she tells me she still loves me...?

[Life101]

Hi, this might be a little long so bear with me plz. I am 20 right now and have had a few relationships but not too many because i don't date frequently because i'm selective. My ex and i went out for about a good 7-8 months and got extremely close. Here is where it gets complicated...she was 26 at the time, just recently divorced and had a 3 yr old daughter. Now most of you are thinking that what am i doing with a person like that!?

 

But that is the most messed up thing, i didn't plan on dating her or anything when i first saw her(she worked with me) so we would spend a lot of time together just to talk and stuff but long story short i fell for her as she did for me...but i never let the L word come out (eventhough i did love her because i had never felt this way about ne one else) until she said one day that she was "falling in love" with me...but things fell apart because she needed to "figure things out" about her divorce, daughter etc..and couldn't have a relationship ne more..."it was catching up to her" according to her. But she still says she loves me but doesn't know if she can be in a relationship or not....and just recently i found that from her that she is going to move away to New mexico because her ex is going to school there so she has to move to because of their daughter(she doesnt want her to be w.out her father)

 

Ne way, so i am stuck between thoughts and screwed..i felt like i had betrayed my heart for even going after this girl(but she was the one who inititiated the attraction). Well now my heart is broken and her moving away doesnt help me much at all because now im sure their might not be ne room to get back together. She avoids me and spends very little time with if that..but she is really phyisically attracted to me still so i'm just confused now...i dont know what to do, it has never happen to me before. I mean everyday i wake up thinking about her and tried every excercise in the book not to but just can't help it. and i know it will pass with time but i still feel that i wish i could do somehting to make her stay, to make her realize what shes giving up. because her problem was that she was never treated nice until now, and i feel i could treat her with the respect and dignity but i dont think she can reciprocate to me. So i have to think about my self so what should i do?

[Artist]

My boyfriend of 41/2 years just left me, after telling me how much he loved me one Sunday and was with another girl the next Sunday, he now lives with her 2 weeks later. If people are immature, messed up or don't know how to love, I think you should not let yourself get dragged down by them. You desrve someone who's 100%, menally stable, mature enough to love and accept love. i've tried to love this man who was always selfish and now he left and acts as though what he's done is okay. he doesn't even understand how wrong he's acting, how hurtful. You can always meet this kind of people and you have to be careful. Don't get involved. Get distance and "no contact" is what everyone advises me and I think it's the same for you. The fact that she's leaving will be a blessing in disguise. The way that you overcome obstacles is important in life. Treat youself, among others with respect and don't let people drag you down, you deserve better and will find someone who will commit to you and be wonderful, patience is tough-I hate it too, and apparently time heals (don't ask me how long-I wonder too), but distract yourself to exhaustion and workout until you fall asleep at night exhausted and oneday you'll wake up and not even think of her.

[Life101]

hey thanks for the reply! i am in a really crazy situation but i can't even imagine your pain u must be going through because the time you spent with urs...i just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing seems pleasurable, i used to be a fun loving guy who love to make people life and make them happy. But i was raised to respect and love women and am very emotional especially this time because i really fell in love cuz i couldve done ne thing for her..something i haven't or done for ne body else in my past..how can people be so cruel? how can they rip your heart and eat it for breakfast? and i gave her my virginity(although i wanted to wait till my marriage just because of my religion) but temptation and will power became weak. i knew what i wanted, but she's most immature 26 yr old ive ever met...and i still love her. haha what is wrong with me! ...and i don't drink or smoke so i dont have ne way to relieve stress...yeah i know those are bad for you ne way but thats how most of my older friends have coped with divorces..etc..i just dont know how to deal with this waking up and thinking about her routine...like theres always a brutal flashback in my mind all the time when i wake up..how can i move one?

[Rainz]

It never ceases to amaze me the way other can handle us and out hearts within relationships. Sorry to hear of your pain.

I would say to take one day at a time now, until you feel strong enough to pick up the pieces of your life.

You say you don't drink or smoke....are you religious? I suffered a break up over a month ago and I don't know where I'd be without prayer, my bible and church. Hang in there.

