just posting again about what's going on

[saku]

this may not make sense but i'll try to say this anyway. there's this bible study thing at my school i go to...i used to go to. anyway, the girl that runs the bible study talks to me every tuesday even though i don't go to the meetings anymore. when i talked to her this week, i held back my pain and didn't want to talk about it. later that night, i called her and left a message and told her of my plan to end my life in two months. she called me but i didn't answer and she came over to where i lived. i felt bad and regret telling her how much i hurt. next week is the last time i see her and i am going to tell her to not worry about me...forget i ever existed. i've been crying alot since i've thought of going through with suicide. i no longer want to burden people and getting locked up in some hospital or as some like to call it "help" only makes that pain in my heart worse. so...that's it i guess.

[Beec]

If you think your suicide will unburden people, you are wrong. If you committ suicide, you will be putting a tremendous burden on any and every one who cares anything about you. Don't for a second kid yourself about this. Suicide is one of the most selfish things you can do, it does not unburden anyone.

 

I've seen this in my own family and in others. When your loved one does this, it hurts for the rest of your life. My cousin killed himself over twenty-five years ago. My aunt and uncle still have not gotten over it, and they never will.

 

And don't think you are any different. This girl from Bible study, you will put a very large burden on her should you go through with this.

 

Get help, deal with your hurt, don't make others hurt because of your suicide.

[saku]

Not if i say for her to forget me. That girl will be able to help other people who truly deserve it. And as far as suicide being selfish...yeah i've had to take that into consideration. And as much as i don't want to hurt my family or anyone else, it never seems to matter when people have hurt me. No one calls them selfish or wrong. Two months....i think giving myself two months is good enough.

[saku]

oh and Beec, don't think for a moment i haven't tried to get "help" or deal with this hurt. you think it's easy or that meaningless...try having a truck land on your chest and then lift it off. i'm glad that i've at least tried these eight+ years to deal with my hurt and find ways to overcome it...too bad it's been all in vain. but go ahead and keep assuming i'm just crying over spilled milk.

[Beec]

I'm not saying it is easy. I can't because I don't even know wht it is, and I probably wouldn't anyway. All I am saying is that you should keep fighting the good fight.

[saku]

yeah well...that's what i am trying to do

[Beec]

Well, just keep plugging. It's life, it's not supposed to be easy.

 

And don't for one second think that the girl from Bible study will ever be able to forget you. She won't no matter what you tell her.