Felling a bit conflicted about something that happened recently...

[bpsekh]

Hello all, I haven't posted here in a long time, but I recently found myself in a bit of a situation which is awkward to say the least. There's also a lot of feelings on my part, so keep in mind I might not be a 100% reliable narrator. That being said, there's a bit of a story.

 

I moved to a new town in August 2017 to start a new job. I met a co-worker who I found to be attractive and we started talking at work. Eventually, we start going out, but before long I find that she's married. That said, we started to spend time together on and off, but more as friends than before. During this time, we'd vent about our lives together, and sometimes she'd buy me a gift as a friend (small things like chocolates, coffee mugs, ties, aftershave, etc.). She would sometimes even invite me to her place, but I thought that would be going too far, so I declined.

 

Later in the relationship, about November, she starts asking if another colleague, let's call him Joe, can come along on our little get-togethers. The first time I said it was fine, but then I noticed she would start to cancel if Joe wasn't available. That should have been a red flag, but I went on a few more meetups with them before I decided to stop.

 

Now it seems that Joe and my female co-worker are in a relationship, despite the fact that the latter is still married.

 

That's the situation, to the best that I am able to tell it from my perspective. My thoughts:

 

• I felt bad about seeing a married woman, so I decided to be just friends. Even when the opportunity came up (as she seemed to be dropping hints) I tried to de-escalate and back away.
  
• I feel like in the end, my co-worker used me to get close to someone else.
  
• I used to be close friends with both of them, but the awkwardness knowing what's going on between them makes it hard for me to see them in the same way.
  
• I must admit I do still feel a bit attracted to my co-worker, and even a bit jealous of Joe; the messed-up part of me says that it could have been me rather than him.
  
• I feel that people would blame me if I knew something and didn't say anything.
  

 

Any advice? I feel that the best thing to do is to take a break from them for a while. But I don't want to make it about me, and I don't want to seem bitter.

[Starlight925]

Advice? Yes, be glad she chose the other guy.

 

This woman is horrible. Married, yet flirting with you, buying you gifts, and then, asks about the other guy, and ends up in a relationship with him.

 

The word I'd like to use would be censored here, so I'll leave it at that.

[IAmFCA]

Back away from the smoldering pile of trash before it bursts into flame?

 

Your instincts are on point. You've chosen your friends wisely, or rather, unchosen them. Continue to be pleasant but not effusive, steer clear, and slowly form new alliances.

 

please note: as the new person in town, she separated you from the bunch instead of helping you make more friends. that was a red flag. At work, be aware of people who try to claim you. it's rarely if ever good.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Be so happy she chose this other guy and move on! She had not just one affair but two! Does anyone have a moral compass in this situation?

[bpsekh]

Be so happy she chose this other guy and move on! She had not just one affair but two! Does anyone have a moral compass in this situation?

 

Come to think of it, I might just be the last sane person around here. Our Branch President who has a wife back in his own country is having an affair with one of the employees.

 

Am I a bad person that I didn't call it off earlier, and kept seeing her (although we never had any physical contact) and accepting gifts even after I knew she was married? I even said years ago that one shouldn't accept presents from married people of the opposite sex unless their partner knew about it or if it was in some sort of formal capacity. But I broke my own rule, I guess.

 

Am I crazy for still feeling a bit jealous?

[IAmFCA]

Come to think of it, I might just be the last sane person around here. Our Branch President who has a wife back in his own country is having an affair with one of the employees.

 

Am I a bad person that I didn't call it off earlier, and kept seeing her (although we never had any physical contact) and accepting gifts even after I knew she was married? I even said years ago that one shouldn't accept presents from married people of the opposite sex unless their partner knew about it or if it was in some sort of formal capacity. But I broke my own rule, I guess.

 

Am I crazy for still feeling a bit jealous?

 

You're learning your values by texting your limits.

[bpsekh]

You're learning your values by texting your limits.

I suppose I flew too close to the sun and got burned this time. Joe was also a good friend of mine prior to all of this.

