really feeling down - would appreciate some advice

[Earth flower]

Hi

 

Well, let me tell my tale. I find myself in quite an unusual sitution, one that I would never have thought I would land up in. I consider myself a very together person, vibrant, outgoing and intelligent so I never dreamed I would be caught up in something that you only read about or see in movies.

 

So without further ado (get ready and please don't be put off by the length of the story I can't help it)......

 

I was due to fly over to see friends in London and my flight was delayed and then cancelled. During all of the chaos myself and a gentleman by the name of Stephan ended up chatting while waiting for buses to load all of the passengers up and take us to hotels for the night. We chatted for a while and sat next to one another on the bus so when we arrived at the hotel and had to share a suite due to lack of space I wasn't too preturbed, he seemed nice enough, afterall we would have separate bedrooms. Anyway things werent awkward at all and we ended up having a cup of tea and a chat until all hours of the morning. He seemed lovely. On waking after very little sleep we had breakfast together, I noticed he had a wedding ring on and we spoke about our families (he has two young sons) and our lives. He is from Holland. My family came to collect me and dragged him along too so we could go back to the airport to sort ourselves out as far as the flight we were supposed to be booked on.

 

Nevertheless, we ended up spending the whole day together in queues and biding our time in coffee shops. We really gelled and actually had a good time. We tried to get seats together on the flight but couldn't and ended up standing in the gulley chatting most of the time, literally joined at the hip. After landing in Holland I had to catch a connecting flight to London and saying goodbye was so emotional. We never said a word to one another and ended up in one anothers arms crying. I have never experienced such intense emotion for another.

 

While away on holiday with my friends we were in contact quite often over the phone, on email and sms. Things about his marriage started to become evident, he was not happy. I took it with a pinch of salt because at this stage he was still essentially a stranger and could tell me anything.

Anyway we decided that on my return flight via Holland he would come through and have coffee with me before I left for home. As it turned out this was not possible as my stop over time was too short. We were disapponted but hell bent on actually seeing one another again to see if what we were feeling was real (I can't explain the feeling just simply a connection and not highly sexual although I did find him attractive). I arranged to stay over night even though I knew he would only be able to spend some time with me in the morning and then get back to work and his family. I intended to book into a hotel close to the airport and then fly out the next morning. Well, and this is where things start to change dramatically so I am going to head straight into it.

 

He called to say he had taken the day off and had booked us into a hotel overnight and that he had been honest with his wife and told her what he was doing so. I was absolutely furious at first, he explained that if I decided that I was uncomfortable in anyway I could tell him and he would leave me and go home. I decided to take the chance, I am very strong willed and rarely get myself into awkward situations. I trust my judgement and so went along with it. Anyway, we had a beautiful day, we spent the whole day chatting in open air cafe`s and getting to know one another. That connection never faded once and I decided that we could spend the night together although nothing actually happened we did connect physically too.

 

So, just to shorten things up a bit. I flew home, he went home and things came to a head between him and his wife. He has subsequently moved out although he still runs errands for the house and looks after the children. We have been in constant contact (once or twice a day) and he has booked a flight out to see me in six weeks. He has handled the situation with his wife with such integrity and has promised to support her and the children., He has spoken to both of their families and has been honest with friends so that the story is not misconstrued because although it looks like I was the catalyst in all of this the cracks in their relationship were already there. He has assured me over and over again that he is thinkingstraight and is doing this for himself, he has been unhappy for so long and needs to make a move to make himself more happy. I trust his judgement and won't bear the guilt of him having changed his life for me.

 

This is part of my crux, although it has not been by direct implication that this has occurred I have played a role. I knew I was going to Holland to see a married man but didn't fully grasp the ramifications. Now, as much as I have come to love this man I am questioning myself for having essentially broken up a marriage in a way. I just can't imagine what his wife is going through. I would hate to be in her situation, she must feel so betrayed and hurt and angry and distrustful. I just can't imagine that could have been, in some way, a reason of so much distress and possibly

having his son's perception of him altered in their minds as they grow up. Also if anything does grow from this will I ever be accepted by his sons. All this accross 12 000 km's of land.

 

So what do you think, I love the guy and want to see where this goes I know that for sure and I know he feels the same.

[SimoneTiger]

Well, what kind of input do you expect?

 

You are the other woman, and will be until his divorce is finalized. I'd say that very few people would support you in this situation.

 

As to your question whether you will ever be accepted by his sons, I doubt that. No matter what the truth is, for them and their mother you will always be the reason Stephan left the family.

[Earth flower]

I fully understand the implications of my actions I am not asking for sympathy or looking to justify my actions or seek acceptance from someone out there. I have explained the situation and where we are at, I can't go back and change things now and would have liked some advice for the future - the where to from here.

[butterflycloud]

I know that on paper what Earth flower did was not right but I guess she is in a situation where she feels guilty yet also needs to know where things are going....

 

She is probably going through felings of confusion at the moment. I think that everyone should help her to establish whare to take things from here. What should she do about the guy?Should she keep the relationship going?Should she move there?Should he move to her?What is their potential future.

