How Can I make our LDR work?

[Herbie123]

I’ve recently posted about my partner wanting to end things. We currently live in different countries due to his work and he’s beginning to wander if it’s worth it and if he still feels the same. We see each other 4 days a month.

He came home and on Friday broke things off. I didn’t contact him. The next day he text me ‘would you like me to bring your things round?’

I ignored.

Decided not to mope, went out with an old friend for a few drinks and saw him out! He was staring at me constantly so in the end I left to save myself drama or more heartbreak.

I was staying at his mums, as he lives with his dad when home, and he began phoning and phoning And ended up turning up there! He told me he was confused still loved me doesn’t know what to do. The next day He wants cuddles and affection and love. I refuse. I will not be walked all over. He ended up saying he wanted to give things a shot and take it day by day. He is now back in another country. And I have no idea what to do?! He called when he got there. We briefly spoke on the phone yesterday. Today I have heard nothing.

Should I be making a huge effort? Should I wait for him? How Can I make this any better. We’ve been together 6 years. I don’t want to throw it away.

Help me! I’m so frustrated

[firelily]

You need to have some proper conversation about what to do and where you're heading. Before that, it would be great if you spent some time thinking about what you want - if this relationship fulfills your needs, do you see a future together, is the perspective of getting together close, etc. - and he needs to do the same. And once he's made his decision, he shouldn't be fickle about it, it only causes more hurt. You definitely shouldn't be putting twice an effort for this to work out just because you've been long together and accept his hesitation. If he's willing to try this, it's his shot, if it's not a good situation for him, his choice as well. I'm sure it's not easy for you too, so you should concentrate on your needs and let him voice his.

 

Some things you can think about:

1) Do you have a set time for getting together and is it decided that you will do that? Would that time be detrimental to your relationship and pull you apart, or can you still make things stay alive for some time?

2) Is this relationship making you both grow and support each other, even if you are far away?

3) Does any of you feel like they're missing on some opportunities because of your LDR?

4) Can you make improvements to your situation - by moving in sooner, by you're moving away to where he currently works, visiting more often or for some longer time? Can you make improvements to your online connection - e.g. talking more often - or less often, if any of you needs more space?

5) Does your sexual connection fulfills your needs or can you do something to improve it?

6) Do you both want to spend future together?

7) Are your feelings just as strong as before LDR arrangement, or the distance pulled you apart and you don't love each other as much as you did then?

 

From what he said it seems like he's on the fence about all this. I think he needs to know he's 100% in for this to work. He may need some space to decide, but eventually you both deserve certainty.

[Herbie123]

Thanks so much for taking time to reply.

Unfortunately he has no idea what he wants or what’s going on in his head. Which then makes it truly impossible for me to make a change or know what the reason is for the hesitation or to possibly speak about anything. All I have is ‘I don’t know’

And as much as I want to turn around and say well piss off then I’m worth much more than ‘i don’t know’ I just can’t walk away.

I visit as much as I can, I work in a school so all holidays I fly up to stay with him.

he has another 9 months max away. We have already made it through 7.

Communication is hard. He works nights. I work days.

We were planning on moving in together when he returned home and getting a mortgage!! We have a holiday to Thailand booked for next August. Concert tickets for next July. We only booked the holiday 3 weeks ago. How can so much have changed.

When he’s home. It’s like we have never been apart. Physical connection is still very much there!

I think he needs some space to process his thoughts. But he has everyone else’s opinion in his ear. So I find it difficult just to let it be. I feel like if I don’t contact him and let him get on with it I’ve given up.

But I also can’t make the relationship work on my own.

i just wish I was stronger.

Feel like I’ve lost every part of myself I was before. feel so worthless now.

[firelily]

It seems that this relationship is technically doable (you're halfway through), but yes, he would have to work on it as much as you do. I get that communication is a problem.

 

You don't have to cut off contact totally, but what can you do... you can't make him decide and you can't make him love you more. You have to let go a bit and stop fighting for it, because it would only make you tired. It seems like all the work to do is at his court right now. Don't try to keep this relationship alive by yourself - if you stop making it alive by yourself and it dies, then it's not worth to prolong that. Just make sure he knows where you stand, that you give him space to think things through and that you're here if he wants to. That if he has some suggestions what can be done by you to help him, you're all ears. But you can't do much more for him. And eventually you will need to have some honest discussion because unfortunately he doesn't have all time on Earth for this decision. This situation right now is too hard for you as it is.

