Blindsided 3 months ago and I still don't understand...

[IrishEyes81]

I am in my 50s, been divorced for a very long time. Finally fell in love with a man that was just finalizing his divorce after a nightmare marriage of 39 years. They married right out of high school, had several kids etc. He stayed through countless separations due to the kids and then simply not wanting to be a "failure". Finally though, finaled papers, moved out etc. He dated a couple of women during this time but nothing serious.

Then he meets me and it was BAM for both of us. We fell in love and I moved in three months after the divorce was final. I know. HUGE mistake.

However for the next two years, everything was wonderful. His friends all said they had never seen him happier, his daughter told me she loved how happy I made her father. We traveled or stayed at home, it was all wonderful.

We never had a fight. Some disagreements, but he said from the beginning "we will always talk. no burying things" and so we did. we talked through our issues like adults...until...

 

One morning, after a wonderful trip to Boston, I woke up to "I need a break". He looked like he wanted to die. He said he needed to have the life experiences I have had. He needed to date around. He felt like he had never been single. He thought I should date too because he didn't want me to wait for someone that may or may not come back.

I NEVER saw this coming.

I moved out that day... He left me there sobbing, homeless and devastated. He said later he just couldn't see me that way.

We talked a few times and then that was that. I then find out, 5 weeks after the break up, he is dating a woman that he had a few dates with before meeting me.

 

How could he just delete me and then replace me immediately? He was the one that advanced EVERYTHING. The first I Love You, the moving in together. He wanted me to not just meet his family but learn to love them, which I did. He wanted me involved with his friends, his business.

A month and a half before, out of the blue he looked at me and said "I have never had any doubts about us, not once". Did that thought scare him? Was that the beginning of the end.

Was I just a very long rebound for him.

 

How do I stop crying and move on when I have NO IDEA how this happened? Was it never real for him?

I am just so lost and so tired of being sad.

[LazyDaisy]

Hello. I had almost the exact thing happen to me. I never did get an answer or closure. But I watched him on social media. And guess what - his new relationship didnt work out either. And neither did the one after that.

I finally got over him when I met someone else.

Some guys cant commit a second time after marriage.

I hope you feel better soon.

I got dumped on Christmas after 11 years. And I’m 49. So I can relate to how you are feeling.

[Starlight925]

You were not only a very long rebound for him, you were his life raft. He didn't know how to be single, so he grasped onto you for dear life in navigating a lifestyle he was unfamiliar with.

 

As soon as he got his sea legs, he was like, cool, I got this, thanks, see ya.

 

I'm in your age range, and I too spent 2+ years with a guy who got divorced after a long marriage, and I, too, was blindsided. In group therapy, someone used the "life raft" analogy with me, and all the puzzle pieces fell into place. In my case, he had a dating profile within days, and moved in with someone shortly thereafter.

 

This is so heartbreaking, and I completely understand, as I've been there.

 

I would walk through my house, crying, opening closet doors, saying...."Where is he???" as if he was simply hiding. It was devastating.

[IrishEyes81]

Life raft. That sounds right but I thought it was so real.

No one, not his family, not his friends can believe this has happened and are still angry with him. The woman he is with is the total opposite of me. He told me once "she has no backbone and that is not attractive" yet there he is...No one can believe he dumped me for her (I know that sounds rude but its what they are saying).

 

I was doing ok until last week. I was running a holiday event that ran three Tuesdays before Christmas. It als happened to be right across the street from his office. He came over the first week to tell me how great the event had turned out and make a donation. I figured "ok. he made his obligatory visit, he congratulated me, supported the event and now also has set the tone if we run into each other again". I was very neutral. He was very nervous, bouncing back and forth on his feet, little eye contact until the end when he leaned down and said "This has turned out very special".

So anyway, figured that was that. Then last Tuesday, he comes over again. This time he has a letter in his hand. He says "This came for you". Then again, nervous bouncing on his feet etc. He said "I didn't get a chance to look around last week" and then walks through the event. I stayed seated. He comes back, a little more small talk and then someone else walks up so he leaves. The next day, when I went in to get some items, he looks out his office window, stands up and starts waving. I waved back and then he got up from his desk and headed toward the door. I just got in my car and drove away.

 

There was no reason to come back over a second time. That letter was nothing important and was postmarked three weeks ago. He could have sent one of his employees over with it. The event is open all day, he didn't need to come over when I was there. He didn't have to look up from his computer, no need for the waving. He already knows I don't hate him, won't create a scene so why come over again? He NEVER puts himself in emotionally uncomfortable positions but he was very nervous.

 

I hate feeling like he is trying to either be friends, keep the door open or whatever. I REALLY hate the way my mind just grasps at this and runs with it.

