Trying to be more than friends

[workingman]

Hi everyone. I have been thinking, searching, for an answer to my problem, or at least to understand it, but I wasn't able to do it alone. I can't talk about it with my friends or family, so I would appreciate it if someone offered an opinion on it. Even if it's not a complete answer it will surely help me overcome it.

 

I'm a young man in his 20s, and I'm interested in a slightly older woman. We are friends and we have known each other for a little more than a year now. We're good friends in a group of close friends.

 

I have been interested in her for some time, and acted on it. One of my biggest fears is regretting not doing anything.

 

So I tried my best to get closer to her and it kind of worked. We chat about how's her life and the things she likes. We exchange messages (although i always initiate it). We laugh and have similar personalities. I ask her frequently about her and get interested in her well-being (I don't know how much she's interested in mine, didn't give her a reason anyway). I know I'm obnoxious sometimes, sometimes wanting to be with her even though we're not in a relationship, or chatting with her frequently. But even like this she kindly got closer, knowing i was trying. She's the traditional type that seeks long committed relationships.

 

So good so far i guess. But I don't know if that's what she's looking for. I know she likes the type of relationships were both exchange swears without fear of hurting. I'm not really the kind of person that swears, even less to someone important to him. I don't even tell dirty jokes frequently, and she likes those a lot too. She has this with another friend, and frankly I'm not sure if he's interested in her. I'm inclined to think he is. He's another friend from the same group.

 

Even though I tried so hard to overcome my fears, I have come so far and I believe she already knows I'm interested in her, she doesn't look at me like that? Last time my friend told her to suck his , she stared a sec and said "no thank you" and made a joke about herself replying. That couldn't possible happen with me. Even though they don't share so much, he makes her laugh more and so. Last time she was worried about him, not that he had any problem. All this makes me feel sick. This at the same time I was trying to get closer to her.

 

If you're wondering why I don't just ask her out. It's because she's ending a relationship, and it might take a while, but I want to be with her when she's ready.

 

So I don't know what I should do. My biggest fears are both regretting doing anything and "losing" her to my friend. Should I just stop, even when I believe she already knows I'm interested? If not, what kind of strategy should I follow? Am I drowning in some problem I'm not aware of? Is she not for me (or am I not for her)?

[Wiseman2]

Without stepping up and asking her out on a one-on-one date, you are just buzzing in the friendzone.

[workingman]

Without stepping up and asking her out on a one-on-one date, you are just buzzing in the friendzone.

 

I dont think she can cheat, emotionally. Even when the relationsip is eending.

I asked her out once. Things happened and we somehow ended up going out in group by her choice. Also she made plans to go out in group another Day.

[Wiseman2]

If she has a bf then stay way back.

I dont think she can cheat, emotionally. Even when the relationsip is eending.

[workingman]

If she has a bf then stay way back.

 

Im still not sure why I should do that. My fear is regretting not doing anything. If I y can do something, I want to do it. That is, without her cheating. Is that even posible?

[workingman]

If she has a bf then stay way back.

 

I think you are right.

[AtitAgain]

Im still not sure why I should do that. My fear is regretting not doing anything. If I y can do something, I want to do it. That is, without her cheating. Is that even posible?

 

Okay, here is what you do. "Hey Ms. X - You know what I realized over time, is that we have a great time together, and I would love to do more of that. I get that you are in a tricky relationship spot right now, but if you wanna go out and have some fun, why don't you give me a call when you are free to do so?"

 

And then stop acting like a 14yr old girl, and hovering over her all the time and showering her with attention. To be honest, from what you said, I think that you have already been friendzoned without any chance of repair. Your best bet might be to go date other girls, build up your confidence and game, and then you might have a better chance with her or whoever, in the future.

[workingman]

Okay, here is what you do. "Hey Ms. X - You know what I realized over time, is that we have a great time together, and I would love to do more of that. I get that you are in a tricky relationship spot right now, but if you wanna go out and have some fun, why don't you give me a call when you are free to do so?"