 

Why do you feel that way about yourself? Is is because your relationship is falling apart and it meant a lot to you, or because of your emotional exhaution? Do you feel like you've been being too much of a giver here recently, or this imbalance thing was going on for some longer time? You definitely need to put yourself first. If you feel like you need some time off to get on your feet again, you're allowed to get it even if he suddenly wants to be with you. You're the most important person for yourself. You can't focus your energy on waiting here, but on getting to a better place - enjoying life, relationships, time with yourself. And you can't wait for too long for this decision if this all costs you so much.

[Jillstrand23]

get clear in your head what you want and how you feel about him to begin with. Things may or may not fall into place but you've got to communicate!

[Herbie123]

we are communicating, but about general things, how’s your day. Just every day chat. He’s not home for 3 weeks and I feel like I’m treading on egg shells trying to be this happy positive person 24/7 when in reality I’m completely miserable because I don’t know where I stand.

I know it’s not healthy. No matter how many times I’m told you don’t deserve this, move on. It doesnt make me feel any different. Just even more of a mug.

 

I think that’s a really positive way of looking at things thank you. I will try that.

I work full time, attend university full time, and have a part time job aswell. I am constantly working and it’s exhausting I don’t think this helps at all. I used to have so many friends, always busy socialising. I miss that part of myself and that’s what I’m trying to get back.

 

I was just trying so hard to save for a future I thought we’d be starting next year and in the process lost the fun happy loving life part of me. Then this happens and I just feel horrendous.

I Took some time of work to clear my head and realised I can’t continue this way anymore.

I’ve joined a gym, I’ve got in contact with old friends, im agreeing to less work.

I’m trying to be the best possible me I can. And not for anyone else. For me. I’ve lived so long trying to please him I’ve forgotten about myself. I guess I have to be happy myself before things can truly get better. We’ve had a nice chat tonight about causal things. Which makes a change from the arguments of him making 0 effort when he’s away and forgetting I exist.

We’re still young. We should be enjoying life together.

He used to be so thoughtful, little gestures, text messages, surprises. Since he’s been gone all of that has gone too. And I know it’s difficult when your so far apart. Just need some ideas of how to bring that back when you can’t see each other.

[Capttrae]

Simply put. You can't force it. Either it'll work or it won't. That's what sucks so bad about LDR's not enough time together, try to make everything perfect when you are together which adds an ungodly amount of stress then if something goes wrong in that short amount of time it just sits there and festers untill it boils over then y'all have a big blow out

[Herbie123]

We have spoken daily since he’s gone. But only if I contact him.

He’s not contacted me today. And I don’t intend to initiate it. It might sound petty but I really feel like I make all effort and get nothing in return.

beginning to wander if it’s worth it. Maybe just took me slightly longer to see than it did for him.

[Jillstrand23]

We have spoken daily since he’s gone. But only if I contact him.

He’s not contacted me today. And I don’t intend to initiate it. It might sound petty but I really feel like I make all effort and get nothing in return.

beginning to wander if it’s worth it. Maybe just took me slightly longer to see than it did for him.

 

If he broke up with you then he needs to be the one initiating a reconcilliation. GOOD LUCK !!!!!

[Herbie123]

Yes he did. And I’m trying to hard just to

Leave it be. It’s now been 2 days with no contact at all. When in these 6 years we haven’t gone more than a few hours without speaking. It’s impossible and heartbreaking. But I can’t keep chasing someone. Trying to keep myself busy but it’s so hard not to contact him.

[No1]

So you are happy the 4 days you see him and miserable the days you don't see him? So begs the question.. Is all this worth it? Are you happy?

 

Ive been in LDR before and they are pretty easy but hard at the same time. Eventually its going to come to a fork in the road, we do something about the distance or we let things go. Sounds like he is waiting for you to decide and you are waiting for him to decide. As a guy, I would rather have the girl break up with me and that way I think the pain is less for her. She will be hurt, but since she did the breaking up it wont be as bad as me hurting her. (just what I used to do)

 

I know that after 6 years you don't want to let this go so easily or give up. I mean 6yrs is a long time to just end it so where do you go from here? Either you move to him or he moves to you. If he is not ready or doesn't want to or is hesitant on moving to you then what do you think will change his mind in 12 months? I think you two need to have a real talk about what each other wants and if its being together, then figure out how to close the distance. If one of you is not committed to working it out then the relationship is doomed.

 

Maybe you should decide what is best for you.