Moving forward...but a few questions regarding anxiety

[my3lans]

I posted awhile back about my impending breakup with my boyfriend. It's now "official" whatever that means. We were supposed to be "working on it" but he found himself too busy to respond to my texts or phone calls most of the time and so I blew up at him about a week ago. I spent a few days agonizing and over-thinking. I saw my doctor and she switched my anxiety medications. I finished the last few days of grad school and have read a lot about "getting your ex back/breakups etc."

 

Today, a week after my blowup (with no response, btw), I sent him this text:

 

Hey,

I've had some time to gather my thoughts, settle my emotions and think a little more clearly (getting completely off Facebook helps, 5 days and counting haha). I think, for now at least, it would be best if we both got some closure and just ended our relationship. I am not mad. In fact, I've forgiven and hope you can do the same. Obviously we both have things we need to be working on right now individually. I will always remember you driving all night from (another far away state) just to surprise me. I hope that one day soon, we can at least become friends again and on down the road, who knows. I wish you and your family the best always and hope yall have a Merry Christmas.

 

I won't contact him again for at LEAST 30 days, if then. By then 1 of 2 things (maybe both) will have happened: he'll miss me and be wondering or I will have more clarity and will have moved on myself. Either way, I benefit.

 

In the meantime, I'm getting a new haircut, working out, reading a lot, spending time with friends and my own grown children, and moving into a new house.

 

My heart wants to hold onto that little bit of hope for now and I've given myself permission to do that because I do not know what the future holds. All I can know is that I have to keep functioning. I know time will give me more focus to look at things more objectively.

 

I thought things were perfect until his ex started drama wanting him back (9 years after their divorce, after she'd cheated on him numerous times, abused their children, etc.) But I do know that my anxiety can seem overwhelming. I get anxious when plans are canceled on me. I realize things come up but it takes me back to when I was a little girl and my father would skip out on his visitation. I would lie in bed, cry myself to sleep and wonder what was wrong with me that my daddy didn't want to spend time with me. I recognize that this emotion isn't rational--that often times people don't mean to hurt me, things just come up. I can usually control my reaction but I can't control being disappointed. One of the reasons he stated was that he felt like he was constantly disappointing me because of his job (he would get called out of town a lot and have to cancel plans). I honestly don't know what happened. I do know he has issues as well--being organized with his life, setting boundaries, etc. But everyone has issues. Anyway....

 

This is what I want to work on for myself right now--I have to let go of some of this anxiety. I function better than most people with it. At least I can recognize it and get help settling my emotions. I keep going, I don't just lie in bed not able to move. I have a doctor, I'm on medication for it. I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to be so rigid all the time but this is how I have had to be for so long to deal with 1) the pain of my past 2) the demands on me as a working, single mom juggling a lot of responsibilities.

 

Any suggestions?

[semaj281]

I won't contact him again for at LEAST 30 days, if then. By then 1 of 2 things (maybe both) will have happened: he'll miss me and be wondering or I will have more clarity and will have moved on myself. Either way, I benefit.

 

In the meantime, I'm getting a new haircut, working out, reading a lot, spending time with friends and my own grown children, and moving into a new house.

 

My heart wants to hold onto that little bit of hope for now and I've given myself permission to do that because I do not know what the future holds. All I can know is that I have to keep functioning. I know time will give me more focus to look at things more objectively.

 

I thought things were perfect until his ex started drama wanting him back (9 years after their divorce, after she'd cheated on him numerous times, abused their children, etc.) But I do know that my anxiety can seem overwhelming. I get anxious when plans are canceled on me. I realize things come up but it takes me back to when I was a little girl and my father would skip out on his visitation. I would lie in bed, cry myself to sleep and wonder what was wrong with me that my daddy didn't want to spend time with me. I recognize that this emotion isn't rational--that often times people don't mean to hurt me, things just come up. I can usually control my reaction but I can't control being disappointed. One of the reasons he stated was that he felt like he was constantly disappointing me because of his job (he would get called out of town a lot and have to cancel plans). I honestly don't know what happened. I do know he has issues as well--being organized with his life, setting boundaries, etc. But everyone has issues. Anyway....

 

This is what I want to work on for myself right now--I have to let go of some of this anxiety. I function better than most people with it. At least I can recognize it and get help settling my emotions. I keep going, I don't just lie in bed not able to move. I have a doctor, I'm on medication for it. I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to be so rigid all the time but this is how I have had to be for so long to deal with 1) the pain of my past 2) the demands on me as a working, single mom juggling a lot of responsibilities.

 

Any suggestions?

I think you are doing everything right as for coping during this break up. When you say you blew up at him, how did you blow up? You don't have to throw details out on the internet, but I'm curious if you're willing to share.

 

The doctor who is prescribing the meds, is he/she a psychiatrist who can help with your anxiety? Have you spoke to them about healing from your past?

[my3lans]

I think you are doing everything right as for coping during this break up. When you say you blew up at him, how did you blow up? You don't have to throw details out on the internet, but I'm curious if you're willing to share.

 

The doctor who is prescribing the meds, is he/she a psychiatrist who can help with your anxiety? Have you spoke to them about healing from your past?

 

I blew up with several angry texts. I didn't name call or anything like that. I just let him know that I was upset about him being non-responsive after HE said he wanted to work things out. I agreed to give time/space but the only thing I asked for was a single text/phone call every day and he couldn't even do that. No one is that busy. I also said that I did not deserve this, especially around the holidays.

 

My doctor is my general practitioner. She is an integrative medicine doctor meaning she can write prescriptions but also believes in holistic remedies as well. I had cancer a few years ago which two other doctors missed but she found and saved my life. I completely trust her. But she's not a counselor and yes she did advise me to go talk to someone. I'm working on that. My copay with insurance is $65 a session. Not bad but right here at Christmas, it's a little harder to come up with. I have talked about it with various psychologists before but never got any real solutions. I think they are satisfied that I'm not completely crippled by it like a lot of people are. But it does sabotage my relationships because I can't stand when people flake out, even for good reasons.

[Wiseman2]

On 12-12-2017 you sent him this text, so you have had the chance for 'closure' and so has he by not responding. Focus on care from your doctors/therapists and developing healthier lifestyle choices such as drinking less, more activity,and better eating. Focus on your child and try not to bring unresolved divorce issues into new situations.

Today, a week after my blowup (with no response, btw), I sent him this text:

Hey,

I've had some time to gather my thoughts, settle my emotions and think a little more clearly (getting completely off Facebook helps, 5 days and counting haha). I think, for now at least, it would be best if we both got some closure and just ended our relationship. I am not mad. In fact, I've forgiven and hope you can do the same. Obviously we both have things we need to be working on right now individually. I will always remember you driving all night from (another far away state) just to surprise me. I hope that one day soon, we can at least become friends again and on down the road, who knows. I wish you and your family the best always and hope yall have a Merry Christmas.

[my3lans]

On 12-12-2017 you sent him this text, so you have had the chance for 'closure' and so has he by not responding. Focus on care from your doctors/therapists and developing healthier lifestyle choices such as drinking less, more activity,and better eating. Focus on your child and try not to bring unresolved divorce issues into new situations.

 

Not sure where you are getting that I don't focus on my "child". I have three children--they are all grown and on their own. I also don't have any unresolved divorce issues. My anxiety comes from childhood and it's always going to be with me no matter what. Also, unresponsiveness is not closure. It's just rude. But thanks for your input. As previously stated, I am going to work on the other things after the holidays.