[Life101]

yes i am fairly religious and pray every day to help me get through this. But i just don't know how let myself get into a situation like this. On the other hand she isn't religious at all and has very little will power..(she gave up smoking when she was with me for a while and then started up again because she can't handle stress) but i was with her mentally and physically and always gave whatever she wanted. i let myself become vulnerable while i was with wihout even realizing it. But i was happy just being with her..i felt really good but she always wanted to go out and seemed like she didn't care about my feelings sometimes...but no use in cryin' now, i just ignored all the signs i guess, now she tells me what we did was a mistake and she doesn't feel right being with me...there isn't an hour that goes by not thinking about her..what is wrong with me

[michelemybell]

Hi There,

Nothing is wrong with you. Someone you cared about hurt you. What you are experiencing is a normal reaction, which most of us here have gone through. Sometimes it can take years to recover (hopefully that wont be the case, but it does happen). Just try to take care of yourself and do things. Dont wait until that monkey is off your back.

 

If you're religious or spiritual, try to look at it this way. Somebody was looking after you and knew this wasn't right for you. That Somebody wants you to be happy and knew this woman wasn't making you feel right in a good way. That Somebody intervened and saved you.

 

Take care, Michele

[Life101]

no i think something seriously is wrong with me..because today she called me and wanted to see how i was doing and i told her ok, and wanted to meet up and so we met up at her apartment and then we started talking about things and she started to look at me seductively..and i asked her what she was thinkin and she started complementing me on the shirt i was wearing and we started to feel eachother up but we quickly stopped and said that things will get complicated but...what i don't realize is that why the hell am i so weak/whipped?? i have never been this way b4..she says that she still is in love with me and has feelings for me but she can't do this because she wants a new start and the whole story...i just don't know what else to do...just when im bout to hate her...i feel vulnerable and go to her when she calls, i hate it, and i wanna stop it! i pray to God to make me stronger but i end going back but we didn't have sex so that was good i guess. but i dont know what to do, just so caught up.

[Life101]

i am trying the no contact but how do i trick my emotions to not pick up th e phone and be at her beck and call? i've lost interest in doing activities..what should i do?

[michelemybell]

It just takes a strong will. And each time you get that urge to contact her, distract yourself into something else quickly. That urge will pass.

If you feel like you can't function, therapy is always a wise choice. But if that isn't possible, just make yourself keep a schedule and do things even if you dont feel like it. Action should come before the motivation to do something.

Just remember that you're going through the worst part right now. Just grin and bear it, go through all the emotions. You'll come out the other end of the tunnel soon. Trust me on this one!

[Life101]

i feel kind of hopeless in love...remembering my first girlfriend a long time ago, i felt that i could be with her for the rest of our lives, but apparently she didn't think so, and that really broke my heart since i had never experienced that before..that was when i was 15..and now that i am 21, i finally felt like i connection with a girl who had the same feelings for me and before u know it, history repeated itself. Funny thing is in both relationship, i had not done ne thing wrong (never lied, cheated, etc) but just said that they can't be in a relationship anymore "figure things out." i just don't know what it is, everytime i fall for somebody they end up leaving but when somebody falls for me, i can't reciprocate..i'm screwed. It affected my life then 6 yrs ago and now the same thing is happening to me now..eventhough ive had relationships inbetween..

[michelemybell]

I think you have the same problem that most people have--especially on this board! When you're in a relationship and you want that person, they dont really want you...and when the other person really likes you, you dont want them. I think the only time when people seem to be on the same wavelength is during the honeymoon stage of a relationship. A relationship will last if two people can work through those normal ebbs and flows of interest/disinterest.

Married people go through the same thing---They dont always love the person they are with 100% of the time. But successful couples just learn to deal with it together. They dont run away.

Dont worry--You are still really young. You will meet someone and it will work for both of you.

[heloladies21]

Relax man, the best thing for you to do at this point is No Contact. If you have the urge to vent, come here and post. Call up a friend instead. Plenty of things to keep your mind off of her. Go to the gym, dress up in cool clothes, hobbies, work/school, and party like there's no tomorrow. Meet other girls, just talk to them.

 

She's making a decision to leave town so it looks like a dead issue in my eyes. Work on healing up and leave her in the past.

[Life101]

thanks for the support guys, i reallly do appreciate it. It's just that maybe since we're both from different cultures and lifestyles, we probably had different perspectives. I personally thought i gave everything she needed..but for some reason i thought she was different. I know No Contact is the best thing to do but i keep thinking about her so much that whenever she calls i jump to ansewr her call, something i never did b4..it's so hard to trust the right person..

