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What did I do to deserve this?

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I'm 22 female. My ex is 22 female. We were together for 1.5 years. We broke up 7 months ago. No contact for 4 months.


Our relationship was fine for the most part. We both live with our parents and her parents are cultured and very homophobic. E.g. Come from the culture where gay killings are a thing. So, for 1.5 years, she would come over my house to hang out and we'd have to lie about what we're doing. She'd have to lie about who she's seeing otherwise her family would get suspicious. I.e. If she says she's seeing me more than 1 time in a week, she'd freak out. She'd say she's seeing Adam, but is seeing me.


My brother, late last year, was threatening to tell my mum about my sexuality and that she was my gf. I felt pressured, so I told my mum the truth. She seemed fine with it... at first. She then used my relationship as a power move. E.g. If I don't do something, I'm not allowed to bring my ex over. She did this to me in January, and my ex never came over at all this year. My household became violent towards me for unrelated reasons, and my ex didn't ever want me to try to ask if she can come over and risk the environment for me. But I knew if I gave it some time, she would be allowed to.


I compromised though. I would organise hotel getaways. I would try to see her once a week in the back of my car to get some alone time to talk. Apparently it wasn't enough, but she never told me.


When she left me, she blamed me for everything. It was my parents, it was my household, it was my anger because I would lash out to her (not at her, not violently either) over tiny things because of my stress (I went to therapy for her for my anger), it was my stress from doing my masters degree. It was all me. I was the issue. But then she said I'm amazing and wanted to be friends. I was numb and said okay. Stupid mistake.


The next few days, I found out she was attracted to the person she was talking to while she was with me (20F). She brought this person up once. She said she met them the same way as she met me, and I felt a really weird gut reaction but ignored it. Mistake.


She said to me that one time, that this person was also ethnic and would provide some support because she doesn't have many ethnic friends. I didn't stop her from making friends. But I didn't know she had a crush on her and wanted to bring her closer, talking to her every ing day.


3 days later, I get a snapchat from her that's her talking to this person. This was the very first time that's happened. My ex told me that she told her she dumped me that night too.


Few days after that, this person comments a flirtatious comment on her instagram. I blew up for 3 hours via text.


She told me they're just "friends". 3 weeks later, she tells me she has feelings for them. I sent a long hurtful message. It was nasty. It was abusive. I never should've said those things. I might think them still, but I never should've said it. I regret it every day and it's been 7 months. I actually found out months later, when it was literally supposed to be our 2 year anniversary, that she started seeing this person 9 days after leaving me. Nine.


What did I do to deserve being cheated on this entire time?


I tried my absolute best. But it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough.


Her sexts to this new person have been posted online publicly, to get back at me. The new person was constantly playing games with me. E.g. Aiming statuses at me, instagram captions at me, have their friends harass me on Facebook but deny to my ex it was her doing. I've screenshot the sext because it wasn't done with consent and my ex doesn't believe anything I say anymore, when I've never ever lied to her.



I don't know what to do anymore. She seems happy af and loving life, while im miserable everyday. I don't know what I did to deserve to be cheated on emotionally. She even invalidated what cheating is to me by saying she didnt cheat, rather than see how it is to me. I sent a long email saying everything I need to say (non abusive) apologising for what I did, how she betrayed me, how she left me for someone else, etc. That was supposed to be the final thing I ever say to her. A few days later, I was harassed... again... by the new persons friend. I screenshot everything, sent it to my ex, told her to leave me alone. I told my ex I would consider legal proceedings if the new person keeps going with this harassment. I haven't heard anything since. I haven't reached out since.


Yet, I still feel numb. I'm trying to focus on myself. I finished uni and my thesis despite everything. I've booked a trip to nz when it's her birthday because I don't want to be here sad and thinking about her while she doesn't think about me. We met on her birthday, and the year later, I told her I was falling for her when it was her birthday, too. I doubt she'll remember or think about that. I don't understand how she could do this.



I don't know what to do.


I still feel really guilty for what I did to her. What do I do about that?


Does she miss me? Or nah?


Will she ever regret leaving me?



I'm scared this new person will last longer than what we did. I took her on really thought out dates rather than movies and dinner - at least within the first year of the relationship. I drove her 1-2 hours away for our first date because I knew she liked nature. For our 1 year, I took her to play with her favourite animals, meerkats. There's no way this new person would do something like that. But I got complacent and stressed out. I neglected her. But then again, I was going through so much that she neglected me. One example stands out. Someone committed suicide. I saw the body in a tarp. I went into shock. Did she see me even though she's 10 minutes away? No. We did talk on the phone but she didn't really let me talk about it.


I don't know if I want her back. I think I do want her to come back and reach out. I don't know. If she does want me back, it'll only be if the new person is completely gone from her life, and she's changed as person.


I don't know what to do.


I don't plan on breaking nc. I do miss her. Terribly.


But I feel like a complete moron for missing her, etc when she doesn't care about me or even think about me.


I don't know what to do when it's Christmas. I hate it as it is, but she made me start to like it. Now I'm back to square 1 and idk what to do to get through the inevitable pain then.


I saw my ex the other day when I was going to the movies. She literally turned around and hid behind a pot plant. Am I that terrible of a person she has to literally run and hide? Why did she do that? I kept walking though.




Basically, this post is me asking:


What did I do to deserve being cheated on?


How can I stop blaming myself for every tiny thing that went wrong, and not being good enough?


Will she ever reach out to me even though after sending that abusive message she said she doesn't want me in her life anymore and doesn't plan on coming back?


What can I do to lessen the pain that I feel every day? I'm sticking with NC. I have no desire to say anything after my email.


Will she ever regret leaving me? Or is my post-breakup behaviour all she'll remember me by?




I know people will say the past is the past, but my past is affecting my present, so it's hard to not think about it all.


I've been going out as much as I can, meeting new people (not dating). I even have an invitation for a rooftop bar at a 5 star hotel today (I'm on the fence with going). I don't have much hobbies anymore except going out and working on my social anxiety and shyness, which I like. I just don't know what to do about the questions I've posted above.

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So, you really have anger issues and the way it comes out was emotionally abusive to your girlfriend. Plus, you seem to think that talking to a man before officially breaking up with you is cheating. That's not cheating. You were emotionally driving her away and she turned to someone who wasn't emotionally abusive.


Go back over what you wrote here. You were trying to control and bully her. You really treated her badly, and that's the answer to shy she doesn't regret breaking up with you and why she's having fun now.


If you want to change, you may need sessions with a psychiatrist who can also prescribe medicine for you. Also try to distract yourself with going out for walks, going to movies, plays and concerts. Watch comedies on TV and listen to happy songs. Keep busy by doing things you like to do. Try to keep a positive attitude and try to treat people with respect. I know London is expensive, but maybe find a roommate situation and get out of your mother's house.

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I said awful things to my ex when he found a new partner too. It hurts, and so we try and hurt back.


Psychologist to unpack why you blame yourself for everything. And if posters here are noticing a pattern of poor anger management, work through that as well. You can’t control anything in this world but yourself, so choose life, choose social interaction, brainstorm and try some hobbies if you haven’t any, preferably ones that will bring you into contact with groups of people.

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You have two sides. A great loving person and an angry abusive person. She got to know both of you and didn't want to be with someone who could be like that. She didn't think you would change. She didn't want to be subject to your sides anymore. She left.


Get help for your anger. And stop blaming her. Accept your role in this and make real deep changes.

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