Should i have left her? Did i make a mistake?

[Troutmaster9]

Hello everyone, I have never posted online before but I am really confused and have no one to go to. Any input is appreciated.

 

A few days ago, me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up. It was probably the most painful thing I have ever done, and I cant imagine anything worse than it. She was my best friend and we shared many things in common. We would do ski trips all the time, she was my only fly fishing buddy, and we both had a passion for the environment and are actually in the same college program. We are both young (19 and 20), and there were many times when I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

The reason things ended was almost exclusively due to lack of intimacy in our relationship. The first year or so was amazing and everything was great, but as time went on, she started showing different sides of her. I came to learn that she had some serious body image issues, and it got to the point where she would never take any clothes off. There was one point where I never saw her body for 6 months straight (yes that means no sex). At that point I had tried talking to a couple people about the situation and nearly everyone I talked to said I was crazy for sticking around that long. But no one truly understood how important she was to me.

 

I had tried talking to her about this problem time after time and she kept saying things would change, but they never did. There would be times when things were good again, and then a week later its back. Keep in mind that everything else about the relationship was amazing. We definitely had a real connection and she was absolutely stunning to me. It was just extremely frustrating to be denied nearly every time I try to initiate something with my girl. And I knew she felt awful about it, and she really did want to make me happy, but there was something going on in her head that just couldn't get past the way she looked.

 

Anyways, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. I'm going to college in a town 5 hours away from my friends and family, and she was all I had here. I don't know if I actually miss her as a girlfriend, or if I miss her as my bestfriend. Is it bad that I ended things for this reason? Should I have stuck around and helped her get through this problem? I know most guys are going to tell me that I'm lucky to get out of a relationship where there was almost no sex, but this girl was something else. And for a long time I definitely thought it would be worth sticking around. The lack of intimacy caused resentment towards her and I was subconsciously treating her worst than she deserved. But now all I can think about is being with her again. I need my best friend back and I feel awful for what I did to her because I know she loved me a lot.

 

I have been in a pretty dark place lately, not only because of this. Stress from exams, family issues, financial issues, and relationship issues have all been piling up on me and it feels like my life is spiraling downwards. Any insight is appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read this. Did I make a mistake here

[MDiaz]

If she doesn’t feel good about her body, maybe you both can start going to the gym together? Maybe incoporate a healthier diet, that will surely boost her self esteem, she needs to stick with it though. My 2 cents

[sublimek2]

Well first, you should seek out a counselor at school to help you manage everything that is piling up for you. That is your first priority and it is important. You don't want to go from that dark place to total apathy to not caring about anything at all, and I assure you, the slope is quite slippery there.

 

Now, about your situation with your ex. Intimacy is a huge part of a relationship, and I'm not talking about just sex. Sex is only a part of intimacy and if intimacy isn't there, it makes it hard to connect with someone on a deeper level. But from what you describe, she seems to be aware of the problem. This could very well be something that she was unable to fully divulge to you. You say you tried talking to her about what the issue was, I am curious, did you guys ever seek out some professional help? What you describe seems to be a bigger issue at hand and something that maybe a professional is better equipped to help understand. How did she take this break up? Was she indifferent? Did she take it pretty hard? Was the lack of intimacy the only reason the relationship was ended?

[Troutmaster9]

Thank you both for the replies, it means a lot. I go to the gym regularly and she has tried coming along with me but it never lasted long. She thinks she is overweight and hates her body, but i assure you that she looks amazing and actually looks quite fit for someone that doesn't go to the gym (5'4 120 pounds). I had suggested seeing a professional a couple times actually and she said that was stupid and she can figure things out on her own. I think she was caught up in the stigma of seeing a professional for a problem like that. She is very stubborn. I don't really know how she took it. She walked out after it happened and I haven't heard from her since. She's not one to show her emotions, but I could see her tearing up as I spoke to her, and that absolutely killed me. The lack of intimacy was the main problem, and I think other smaller problems stemmed from that. Because I was not satisfied, I began getting annoyed by little things that she does that would normally not annoy me. I was resenting her and I didn't want to spend time with her as much and she definitely noticed. Overall I think everything stemmed from this one main problem. Oh and I forgot to mention, there was a month or two when she wouldn't even kiss me because she had just got braces.

