How important is it to have things in common?

[fencemaker]

I've been going out with this girl for a while...

And, it's come to my attention that we really have very little in common. I have a hobby that I love very much, and well, she seemed to be interested in it also. But it's sort of come to my attention that, she's really not interested in it at all. She might have been many years ago, but not anymore.

She still *pretends* she's interested in it though. She'll make excuses like "I just don't have time anymore" and things like that.

 

It makes it difficult, because often I want to tell her about this great hobby that I thought we shared... or, about things that I'm really excited about... but instead, I find myself getting cut into in conversations, or she sometimes avoids completely. Now I don't mention it to her at all... I just think about it... and get frustrated because I can't say anything to her about it, when I really want to.

 

In fact, she's turned out to be almost completely opposite of the girl I thought she was. It just seems like we have nothing in common, and sometimes I don't even know what to talk to her about anymore.

 

Have other couples faced this challenge? What have you done?

I love her and care about her very much, as she does me... but how can this work out in the long term?

[pandorasbox]

If the hobby is SEX then I feel ya pain. if its not, then she's still not your type. so just dump her and this time make sure she's your type before you decide to get into a relationship with her. Remember, there are 3 billion more chicks in the world.

[Amythyst_4206669]

what kind of a reply was that??? kinda rude don't ya think... heres the deal... every relationship has their problems that they need to get through... don't just give up on it... u need to not think about the 1 hobby so much... think about other stuff too... maybe if u think about other stuff then she will be interested in the same things... or u could ask her what she is interested in... then talk to her and see if u guys can work it out so that u guys do what both of u guys are interested in... don't set ur mind to one thing... cuz if u do that then it will be very unlikely for u to find someone that will want to do the same hobby all the time... so do urself a favor and talk to this girl about it... don't break it off with her just because she don't like something that u do... if u do that then u aren't gonna get anywhere with anyone... just talk to her about it... k

Hope i helped.

Love Always,

Amythyst

[RayKay]

Sounds like she told you she was "into it" as she wanted to mold herself to be someone you would like, to please you or to have you "into her". I find this happens a lot with younger girls or girls with lower self esteem.

 

Now she knows she is "trapped" in it so she has to avoid the topic to avoid getting caught in her little "stretching of the truth".

 

I don't think its important she shares your exact hobby - what IS important is that she is her own person, can accept your hobbies but also has her own interests and pursues them. In other words, she is independent, aware of who she is and does not mold herself to what you might like and thereforeeee lose herself. Which is what she may be doing. Many couples come together and have very strong healthy relationships full of love, passion and respect but don't pursue the exact same things. And there are others where both do pursue the same thing, but one not so willingly, and there is resentment.

 

I have had hobbies in common with some past boyfriends, and with others a little less - though sometimes there is some "overlap" in that we are both athletic, just pursue different sports. As long as there is respect for one anothers passions, support and understanding that is what matters most...not that the hobbies are the same.

 

So I would not be so concerned about the hobby, but about how she keeps up the little lie about it, and also about fact she is not really aware of whom she is yet...she is being whom she THINKS you want, rather than her own person...she has some growing up to do.

 

It takes two complete people to form a healthy relationship, and I am not sure she is there yet. She may be there in some time though, so its up to you to decide what you want to do in the meantime

[fencemaker]

Hmmm, thankyou very much Amythyst and Raykay

Those are great replies!

 

Yeah, I really can't imagine myself dumping her. She is such an amazing person

What I will do then, is just tell her the more "general" details about it, that she is more okay with, and not force it on her... and talk about this hobby mainly with my friends who share it =)

I can well imagine what you said about someone with the same interests is very true... that it could easily breed resentment through differences of opinion and whatnot.

 

Thanks a bunch

[RayKay]

Glad to have helped fencemaker, obviously recognize that despite not having all that many shared hobbies you have a great partner!

 

When we are "into" something it is definitely natural to share things with our partners about it.

 

Maybe you two can look at getting involved in a new activity you both can be "new" at, and both share together and enjoy.....also a great way to spend quality time and learn more about one another.