Progress, kinda, maybe, still, blegh

[1a1a]

A week ago I was overcome with the masochistic impulse to find out what my exs new lady friend looks like. Couldn't find her, hated myself for wasting the time looking, found annoying image crafting post instead.

 

Today I was working a job with one of the facebook friends he has who has lady friend's name (there's more than one). As soon as I see her and remember I find myself wondering, "what if it's her? What if it's not? What does it even matter?!!! It won't make any difference, you're still gonna be broken up". Anxious making, and it put that question back in my mind. When he stopped by to help with the set up, I asked him to put a face to the name....knowing full well it's none of my business, and it makes no difference. He's pretty obliging so now I know it's neither of the people he's facebook friends with, he doesn't actually have her on facebook. But when asked if they have upgraded to proper dating yet he said he thought yes. Disappointed in the moment, of course, but not reduced to hysterical crying this time.

 

In between job one and job two, I found my mind wandering, "why does he make time for her, when he never made time for me, how is that fair? Of course they are close now, they're able to be affectionate and intimate Every Single Day!!! (Where he couldn't even find time to see me once a week.) They're probably flooded with oxytocin by now. He's still not had to go out of his way for her. Will he? He didn't go out of his way for me. I hope the new relationship energy wears off fast and they have an awful time! Why do I even care? He didn't make time to see me because he wasn't drawn to, because the right feeling for that was already gone. And above all else, why do I keep thinking about this?" I feel distaste at Myself! I want to brush this feeling off of me like so much gross venue dust.

 

And I thought I ought to pick up epic long running TV series we were watching together and finish it by myself. When we broke the first time, neither of us watched on, and so when we started spending more time together we were able to pick it up where we left off. But that's obviously leaving room for this person to come back. And I need to not do that. I'm not really a number deleting, photograph burning kind of person, but it would be pretty fantastic if this had the same effect.

 

At the end of job two the urge to check out lady friend on facebook is back. Whyyyyyyy?! Knowing will bring no happiness, only probably misery. I tried searching for her name and found someone who miiiight be her, right age, has a baby. Immediate is the thought "didn't even want to see me once a week but now fully domesticated with a woman who has a baby?!" (maybe, I don't even know if I found the right person, why oh ever loving why am I spending my precious life on this fools errand?!) The thoughts of why not for me keep coming back like a damn boomerang. They are always chased with "because he didn't feel that way about you" but it doesn't get him out of my head or take away the vague stabbing feeling in my chest.

 

I just want to be over this. All I want in this world. Don't even care about having a partner anymore.

 

 

 

After thought. I asked him how he does feel about me, he said "I like you". He didn't ask me how I feel about him. I don't know if I like him anymore, he doesn't really ever give me anything to like. I don't remember what it was like to have positive interactions with him.

[ThatwasThen]

Did you know that "zero" contact means within your own head as well.

 

What, if anything are you doing to change your obsessive thoughts of him, who he's with and what he's doing? Currently you are stagnating your own self from getting to that blissful stage of indifference to him with all of this fixating on him that you're doing.

 

... and BTW: Not finishing a Netflix series is NOT leaving a door open to him, your fixation on him is what is leaving a door open.

[Dominique]

I would encourage you to stop talking to or seeing him and anything at all that has to do with him.

 

One thing I repeat to myself often is "it doesn't matter.." Who he's seeing, what he's doing, if he's happy or sad.... It doesn't matter.

 

What matters is ME. How I am. How I am feeling. What I am doing. How I will be happy today. How I will take care of myself today.

 

Cry. Journal. Go to therapy. And focus as much as possible on what matters. YOU MATTER.

[1a1a]

Thatwasthen, stagnating is the word. Psychologist said you can’t fight thoughts, you should acknowledge them and let them pass. I can’t say that I found that idea very helpful. How do I fight obsessive thoughts?

 

Dominique, ‘it doesn’t matter’ is already present in my internal monologue. But need, more, a mantra for moving on *hopes*. But more important, I haven’t consciously tried turning my focus back on me (it happens happenstance sometimes. (like ‘I’m going to do x then y then z and I can catch up with friend and practice guitar and today’s going to be good’ grounding exercise). Thank you for tangible suggestion

 

And thank you both for taking the time to reply, I very much appreciate it.