterwards, she began therapy bc she knew she needed help (but I didn't know this bc we said goodbye). In the break up period, I had sexual relations with a woman that was giving me emotional support 2 months after the breakup. I felt terrible, lonely, and our sexual relationship was weird and bad and unfillfilling bc I still love my ex and me and my ex had the most AMAZING, connecting, loving, vulnerable sex ever - It was completely amazing. I told this woman that I couldn't have sex bc I was still in love with my ex, and after we hung out a couple of times, we stopped. I learned from that that I only wanted my ex still bc our sex was incredible and my heart was/is still hers. In that time, two other women texted me for sex and I never did it bc I only wanted my ex.

 

Eventually, me and my ex started talking again and got close and began talking about whether we could get back together -bc she's working hard on confronting her toxic behavior, and honestly she's really changing. She asked me (6 months after the breakup) if I had sex with anyone and I told her the truth - No sex, but sexual relations a couple of times with someone who was giving me emotional support, and that I wouldn't have sex with her, that we stopped, and that I learned I couldn't be with anyone else including the other two girls who just wanted fun sex. So after that I've done nothing. I felt like that would be painful to hear, but that she'd see that even after the abuse, I learned I only wanted her. And even after having opportunities, I only wanted her. And by telling her the truth, she'd know I am trustworthy.

 

But she just told me she was to broken hearted to hear what happened only 2 months after our relationship, that she can't trust me anymore, and that we can't get back together now. So we just said goodbye.

 

I know it's painful, but I feel like you can't judge someone for what they do in the break up period. It wasn't even a positive experience, I was lonely and depressed, and through that experience I learned I only wanted my ex and I didn't do anything else nor did I ever have sex. I feel like if you love someone, that's something you can work through. In fact, I thought she was having sex with someone and I worked through it without even saying it to her, but learned in the end she wasn't. But I didn't let that stop me from moving forward with her :(

 

I guess everyone is different. It sucks bc I really love her and now that's she's working on changing how she communicates, I thought maybe we could work it out and even maybe get married eventually...I feel pretty sad and broken hearted.

 

I guess there's no question here...I'm just venting bc I feel broken hearted.If you have any thoughts or advice...

[DaisyMayPorter]

So she was only emotionally abusive during part of the relationship? How long were you together and how long before she became that way? The real question is - do you think she is going to change? I think you know the answer.

[Imho]

She's hurt thinking two months was to soon for you to become involved with someone even though you were separated. The news is surprising to her. If she feels for you as you do for her she may just need time to deal with what you told her. Give her some time. It may work out. Good luck.

 

I couldn't help but add this.

 

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[Duderinoman]

Yes. It got worse towards the end. 1 year or more together. Normally I'd say people don't change unless they seek help, and she felt terrible for how she treated me and went to therapy on her own...So that made me believe she really could change.

[Duderinoman]

Thanks imho. I guess that's a good way to look at it. If she loves me like I love her, she might need time to process it.

[yatsue]

If you look at the situation from her perspective: you dumped her, had sexual relations shortly after with another woman, and now you want her back. It sounds pretty bad.

 

I know she was in the wrong during the relationship, you were single, and thus a free agent, but it honestly looks sleazy to do what you did. By no means that makes you a sleazy person, but like I said point blank, it looks sleazy because NOW you want her back after that happened. Like you had your fun and are going back to her for comfort (keep in mind I say this from an outside perspective and is not necessarily true).

 

Besides, I doubt she has made any good, lasting changes in the few months out of the relationship. I think you are going back out of familiarity rather than believing she has changed permanently. More time is needed for that.

 

When it comes down to it, she has every right to be put off by such actions, if it matters to her. Better luck next time judge.

[dundermiflin]

I don't think what you did was that bad. I think it's very decent that you were honest about it too. On the bright side, she's going to counseling; maybe they'll discuss the fact that you had some action, and either the counselor or her friends might help her forgive it. I would've forgiven it, especially with the love you both had for each other.