[sublimek2]

Well, it seems clear that this is not something she wants to work out in a professional setting and without that, you guys seem to be at an impasse. From what you have described, I don't see what other choice you had but to end things. If you guys were to have continued the relationship with the way things were, not being able to work through the problems, then you would have most likely grown disinterested and detached from her and the relationship and a break up at that point would have been much, much worse.

[RainyCoast]

So,

 

Everything is perfect for the first year or so

 

Then bang the physical contact stops and the explanation is she has body image and intimacy issues, as in, suddenly, she didn't have them before, and for the first year you two had no problems with intimacy, physical or otherwise?

 

Did i understand correctly?

 

Or were there always these issues that you just blinded yourself to until there literally was no semblance of intimacy left?

[Troutmaster9]

So,

 

Everything is perfect for the first year or so

 

Then bang the physical contact stops and the explanation is she has body image and intimacy issues, as in, suddenly, she didn't have them before, and for the first year you two had no problems with intimacy, physical or otherwise?

 

Did i understand correctly?

 

Or were there always these issues that you just blinded yourself to until there literally was no semblance of intimacy left?

 

Yes everything was amazing in the first year and we were having great sex almost every time we got together. Then over the course of a month or two it slowly dropped off. I had been trying to figure out what the hell it was that made everything fall apart and I just couldn't come up with anything. Every time I asked her what happened she would say "I don't really know" or she would claim she got fatter, which is not the case.

[Troutmaster9]

Well, it seems clear that this is not something she wants to work out in a professional setting and without that, you guys seem to be at an impasse. From what you have described, I don't see what other choice you had but to end things. If you guys were to have continued the relationship with the way things were, not being able to work through the problems, then you would have most likely grown disinterested and detached from her and the relationship and a break up at that point would have been much, much worse.

 

That's what I figured, I just hope I was right. Thank you very much.

[RainyCoast]

Nope, something happened.

 

There's definitely a body image issue at play too by the sounds of it, if she gets worked up over unnoticeable fluctuations in weight, and the braces thing.

That sounds quite extreme, so i wouldn't place the expectation on either of you to work things out, nor, by any means, assume "blame". Whatever triggered it, i don't think you'll have much luck approaching it any further.

 

It's hard enough if it is a trust and intimacy problem something triggered, if it's a pernicious body image or eating disorder though, the psychological rigidity of the sufferers is usually enough to make a professional feel helpless, let alone a young partner.

 

The most discouraging thing is that you've approached the problem and she isn't willing to talk.

[Troutmaster9]

Nope, something happened.

 

There's definitely a body image issue at play too by the sounds of it, if she gets worked up over unnoticeable fluctuations in weight, and the braces thing.

That sounds quite extreme, so i wouldn't place the expectation on either of you to work things out, nor, by any means, assume "blame". Whatever triggered it, i don't think you'll have much luck approaching it any further.

 

It's hard enough if it is a trust and intimacy problem something triggered, if it's a pernicious body image or eating disorder though, the psychological rigidity of the sufferers is usually enough to make a professional feel helpless, let alone a young partner.

 

The most discouraging thing is that you've approached the problem and she isn't willing to talk.

 

Thank you for your input. I was trying to figure out how to help solve the issue for the longest time until I realized that there is nothing I can do, and it is solely up to her to figure this out. I still wonder if it was something I did or said that caused this mess and I hope to god that I didn't it up. I still worry for her cause to me it looked like she was developing really bad eating habits. Toward the end of our relationship she would go almost full days without eating or just eating the bare minimum. She was also starting to experiment with drugs (no really dangerous ones yet) and she has a very addictive personality. I have never really talked about this to anyone, but over the summer I found a very disturbing google search on her phone and I ended up calling a suicide helpline in tears, cause I was so worried for her health. All I've been thinking about lately is how she is doing with this whole break up, and I pray to god that I didn't push her into a dark place. She has no one else to go to.

Thanks