 

I hate all of this.

[DanZee]

Yeah, you found out the reason. He found this other girl. Bam! Was she younger and prettier than you? Hm-hmm. Typical guy behavior. She probably made him feel like a teenager again. He went all middle-age crazy over her! Just watch out. You might hear from him again when his new girlfriend dumps him. Don't take him back. Make him regret what he lost.

[IrishEyes81]

No, actually she is two years older than I am and not to sound rude, I am more attractive. She is a cook in a kitchen at a bar. I am a teacher and he always said how much he loved and respected my profession. I do think she was "unfinished business" because they dated a few times and then she told him she seeing someone else. After we had been living together for awhile she showed up in his office and told him "I really regret not dating you, I just wasn't ready". He told me about it later. So, she basically laid it out there that she was still interested and so she is a safe bet for a man that has never really dated in his adult life.

 

The whole thing nauseates me...

[Starlight925]

This isn't about whether she's more/less attractive, older/younger. She's different. He was trapped in a bad marriage for decades, and he even referenced how he wanted to do all the things you've gotten to do. She's just another flavor at Baskin Robbins for him to try.

 

As for his nervousness at seeing you at your event, that's to assuage his feelings. You held your cool, good for you, but it makes him feel better, seeing that you weren't going to unload on him. It allows him to feel like, well cool, I got this.....I got to bow out of that relationship, get into a new relationship, and I can run into IrishEyes anytime and it'll all be good. His nervous act, his bringing you an old piece of mail.....that was all for him, not for you.

 

It's time for you to build your own life raft.

[IrishEyes81]

This isn't about whether she's more/less attractive, older/younger. She's different. He was trapped in a bad marriage for decades, and he even referenced how he wanted to do all the things you've gotten to do. She's just another flavor at Baskin Robbins for him to try.

 

As for his nervousness at seeing you at your event, that's to assuage his feelings. You held your cool, good for you, but it makes him feel better, seeing that you weren't going to unload on him. It allows him to feel like, well cool, I got this.....I got to bow out of that relationship, get into a new relationship, and I can run into IrishEyes anytime and it'll all be good. His nervous act, his bringing you an old piece of mail.....that was all for him, not for you.

 

It's time for you to build your own life raft.

 

I need a raft because I am starting to go under...

I do think it was about his guilt feelings. He knows very well how badly he hurt me, his friends have made very sure of that. He told me himself he knew he was being selfish.

His ex wife is on a long, slow train to crazy town. We had to deal with her outbursts in public, text and social media. I made up my mind the one thing I would keep out of this fiasco is my dignity.

 

The truly sad thing about all of this is that we WERE so good together. If I hadn't met him until he had his "play time" (and I DO get his need to know what he wants in life, he always felt that his life was predetermined before he got out of high school) then maybe we would be happily together.

 

I know I need to just let this go. I am trying so hard too. I have gotten back into my hobbies that went by the wayside a bit, have some very loving friends and back to the gym. I have lost 20 lbs in the last three months, the healthy way too.

 

But I still cry every single night...how long does this last?

[Starlight925]

His ex wife is on a long, slow train to crazy town. We had to deal with her outbursts in public, text and social media. I made up my mind the one thing I would keep out of this fiasco is my dignity.

 

 

Eh, I wouldn't be so quick to call his ex "crazy". Her outbursts are very likely the result of having spent decades with a man who possibly treated her with alternating doses of great and horrible. Her outbursts are likely her way of finally expressing herself. Always be aware of the person with the crazy ex....not the ex.

 

He doesn't feel guilty, I'd bet money on it. He's trying to save face. Once you are out of this, a few months, you'll see things more clearly.

 

An "amazing guy who loves you" doesn't just up and leave after 2 years and take up with someone else immediately. I assure you, you dodged a bullet here.

[IrishEyes81]

Eh, I wouldn't be so quick to call his ex "crazy". Her outbursts are very likely the result of having spent decades with a man who possibly treated her with alternating doses of great and horrible. Her outbursts are likely her way of finally expressing herself. Always be aware of the person with the crazy ex....not the ex.

 

He doesn't feel guilty, I'd bet money on it. He's trying to save face. Once you are out of this, a few months, you'll see things more clearly.

 

An "amazing guy who loves you" doesn't just up and leave after 2 years and take up with someone else immediately. I assure you, you dodged a bullet here.

 

I am going to copy this and save it away. It hurts too much to see it now even though you are probably right.

 

His ex is crazy though. She is crazy in all areas of life, has been since high school. But their patterns were very unhealthy and I am sure he did his part.