[IAmFCA]

I suppose I flew too close to the sun and got burned this time. Joe was also a good friend of mine prior to all of this.

 

That hurts, and I'm sorry. I think you've just discovered two truths -1) values matter, even quaint old fashioned ones that many seem to violate; and 2) we all make mistakes. Sometimes, the kindest thing to do is give our friends room to err in private. We don't judge ourselves, and we don't judge others, because in a different moment, we will be the one who goofs. Whats to judge, since we all are flawed?

 

Behaviors are skills. Observe others and your own and use your judgment. You can still be friends, or friendly, if you feel like it. For now, Joe has left the friend zone with you in pursuit of selfish interests.

 

Forgive, refocus your attention elsewhere. Do not speak of either one.

[catfeeder]

Any advice? I feel that the best thing to do is to take a break from them for a while. But I don't want to make it about me, and I don't want to seem bitter.

 

I'd be kind whenever your paths cross, but I'd stop mixing my social life with my work life. It's good to learn this early. It doesn't mean you can't be friendly with coworkers, it just means that you won't treat your workplace like a dating pool or an extension of college life.

 

Colleagues can be great teammates or they can be neutral--but once you cross into more intimate territory, you set yourself up for emotional messes that can contaminate every. single. workday. for the duration.

 

I'd skip that and shoot for professionalism. You'll thank yourself later.

[bpsekh]

I'd be kind whenever your paths cross, but I'd stop mixing my social life with my work life. It's good to learn this early. It doesn't mean you can't be friendly with coworkers, it just means that you won't treat your workplace like a dating pool or an extension of college life.

 

Colleagues can be great teammates or they can be neutral--but once you cross into more intimate territory, you set yourself up for emotional messes that can contaminate every. single. workday. for the duration.

 

I'd skip that and shoot for professionalism. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Yeah I've been working for some time now and I've always tried to do this. Sometimes my emotions/baser instincts have been getting the worst of me. I had been going through a rough spell with basically being single for two and a half years, and I guess I didn't think things through.

 

That being said, it sort of creeps me out when I saw other employees treating the place like Vegas (I'm not talking about "Joe") here, but rather other people without any reprecussions whatsoever.

[catfeeder]

Yeah I've been working for some time now and I've always tried to do this. Sometimes my emotions/baser instincts have been getting the worst of me. I had been going through a rough spell with basically being single for two and a half years, and I guess I didn't think things through.

 

That being said, it sort of creeps me out when I saw other employees treating the place like Vegas (I'm not talking about "Joe") here, but rather other people without any reprecussions whatsoever.

 

Keep your eyes on your own paper. Use the Internet to find meetup groups, hobbies, classes--any other means to conduct your social life outside of the company you work for. A good mantra to adopt is, "My job is NOT a therapeutic environment, it's a professional one." This prompts me to frame every interaction as one where I'll live up to my own personal best, and it keeps me focused on my OWN development. Others will either sink or swim of their own accord--I'm not interested in playing social worker or engaging in gossip. This has served me well, and you'll thank yourself when you can recognize how well it serves you, too.

 

Head high.

[Imho]

Keep your distance and be glad that you did not get involved with her. She is cheating on her husband and invited you to their shared home. She is not someone with whom you should invest any time or attention. I don't think she used you to get to Joe. I think you have more morals than Joe and she was looking for someone whose lack of morals lined up with hers. Good Riddance. You deserve better.

[bpsekh]

Keep your distance and be glad that you did not get involved with her. She is cheating on her husband and invited you to their shared home. She is not someone with whom you should invest any time or attention. I don't think she used you to get to Joe. I think you have more morals than Joe and she was looking for someone whose lack of morals lined up with hers. Good Riddance. You deserve better.

 

Thanks. This really helped! I mean I just felt a bit lead on I guess, but I suppose in the end it's good that nothing serious came of it. I did my part by voicing my concerns (for example refusing the last few gifts, and suggesting that she spend the money and effort in patching things up at home), and I'm going to say that my responsibilities end there.