Getting back with my ex after a long time. (Need advices)

[beingbastian]

Hello there...this is my story.

 

Me and my girlfriend were together about 4 years. We loved each other so much, we had future plans together (actually she more than me but we were happy) but we went for period of lots of figthings and arguing. Personally I was so stressed because of my work, my career and some family problems that I decided to break up with her. I was not sure about anything in my life at that point. My head was a mess. I never stopped loving her, but I decided to not contact her (I dind't let her contact me too) to not give her false hopes. She suffered a lot, she was so depressed around 4 or 5 months. After that she moved on, she even had a rebound with a guy that didn't work.

During that period I fell into a depression and my situation got so bad that I realized I needed help urgently. Long story short...I went through psychiatric treatment and I'm finally getting better to the point I realized it was a mistake breaking up with her. After 9 months, I contacted her to give me a chance. At first she was like: "Please do not talk to me again. You more than anyone know I don't keep it touch my ex's". I let days pass and I tried again. For 3 months I've been trying to be in contact with her. She rejected me some times but I insisted and finally started chatting again. A this point, we text almost every day, she had initiated contact, we play online games together again (we were a little bit geeks), she had called me by phone, etc.(we don't meet up beacause we live in different cities 3 hours away. We have only met up twice in this 3 months) but every time I try to talk about getting back together she gets a bit angry and uncomfortable. She often tells me to not preassure her, but it's hard to me to not preassure her in some way (I don't want to stay just as friend). Sometime I asked her out and she told me not to preassure her (again) and that i have to try to understand her, that she has to trust me again and that is a process. So I cling to those comments and I'm really hopeful. But sometimes she says she is good by herselft, that she is living her life. etc. I asked her plenty of time if she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, if our breakup is definitely, but she never answered those questions.

She is a very good person, with values, so I think it's impossible that she getting some kind of revenge at me.

 

My questiones are. Why she keeps in contact with me if she knows completely my intentions and says she is good by herselft? Why she just don't cut me off from her life? am I being friendzoned?

 

Can you give me some advices to "preassure without preassuring"? maybe, how can I convice her to meet up without making her feel preassured...don't know...please I need a some help.

[DanZee]

Well, the question isn't why she's still in touch with you. After all, you pressured her to get back with you for 3 months and being a girl, she partially gave in to your pressure. The question is why haven't you moved on? You didn't get better, you relapsed into going after this girl again. At this stage, she's just trying to be friendly with you. She probably doesn't want you fighting and arguing with her again. But the answer is you've got to move on. Leave this girl alone. You're 3 hours away and it's not like you're having much of a relationship. Find someone else where you live and just move on.

[emzara]

Trust is hard to regain. When someone gets hurt, sometimes it's easier to shut down and move on. If you truly love this woman and want to rebuild a relationship, you need to realize that breaking up with her probably really hurt her.

[Carus]

Trust is hard to regain. When someone gets hurt, sometimes it's easier to shut down and move on. If you truly love this woman and want to rebuild a relationship, you need to realize that breaking up with her probably really hurt her.

On top of what Emzara says, she is asking you to not pressure her yet you still do....

 

You need to stop that right now or she will be gone again....Be Patient!

 

It also shows quite a bit where you are at with relationships in general....

 

And by the way, I hope my ex has the same realizations that you did :(

 

Carus*

[londonbridge]

Just be patient. You have to rebuild the trust. Unfortunately it's very easy to break the trust, and very hard to build it back up again. Just be your best self around her and show her that she can trust you. For her to trust you, respect her request for space when she needs it. If she went through 5 months of depression because of your breakup, it will probably take you at least that long if not more to really rebuild a strong relationship again! She's probably not sure if she can trust you again, she might be subconsciously thinking "what if you decide to change your mind again, break up with her, and break her heart again": I'm not for sure of course because I'm not her, you know her better than anyone else. You should definitely lookup relationship books on amazon, either read or listen to the audiobooks -I know guys hate relationship books, but it seriously has lots of great insights for both men and women! It can help you understand her side, and also help you with strategy on how to build the trust and eventually have that difficult adult conversation addressing deep feelings.

 

Btw, thank you so much for sharing what you went through. It's really nice to hear from your side of the story.

 

My BF broke up with me very recently due to pretty similar reasons, career problems, family problems, the long distance and then of course I was being too demanding on him too. Poor guy, I wish I had been more able to understand his feelings, I would have been more careful with my stupid selfish comments. But it's hard to know what people are feeling all the time especially in long distance relationships. Communication is so much the key here. It's only been 15 days since we broke up. I hope my BF will come back to me like how you are intending to with your ex-GF. 9 months is a long time to wait, but if that's how long it takes him, I'm willing to wait. It seems like you only went back to her after she fully moved on though...so, I guess what they say is true, once you move on, either the ex comes back or he doesn't.