 

Sounds like they really shared something- can that really be ignored? I know that what they did was wrong but it is done now- sometimes the power of love is stronger than reason.

 

I have a friend going through the same sort of thing- I can understand how Earth Flower is feeling.

 

thinking of you earth flower!

[SilverManic]

For a start I don't think you were wrong. He was the one who took the initative to tell his wife and leave her. She must have known the relationship was going down hill and if she has any common sense she won't blame you for it. I'm afraid and I am going to be brutely honest.

 

Most people would blame you for it. Most children would reject you. If I was that child I would be angry too. But it's not your fault that their relationship was going down hill was it?

 

I'm afraid in this situation there will be a lot of finger pointing. If you meet his children make it clear that you do not want to take their mothers place and do not want to take their father away from them.

 

I would see how it goes for now. Get to know him better and then think about later. Personally I think it would be more fair on the kids if there is any moving to be done in the future that you do it. He needs to be there for his children, and you need to think about what your taking on.

 

Good Luck and I'm sure things will work out for the best.

~S.

[bothofus]

you seem like a very nice person to me and i believe you are

 

you may have found a very loving relationship and you two can make the best of it for everyone

 

of course you have feelings about the marriage status that means youre a caring person

 

so maybe it was wrong to do some of the things you did

you cannot change those things

 

if someone starts berating you for that there is no point to that you cant turn time back

 

you can start from this day on to make decisions that are good for the kids and you two

 

if you have found a very loving and caring relationship then you are very fortunate

[Rainy]

I do not condone affairs , but it seems to me that you didnt really play aprt in the break up, there had been cracks in the marriage before you came along and he was honest enough to tell his wife that he was meeting you and your plans, id say just enjoy what you both have got

[Earth flower]

Wow, I have been so busy and haven't had time to reply but I just wanted to thank you all for the responses and kind and sometimes harsh word. I really appreciate it, it has helped me to gain perspective on the situation.

 

It has been such a weird situation to be in especially accross such a long distance and especially after just two meetings with this man. It lies in such a grey area. Nevertheless there is only one thing we can do and that is just see where it goes. I have felt some clarity over this matter recently because I am trying to be a little more logical and less emotional. I don't think I will ever be able to forget about the pain that I may have indirectly caused a woman, a mother because I know if the shoe were on the other foot I would be absolutley devastated. I have addressed this with my, lets just call him, Dutchman and he has made it very clear to me that he would never want to go through the pain and trauma of a situation like this ever again and that it was a life decision he had to make for his own happiness.

 

I have also voiced my concern over the fact that I don't do things half heartedly and if he and I ever had to hit a glitch in the future you don't just do a runner into the arms of another. I think owing to our personalities we will be able to compromise and be honest with one another. The way my Dutchman describes his marriage is as very uncompromising, he felt dominated and as though he had lost himself. He said his self esteem suffered immensely. Its amazing the ripple effect that an event can have and all the little situations that arise and spin off from it. I certainly believe in karma and just hope the mine will only return 2 fold instead of 3 because I want to make him happy which he wants too and that can't be all bad. Apparently his wife is getting better everyday, it seems she is coming to grips with the situation too.

 

Anyway I will keep you guys updated and just wanted to say thank you.

[yen]

I can only say one thing. What goes around, will come around.

[Zimetra]

I disagree with yen. There was something wrong with the marriage, and if the break-up hadn't happened this way, it would have happened another way sooner or later. If I put myself in the shoes of the person who is being left, I'd prefer to feel the pain sooner than later, because the more years you spent together the more painful it will be.

 

Earth flower,

I can understand you feel very bad and guilty about the horrible situation you indirectly caused for her. But try to overcome these feelings. Try to start the new relationship unencumbered. You said you believe in karma; so you probably know you do have a great influence on your own karma too, and right now it looks as if you were unconsciously trying to wield a negative influence.

 

You have been very defensive and apologetic in your last post - such an attitude implies guilt and provokes harsh reactions. Not only in the virtual world, also in real life.

 

I wish you all the best in overcoming these feelings and undertaking the adventure of making a new start with someone you haven't had the chance to get to know thoroughly yet. But your connection seems to be so strong and you both seem so determined; I hope you will make it!

 

Zimetra

[macaroni]

Hey Earthflower -

 

First of all, please stop being so hard on yourself. My husband left me after 14 years of marriage for another woman. We had a two and a half year old son at the time. It was difficult for me at first, but our marriage was dying a slow death for some time and I did see, in the end, that it was best for both of us. Actually, now I'm grateful to him!

 

What's important is that both his parents keep the childrens interests at heart and do not provoke any damaging feelings. That is up to them and you cannot control it. All you can do is be the best person you can be and always do "the next right thing".

 

If the wife is smart, she'll learn to forgive and move on. She'll be much happier that way, but if she doesn't, again, nothing you can control.

 

It seems you have found a soul-mate and that is a beautiful thing. Enjoy this time and always work toward your future together.

