Why Did He Change His Mind

[Heartconfused]

So this guy decided to shoot his shot after we had been mutuals on social media for while. The two of us went to highschool together, but we never really talked until he transferred to my college. I didn't know if i liked him, but I gave him a chance. We hung out a few times, studying, getting casual dinner, and one time even going back to my place and playing around a bit. He expressed that he liked me and wanted to take me on a real date once his car was fixed and school calmed down a bit. I told him I liked that, and I let my walls down. He did too. I thought we were getting somewhere.

 

Four days later, we hang out again at my place, and he tells me he's been thinking and that he doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship. He said he probably just wants something casual and would like to hook up. I'm completely shocked. He told me he hasn't been able to connect with anyone, that he's busy, and that he knows there are plenty of guys who would fall over themselves to date me. I ask him about going on the date, and he says it won't happen anymore.

 

I guess my question is this: why did he change his mind out of the blue, and why would he reach out to me if deep down he couldn't do a relationship? I feel blindsided and hurt because now I've started to like him and he just wants something physical. Did I do something wrong? Did I go too fast sexually?

[lunanoir94]

Be thankful he comes by his intentions honestly. There are A LOT of men (or boys, I guess) who will string a women along just to get some pumpum. He is probably just in typical college-aged mode...school is overwhelming, you usually don't have a ton of money at that age, perhaps he just came out of a bad relationship not so long ago. This is a very common mindset for the age group.

 

You just need to worry about what YOU want at this moment :) If you have your heart set on meeting someone & seeking out a relationship then politley tell him that and move on. If you were open to having a more casual situation and seeing where things led, then do that. It is nothing you have said or done it is just the norm for this generation. Less pressure is placed on finding "the one" and more and more people are doing the deed before they are even at a relationship at all. My current relationship began as a result of FWB (mind you, we both were on the same page at the time that we weren't wanting anything serious right off the bat) Years later and now here we are.

[DanZee]

Dump any guy who tells you this. He's just playing around, trying to get something for nothing. You should never put up with a guy like this. He's just setting you up to be his booty call whenever he need some.

[Heartconfused]

What makes this situation so frustrating is that he DID genuinely seem interested in something serious at first. It seems to have become an unfortunate pattern for me that guys will show genuine interest and then turn back on it later on, usually right when I end up catching feelings or letting my wall down! I know it has nothing to do with me or who I am as a person, but it's really starting to hurt my self esteem.

[MissCanuck]

We can't really begin to guess why he changed his mind, unfortunately.

 

If it's a pattern, then perhaps you need to ask yourself: A) if you keep pursuing guys who are actually much more lukewarm than you realize (ie. always has a reason not to take you out - car issues, school issues, and so on) or B) if you come on more strongly than you realize too early, or C) you've simply had a string of bad luck.

 

Or, it could be that he is seeing someone else and isn't sure where that is going, but knows he cannot take you on a date if he's pursing things elsewhere.

[Heartconfused]

If it's a pattern, then perhaps you need to ask yourself: A) if you keep pursuing guys who are actually much more lukewarm than you realize (ie. always has a reason not to take you out - car issues, school issues, and so on) or B) if you come on more strongly than you realize too early, or C) you've simply had a string of bad luck.

 

He was the one who pursued me first and pushed for us to get to know each other. I don't think I came on too strong because I've actually had my guard up quite a bit... It's just disheartening. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me when I know in my heart it's not true and I have so much to give.

[MissCanuck]

He was the one who pursued me first and pushed for us to get to know each other. I don't think I came on too strong because I've actually had my guard up quite a bit... It's just disheartening. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me when I know in my heart it's not true and I have so much to give.

 

Can you define pursue?

 

I ask because it might be that you are misreading the cues that someone has a casual vs. serious intention. Perhaps not, but I think we could use a little more context to understand what is happening with these guys who back off.

[Heartconfused]

Can you define pursue? I ask because it might be that you are misreading the cues that someone has a casual vs. serious intention.

 

Sure. By pursue, I mean making the first move, asking me if I wanted to study, seeing if I wanted to get dinner, asking me little facts about my life etc. He even got very deep with me at one point about his family struggles and mental health. It all seemed a lot more than just some casual hookup.