 

And then stop acting like a 14yr old girl, and hovering over her all the time and showering her with attention. To be honest, from what you said, I think that you have already been friendzoned without any chance of repair. Your best bet might be to go date other girls, build up your confidence and game, and then you might have a better chance with her or whoever, in the future.

 

I really appreciate your thoughts on the matter. To be honest I think you're absolutely right. I lost it without realizing it and did a lot of foolish stuff. I don't have much confidence, and I have some bad memories of regret, so I lost control over my fears. The first thing you mention might not be a good idea, since we see each other quite frequently for different reasons, but I will take it in consideration. Now I feel kind of ashamed but can't really do anything about that.

 

Thank you for your replies. I feel that I understand my situation better now.

[DancingFool]

Look, if she is in a relationship, even if it's a bad one or ending or whatever, she is still not in an emotional place to date someone else. Most people will actually take a break between relationships to get their bearings, get rid of their baggage before they are truly open to someone else and in a healthy place to make a good partner. For as long as she continues to be with her bf, you need to stay away. Period.

 

The second issue is that you are in some imaginary competition with some other guy friend. There is no competition. Just because they banter differently doesn't mean a thing. You have no idea what this woman actually values in a man. Either you have it or you don't. You can't become someone else.

 

Basically, until/unless she actually becomes single and is ready to date, back off and chill out. If you can't be a genuine friend, then back away completely and go date someone who is actually available. This woman is not available, so all your thoughts, jealousies, fears are wasted.

[workingman]

Look, if she is in a relationship, even if it's a bad one or ending or whatever, she is still not in an emotional place to date someone else. Most people will actually take a break between relationships to get their bearings, get rid of their baggage before they are truly open to someone else and in a healthy place to make a good partner. For as long as she continues to be with her bf, you need to stay away. Period.

 

The second issue is that you are in some imaginary competition with some other guy friend. There is no competition. Just because they banter differently doesn't mean a thing. You have no idea what this woman actually values in a man. Either you have it or you don't. You can't become someone else.

 

Basically, until/unless she actually becomes single and is ready to date, back off and chill out. If you can't be a genuine friend, then back away completely and go date someone who is actually available. This woman is not available, so all your thoughts, jealousies, fears are wasted.

 

I have thought about all this before by myself. My resolution was to act on it, since I have been feeling something for some time. I had tried to ignore it but got tired, so I figured something might change if I tried. But in the end I lost it. So yeah, now that I look back you're right, and all that energy was wasted. I feel shame, but I regret nothing, she's a good girl that surely understands my position. Thank you for your reply. All the replies here help me realize all those things.

[DancingFool]

I have thought about all this before by myself. My resolution was to act on it, since I have been feeling something for some time. I had tried to ignore it but got tired, so I figured something might change if I tried. But in the end I lost it. So yeah, now that I look back you're right, and all that energy was wasted. I feel shame, but I regret nothing, she's a good girl that surely understands my position. Thank you for your reply. All the replies here help me realize all those things.

 

Why do you feel shame? There is no shame in developing feelings for someone even if they are unrequited. Also, it takes a lot of courage to speak up and let the person know how you feel. Give yourself some credit here. You've done nothing to feel ashamed about. The only thing is that unless/until she is available there is nothing more you can do and rather than putting your life on hold waiting, better that you try to move on and find someone who is available and interested in you.

[workingman]

Why do you feel shame?

 

I have tried so hard to overcome my fears so she can like me back. I have done a lot of things I never did with anyone. I thought I was getting closer to her, but in the end, all time along, she probably acted out of obligation. What I was perceiving as interest was nothing more than obligation because we are friends. That and seeing another person easily have what I wanted and more makes me feel so bad and wrong.

 

Since I posted the story here I have been trying to not show much interest in her, with a little hope that maybe she would feel at least weird after all (since she's quick to recognize that and ask what's wrong), and in the end we could talk things out. But as of now I don't believe that will ever happen and it's stressing me. I need some time alone so I can think things properly.