 

Blessings -

Leap and the net will appear -

[Zimetra]

I wonder how Earthflower is doing. Her story touched me. Earthflower, if you are still in the forum, give us an update on how it developed.

[Earthlflower]

Hi there Zimetra, Yen and Macaroni

 

Sheesh, it has just taken me over half an hour to log in, I forgot my password or hadn't visited in so long I had been de-activated! Oops! I intended to reply now but will do so on Monday for sure, have run out of time. Have a good weekend and will speak to you then.

[Earthlflower]

Hi guys

 

Wow, what supportive words from Zimetra, I really appreciate them, you have no idea. Yen, you are right whether karma for me, Stephan or his wife, it will come around and when it does I guess what can one do other than just deal with it. I know that what has happened and the possibility of a future with this man will be worth dealing with it.

 

Macaroni, you really took a weight off of my shoulders because you flipped the perspective and made me see that there will be life after this for his wife. I just know what it feels like to feel stuck in a tunnel with no light or end in sight and would hate to have put anyone in that situation. You have provided some light - for me at least.

 

Just to update you a little, I received a text message from Stephan's wife about 3 weeks ago which completely threw me (I can't remember if I mentioned it in my original letter) and brought me banging back down to earth once again, I mean I knew she was hurting but I didn't realise how angry she was with me. I knew that Stephan had told her about me but hadn't realised that she had pinned it all on me and wasn't accepting any sort of responsibility for the cracks already existed in their relationship. This reaction, I told myself was natural but I didn't reply as I wanted to keep things between Stephan and her and not get involved. I wanted them to isolate their own problems and not agitate the situation. Anyway, she wanted a response from me and emailed me, she just wanted to be heard and that's fine, she is allowed to be angry.I responded as objectively as possible, explaining how things had happened and how I never intended to be in this situation and I apologised profusely for the upset I have caused but that it was ultimately Stephan's decision. She has not responded although Stephan says she thinks he edited my letter and coached me about what to say. A form of denial I think, she doesn't want to face up to things fully.

 

Anyway, it will take time and she has calmed down much more recently and even brought Stephan a housewarming gift for his new flat. So hopefully she is on the road to recovery. In the meantime Stephan and my love and connection continues to grow and he will be here to visit me and meet my family in three weeks. I am SO SO SOOOO excited!!!!!!

 

I will keep you updated and would love to hear your stories and more about your lives. I promise to check in more often.

[wynterose]

I read your story and couldn't help but think that you have found yourself a real RARE man. One that did the right thing, by telling his wife right away. There was no cheating, no lies, no deceit. It's a difficult time for her right now, I'm sure... BUT she will one day appreciate not being the 'LAST' to know. How many women have been thru that???

 

Your guy is honourable and has his integrety is to be applauded.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[Earthlflower]

Hello there

 

Its been a while and there definitely is a reason for that despite my promise to keep in touch. It would seem wynterose that this man was indeed none of the beautiful things you said. All he was was confused. Stephan threw himself into the fantasy of who he thought I was and what I could offer and when it came time to face the reality of matters he withdrew and went back to his safe and familiar place, his home, his family. Two weeks before he was due to come and visit me he started acting strange and when I confronted him about his change in behaviour he said he was scared of the implications of coming to see me and that he had had a moment with his wife where he saw the girl he fell in love with. Needless to say he did not come and see me after both of us grappled with the situation for about a week. I just decided that he had shaken every ounce of trust I had in him and it would never be possible to be with him now, it has been absolutely heart wrenching and still hurts very badly. I wish he had taken the time I asked him to in the beginning instead of rushing headlong into things. I tried to cover myself and ensure that I was being realistic about what was happening afterall I didn't want to get hurt. My analytical mind buzzed ahead to challenges we might encounter and everytime I took one to him he never flinched or flickered about his love and commitment to me and so I trusted him and my love for him grew. I must admit though, and I remember recording this in my diary at one stage, that I wondered when his penny would drop. I guess it did.

 

Subsequently he has tried to mend things with his wife who is going ahead with the divorce. In her position I am afraid I would do the same thing, he should have known better. I was angry at first but more than anything now I feel sorry for him. I got off lightly with a broken heart, he seems to have lost everything. He may be in my country in the next month and in one of our last communications he asked if it would be possible to meet up. After all that has happened I am extremely hesitant.

[wynterose]

I'm really sorry to hear this. It sure sounded like a dream come true for you. I agree with you that he probably lost everything, and that you were lucky to have gotten off with only a broken heart! If I may... right now, you may not feel it.. but TIME does heal! I broke up with my bf last night, and right now, it's extreamly painful, but I know that time will heal...

[Earthlflower]

Hi Wynterose

 

Time certainly does heal and no matter what a person goes through there is always something to be learnt even under the most crazy of circumstances. It does however, as you say, take time to gain that perspective. Looking back a bit now I can see that there have been some wonderful spiritual things that have come from this and I am sure despite how you feel now you will look back and feel the same way. I hope nothing too traumatic occurred with your breakup and if you wanna just get it out, feel free. Maybe I can offer a fresh outlook on the situation