[Starlight925]

His ex is crazy though. She is crazy in all areas of life, has been since high school. But their patterns were very unhealthy and I am sure he did his part.

 

Then ask yourself.....why did he stay with a crazy woman for 39 years? And don't say because of the kids. Please don't say because of the kids.

 

It's because he knew he could drive her crazier. He could use her "crazy" against her. If she was that "crazy" in High School (which, BTW, I DETEST as a description, as it only ever seems to be used for women), he knew it, yet he chose it. And he continued to choose it for almost 40 years.

 

He was the one who was attracted to her, married her, and stayed with her for decades. Please don't absolve him of responsibility here.

[IrishEyes81]

Two different areas here.

Her personal "crazy" is that she is a control freak. I have worked in the same system for years with her, before I even knew her ex. She is a bully and control freak and drinks way too much. She made teachers cry, she threw temper tantrums if things were not done her way and was eventually told to retire or be fired. In high school, she was suspended for throwing another cheerleader off the stage when she tried to argue about a stunt. She once shoved a woman on the dance floor that she thought was being too "cozy" with her son-in-law. While we were dating, she would park outside the building for hours. She screamed at us in a restaurant once. One day, my ex came home from a week long business trip, she had installed all white carpeting through out the house. Tore up original hardwood floors from the 1800s. Without discussing this with him at all. Then, when he became angry, poured red wine into the middle of the carpet. A neighbor was there and she told me the whole story. She went into his building during their separation and ripped down the curtains on an entire floor, I saw the security film. I am sorry but this woman is unstable and has been for years.

 

Why he married her in the first place? They started dating at 16, married at 19, had a baby at 20. She was very pretty and personable most of the time (when not assaulting cheerleaders). My ex said he was insecure in high school and she made things easier socially. They had three kids and started their own business. Things were volatile for almost the entire marriage but yes, he did stay for the kids. We are both Catholic and that is what you do. He said he worried about the kids being there with her and him not there and because of her drinking. Not that he worried about their safety from her but just being exposed to only her. I totally get that. Their dysfunctional way of dealing was he would move out when things got too bad, she would beg him to come back, he would, things would be better until they weren't and then the cycle started all over again. He told me he kept going back because no one in his family had ever divorced and he did not want to fail. When it was good, he kept thinking "maybe this time".

I do not understand his decisions in his marriage. I know from his treatment of me that he had his blame in their marriage and probably compounded her issues. I am not blaming her totally but I do know she scared me, before him and while we were together. I have already heard she is harassing the new girlfriend.

 

 

Thinking of her is just one more thing to add to my "positives for ending this relationship" though.

[Starlight925]

And that whole story, with her ripping up the floor and then pouring wine on it, makes my opinion even stronger: he chose to stay. Those were just the things you saw; for everything you witnessed, she was probably a ton worse. Yet he stayed, and stayed. He can excuse it all he wants: we had kids, we were Catholic, etc. Bottom line: he chose to stay with a crazy person. That was always his choice.

[IrishEyes81]

I don't think of them as excuses, especially his kids, I think of it as his reasons.

He broke my heart. He ended our relationship in the most cruel, selfish, cowardly manner possible.

But he was and is a wonderful father. His kids and grandkids are his life and they adore him. Times may be different now, but 30 years ago, the divorced dad most often got every other weekend. If he left her, he would be leaving three kids alone with a woman that had issues which included alcohol. He was the stable element of the household, so he stayed. He was there every single morning with his kids and he put them to bed. You can put up with a whole lot to keep that in your life. He had to make a choice and always worried that he harmed his kids by having them see a bad marriage but all three are married, happy and successful so I think he made the right choice.

I made the opposite choice to leave my ex husband when my son was 3 for the opposite reason. I knew that for the majority of the time, he would NOT be around both parents, instead of having to see a very unhealthy parental relationship. It was hard being a single mother and it was hard for my ex to stay in his marriage. But you do that for your kids.

[MeiLa]

You are too fixated on his ex. He’s probably painting you as crazy. Move on enough of this drama and essay responses.

[Liraele]

Then ask yourself.....why did he stay with a crazy woman for 39 years? And don't say because of the kids. Please don't say because of the kids.

 

It's because he knew he could drive her crazier. He could use her "crazy" against her. If she was that "crazy" in High School (which, BTW, I DETEST as a description, as it only ever seems to be used for women), he knew it, yet he chose it. And he continued to choose it for almost 40 years.

 

He was the one who was attracted to her, married her, and stayed with her for decades. Please don't absolve him of responsibility here.

 

I really needed to read this today, I think. I've thought this a number of times about my ex {and his "crazy" ex}...but it's nice to see someone else repeat it as a truth.