[Duderinoman]

Good to hear the potential worst side of what she could be thinking, although you miss some key points. When I said she broke me down, I wasn't exaggerating. I was really hurt and broken down by her actions, so "dumping" her is not what happened. I stayed there long as I could and left a toxic relationship, and there's a big difference. She forced me out even when I still loved her. She knows how much I love her, and she knew it then. And I wasn't asking for her back - we mutually grew closer and she eventually asked me when we begin discussing it, so i told the truth. And it happened not bc I was looking for fun, but bc this person was giving me emotional support after I felt very depressed.

 

Of course she has the right to feel whatever she wants. But the truth is I'm extremely trustworthy, never cheated on anyone, have a huge heart, and love her deeply. Just bc something happened in the break up time doesn't mean I'm sleazy...I'm a human being and learned from that I couldn't even have sex with anyone and that I only want and miss her. But, I can see that she could feel bad about it.

[Duderinoman]

Thanks dundermiflin!-haha I love the office. Thanks for making me smile.

 

Yeah I pretty much agree...I understand it being painful, but I would be able to forgive it...bc I thought she did the same and I did forgive her -even though I turned out to be wrong. But she's different and entitled to her feelings.

[yatsue]

Good to hear the potential worst side of what she could be thinking, although you miss some key points. When I said she broke me down, I wasn't exaggerating. I was really hurt and broken down by her actions, so "dumping" her is not what happened. I stayed there long as I could and left a toxic relationship, and there's a big difference. She forced me out even when I still loved her. She knows how much I love her, and she knew it then. And I wasn't asking for her back - we mutually grew closer and she eventually asked me when we begin discussing it, so i told the truth. And it happened not bc I was looking for fun, but bc this person was giving me emotional support after I felt very depressed.

 

Of course she has the right to feel whatever she wants. But the truth is I'm extremely trustworthy, never cheated on anyone, have a huge heart, and love her deeply. Just bc something happened in the break up time doesn't mean I'm sleazy...I'm a human being and learned from that I couldn't even have sex with anyone and that I only want and miss her. But, I can see that she could feel bad about it.

 

Yes, I understand you went through abuse and it was the best choice to leave the situation. While this wasn't a dumping, I was saying to look at it outside of your own perspective. She is very hurt from your actions and is adverse to continuing a relationship after knowing what happened. It is her choice and, unfortunately, a valid one.

 

However, I think you need to understand this relationship is a no go regardless. While she is entitled to feel bad for what you did as a free man, I believe it is always a bad idea for you to try to continue a relationship with her. Even though you do not see it, this was a blessing in disguise - her not continuing with you. Do not mistake it; while she has made progress towards being less abusive, it doesn't mean these are lasting changes yet. If you pursue a relationship with her again, it will undoubtedly resort to how it was for you.

 

What I'm trying to get at is you two are better off without each other. She needs to continue her progress with her own issues, and you need to find someone better who treats you right. She won't be that person for a long time. You won't find that person for a while, so I suggest it is better for your well being to move on and be by yourself until you find the right person for you.

[Duderinoman]

I hear your opinion and understand your perspective.

 

If she feels it's too much, I have to respect her regardless...And therein lies the validity - her feelings. Not anyone else's projection of right and wrong. I personally would be able to look past it, bc I DID look past it with her even though it turns out I was wrong. But everyone is different and has to respect their own feelings...including her.

 

In principle I agree with your other point. But plenty of married couples work to move past these types of complex emotional issues, and essentially, I love her enough that I'm willing to work on it with her like a marriage...If she's owning her stuff...which she seems to be thus far. That's my choice knowing I would be inviting extra complexity in my life, but I'm willing to explore it as long as there's genuine effort to communicate in healthy ways.

 

But that's moot anyways bc she's not interested. I'll survive!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Never devote yourself to a toxic person hoping for change. Perhaps review any of these masochistic tendencies to gain some insight.