Now what?

[sfindependent]

So i've been successful with my last meetup talk with my ex.

 

we didn't talk for two months, until most recently. The initial meet up was great. We both had fun and it was nice. We said we'd meet up again, if not sooner. We were also aware that there needed to slow things down to make things easier to be friends. She left for a 1 week holiday to which she said we'd talk when she got back.

 

when she did get back, she changed her mind. Told me she can't see or hear from me for another few months because she's still emotionally charged when we spoke. I understood and after a few days of back and forth, we were going to call it "no contact" again, for an agreed 3 mos. through out this, it's been noticeable (she's even mentioned it) that i've changed 180degrees. I'm making an effort to listen. i'm making an effort to process the things that had happened, how i hurt her and how I was oblivious to what people around me. she told me to call or reach out only for emergencies. the following week of texts she was initiating it. All of which i received warmly, assuredly and actively.

 

unfortunately, a family member died a day later that week, still in contact, i asked to speak with her and ended up speaking on the phone for another 5hrs. we never argued, although there were emotions that ran high a few times (which were understandable). none of which ended in an argument. when she said something, i listened, didn't react negatively, process and apologized when i needed to. there was no blaming, and there was no angry statements that were said. I acknowledged all my faults, and said what i was doing to rectify it. I was a bit emotional, to which she stated several times "i never knew you were emotional". I asked and validated her feelings consistently. after 5hrs, we had to get off the phone. she asked for no contact (i agreed) because she still felt that she needs some time to heal some more. she needed 3 mos more to make sure she wasn't reacting to her feelings towards me. However she also left it saying "if you needed to give the gift you had bought please send it to me by sunday". she asked nicely.

 

right before we ended the phone call, we agreed several times that we had never felt so connected, not for a long time. the connection we were having that night was deep. She also stated she felt my sincerity with my apology. and that while i was still untrustworthy, that she can see i was making an effort to be a better person.

 

anyway, after the next couple of days, i tried to send what i had gotten to her via email through my phone and needless to say, had to wait until monday to send it. When i emailed her, i told her "i'm sorry i know you had said sunday, but i couldnt". i kept it brief and nothing that she needed to respond to. she emailed back a day later saying thank you, and "not trying to open a dialogue here, but i found this video you might like" and it was about men being more emotional. that she can't talk to me. and she ended it with "no need for response". then she followed it up with another email saying "I meant, i cannot talk for a while with you, i don't want you to worry about my last statement so i wanted to clarify it"

 

anyway, i know i've to move on and let her be. which is fine. in my head i can deal with it. Although, why am i bothered by her path? she admitted to me finally during our 5 hour conversation that she was co-dependent and had started out a year ago a path to wellness. I'm happy for her seeing a therapist and all that, but she's started out going to tantric yoga exercises (i'm not sure if it's the sexual type) and she's saying she's feeling connected to the people and the idea of tantric yoga as well as taking a few classes to be wicca. Part of me feels she's spinning her wheels. Why am i bothered? I definitely know i shouldnt be. it's her life. I don't even know if i can see myself with a tantric, wiccan, vegan yogini as a partner. When we met, she was a healthy omnivore. it feels she's finding herself.

 

I'm just trying to unwind residual feelings and answer questions i ask myself. when i say "successful" i meant i conveyed to her regret. acceptance. growth.

 

thanks!

[reinventmyself]

Well done.

Having read everything I guess I don't understand how two people can heal separately and learn to trust other without contact, whether it be friends or otherwise.

I guess I am not sure what the goal here is? Do you?

[dave4443]

I wouldn't wait on someone asking you too, I don't see the point. It's basically an easy way for them to know you're waiting and they can decide if they want to move on or not while your kept in limbo, try and move on with your life and if she does come back in 3 months great, if she doesn't at least you haven't wasted so long waiting for her, plus if you do wait and she decides she doesn't want too come back you'll just end up hating her for screwing with your head

[sfindependent]

I'm not sure either. From the last conversation that we had, it would have sounded like a good spring board for any two people to make amends with each other and pursue an improvement with their relationship. Not ask for three more months of no contact. But hey, i'm glad she's conscious of her feelings, and wanted to make sure she won't have it anymore when we start talking once more.

 

IT does feel though, that as a person and adult, she's not settled to who she is. She's still finding herself and trying to find her place in this world. She's trying to establish boundaries. she's trying to feel appreciated and heard. I cannot depend or put faith on someone who isn't settled with her being. And even if she was, i don't know if i can choose a life to share with her because of her current life choices. Again, nothing bad with a tantric, wiccan vegan yogini. but it's a lifestyle i cannot follow if she chooses to follow it permanently or for the long term.

 

My personal goal is to feel relieved and ok with her doing her own thing, which i should be. It's egotistical for me to feel i have control or opinion over what she does so i'm trying to push those thoughts away. I'm trying to be loving, but st

 

It's the residual feelings i want to get rid of. So ready to move on.

[sfindependent]

also

 

since i've been on this path, and us talking, i've been more and more aware of the things i have done wrong in a relationship, especially ours. I'm actively and consciously working on my part to be a better person to whomever may come my way.

 

I guess my biggest frustration is that, knowing what i know now and that we're *this close* to talking, i KNOW i'm a better person. I know i can treat her better than before. But i also know it's not a waste of my time, since i can apply what i learned to my next relationship etc etc.

 

gosh darn NC.