Immaturity at its finest?

[cinderellie]

I'll try to keep a long story short... My boyfriend and I had been together for 10 months before he broke things off. Things moved very quickly with us. He was fresh out of a long term relationship when I met him and within 3 weeks of dating, he told me he loved me. About a month later, he moved in to my apartment. We developed a deep connection and understanding while together. A strong emotional bond that I believed would help us get through the changes to come.

 

I was heading off to start my Masters and he was set to begin his PhD. We were going to different schools in different cities but we knew that we wanted to give long distance a shot. With only an hour between us we believed it would be doable. Our families were excited for us and gave a lot of encouragement. Right before leaving for school, we spent a blissful week at a cottage just the two of us. We spoke about our future (marriage, kids, dreams and goals) and planned when weekend visits would work. Everything was pretty damn great. I felt secure, loved and supported.

 

Once we moved in to our separate cities, things were still pretty damn great. We set up times to Skype everyday and had planned a visit after two weeks that would fall on his birthday. We were so excited to see each other again. He was describing how deeply he felt for me and how much he missed me more and more each day. Right before he was supposed to come visit, he suddenly got very sick. I told him not to worry if he couldn't travel because we had a family wedding to attend the next weekend. I could see him then. But I never received a text back. He instead Skyped me at our scheduled time and as he was wrapped in a blanket, hiding his face from the screen in darkness, sobbing, he told me we needed to go our separate ways.

 

I was shocked. There were no indications that he had been feeling differently about the way things were going but clearly something had changed. He said he was scared of us becoming too distant. His PhD was already proving to be more work than he expected and he was completely overwhelmed. He had never lived alone, never been in such a big city and he put so much pressure on himself to be the absolute best in his program. I was worried that he was experiencing a breakdown. He has a long history of severe anxiety issues and it was clear he wasn't thinking straight. His speech was quick, he was very emotional and kept saying that I didn't deserve a relationship with someone who couldn't show up and be fully present. I asked if I could come see him but he told me that he just wanted to be alone. So I gave him some space.

 

After a week of no contact, he texted me saying he would not be able to come pick up his things because he was afraid that it would hurt me too much to see him. About a month later, he gives me a call. His voice was measured and icy. He begins to tell me that he's seeing someone new and its very serious. She is an upper year PhD student in his program and she likes to "experience life." Confused and hurt I asked him why he was able to move on so quickly. He tells me that there were "central issues" in our relationship. He says he knew I wasn't supportive of his habits when I recently declined to lend him money to pay off his late credit card bills. To give some context, he is a spender and I am a saver. He is racking up $100,000 in student debt (with no plans to pay it off) while I have none. It seems he believed that having zero debt meant I was sitting on a pile of cash I could readily give him... He also believed that we were too comfortable, too close with one another, too much like best friends. Meanwhile, that's something he always said that he loved about us. I asked about the very loving and caring messages he had left me just days before the break up and he claimed he did not recall sending them. I asked when he could pick up his things and he claimed to have never left anything with me.

 

The next day I find out his new girlfriend has blocked me on social media (without ever having spoken to me), she had been getting friendly with his sister on Facebook for a few weeks (without my ex even knowing), and for the cherry on top, she was VERY recently divorced (about two months out of a six year relationship). Flashing forward to present day, I've just found out that they're spending the holidays in Italy together. My ex is posting photos on social media, something he has never done until this point, and their new life looks picture perfect. So much for his crippling student debt...

 

I'm just not sure what to think. After speaking with his friends, I've learned that he's NEVER been single. For 11 years he's been in and out of rather serious relationships, seemingly falling hard for the girls he's with and then quickly changing his mind only to claim that any issues stemmed from them. With all of the evidence that I've laid out here, I'm assuming he is incredibly immature? He needs a girlfriend to be constantly by his side and since I couldn't be for the next two years, he picked out the most convenient candidate. What do you think?

[DanZee]

What do I think? He used you. Forget about all the gooey stuff he said to you, the warning signs were trying to borrow money off of you and saying that he didn't deserve a relationship with you -- a sign he had already slept with this other woman. I doubt HE had a deep connection with you. When you didn't lend him money he was done with you. You were tricked. When someone is telling you he loves you after 3 weeks, and he's excessively lovey-dovey, and moves in with you after only a month, he knew what he wanted. He needed somewhere to live and some quick cash! Also living an hour away is not a long distance. Just about everyone I dated lived about an hour away.

 

Instead of being confused you should be angry. You were used by a con artist. Don't even give him a second thought. Cut him out of your life and move on. There are nice guys out there, just be a little patient in your future relationships and find out about the guy's background before moving in with one.

[MeiLa]

What do I think? You were used point blank period. I seriously doubt this man was ever serious about you. You placed yourself in a position to be used. You didn’t exercise good judgment. Moving someone in after a month. I love you in three weeks? He said what he needed to say to get what he wanted. When you refused the credit card bills, he was done.

 

The “immaturity at its finest” works both ways. You allowed yourself to get played. He found a sucker and he licked it. Bottom line.

 

The fact that you wrote a whole essay on this guy shows you don’t get it. Move on!

[MeiLa]

What do I think? He used you. Forget about all the gooey stuff he said to you, the warning signs were trying to borrow money off of you and saying that he didn't deserve a relationship with you -- a sign he had already slept with this other woman. I doubt HE had a deep connection with you. When you didn't lend him money he was done with you. You were tricked. When someone is telling you he loves you after 3 weeks, and he's excessively lovey-dovey, and moves in with you after only a month, he knew what he wanted. He needed somewhere to live and some quick cash! Also living an hour away is not a long distance. Just about everyone I dated lived about an hour away.

 

Instead of being confused you should be angry. You were used by a con artist. Don't even give him a second thought. Cut him out of your life and move on. There are nice guys out there, just be a little patient in your future relationships and find out about the guy's background before moving in with one.

 

I have to agree with you on this. The fact that she says he denied saying things sounds like GASLIGHTING.

[boltnrun]

He's doing the same things with her that he was doing with you. Going way too fast way too soon. His behavior shouldn't surprise you because he did the same thing with you.

 

Difference seems to be she can afford to and is willing to finance him.

 

Next time use more caution. Do not make major decisions while in the throes of excitement and infatuation that are typical in the beginning. That is not reality and cannot be the basis for a lasting relationship.