[Life101]

im sorry i dont want to sound like a broken record..but today i woke up again and kept having flashbacks..how do i control that..i dont want to dream about her ne more...its affecting everything i do. While she's out there partying and going clubbing im stuck in a rut, i could be doing the same thing but i just don't feel like it at all. She doesnt even seem to be even remotely remorseful...how can i not see this coming! i mean how do you trust people enough in a relationship so you don't get hurt?

[michelemybell]

You'll have thoughts, dreams, flashbacks...the whole nine yards after a breakup. It's just normal. If I had something magic to give you to make it all go away, I'd bottle it and sell it on ebay. But the fact is there is nothing that will make those feelings and emotions go away. It's the normal process of letting go of something you really care about.

 

You just gotta put yourself now on a higher pedestal than you have put her on, and take care of yourself...even if you dont feel like it. Trust me, you'll look back on this time one day and wish you didn't waste so much time not doing anything because of this girl. I also have a feeling that once you start doing your own thing (even if you still have thoughts about her) and dont always cave in when she wants you to, she'll then be wondering why you are showing as much interest in her and come sniffing around.

 

Definitely watch the movie "Swingers" (It's based around the theme of swing dancing). The movie deals with a guy who is going through the same thing as you and how he got out of it.

Anyways, hang in there. You are just going through the worst part. It gets better.

Michele

[Life101]

Thanks for the movie suggestion....i just don't know when to trust my instinct ne more. Cuz when i started with her, my mind was telling me "this will end in a disaster" but my instinct was "What if it didn't"? i guess i have to suffer the consequences for my own judgement. How do i raise my self esteem back up again...i hate being down in the dumps..especially for a person who has no respect for my feelings. She's conceited too, she tells me that she flirts with guys just to get free drinks.

[michelemybell]

I think most of us know instinctively that the person we are with is bad news and something isn't right but we let our heart take over instead of listening to our brain. Dont beat yourself up over it and dont consider it wasted time. You need experiences like that to learn from, and life would be dull if it was just a linear straight line. It will make you wiser in your next relationship.

 

You say she has no respect for your feelings, she's conceited and even flirts with guys just to get free drinks. Is this the kind of person you want to have in your life and being married to and raising your children? Do you want to feel crappy for the rest of your living days with a person like this? Consider this breakup a blessing. You are unable to see it now, but you have been spared a miserable life with someone who isn't that nice, isn't reliable and trustworthy. Right now its your heart and ego talking, and that's going to take some time to get over.

 

This is what kinda got me through my own breakup. Sit down and write out all the things you want to do with your life--your goals/aspirations, things you'd like to change, things you've always wanted to do but never did. Then write out a plan of action and go do them! Even if you are depressed, action comes before the motivation. It will change the way you feel. I guarantee it. You will feel more powerful in your life, rather than powerless to your ex.

Hope this helps a little.

Michele

[auburnslp]

Michele, fantastic replies to this thread-Life, I would listen closely to Michele, she is completely right...good luck and God Bless...Michael

[Life101]

i was at work yesterday and she left a message..so i heard it and sounded really important so i called her up and we agreed to have lunch(yeah i know im breakin nc but she sounded serious). so we sat down and talked and she said that i need to let her go then i asked her, if you have the feelings for me and tell me that your in love with me then why do this. She says it will hurt a lot later if i don't her go now. Since she didnt take time to regain herself after her divorce, she wasn't fully recovered when with me but she swears that i wasnt a rebound and that her feelings were geniune but she says that its best if we try to move on because she is not ready to date yet and doesnt want me torturing myself waiting around. Since shes older, shes more experienced in heartaches and says that she is not over me too and but knows how to handle it. But i think no matter how much i maybe in love with her, i can't put her before me. Please pray for me and help me get my will stronger. Thank you for all your support, u dont know how much it means to me.

[auburnslp]

I am very sorry...and I can relate 100%-sounds like my situation exactly. Last year, after 3 years, my girl broke it off-she was never able to reconcile her divorce. Said she loves me and always will, wants to be with me, but can't because she has to figure out what God wants her to do-in my mind that meant a reconciliation with her ex husband. Well, here we are a year later, after zero contact for 8 months, and we have finally talked it all out, and I have my answers, and it is exactly what you just described-it seems we are never going to be together, evn though she and her ex aren't yet together-I think that fact is surprising to her, and I think she still won't be with me in case he ever decides to come back to her. It's very tough coming in second, even when I think she would rather be with me. I respect her for her faith and conviction, and finally I am at peace with it all-I no longer hate her for hurting me.

 

Anyway, it is hard for me, and I am sure how hard it must be for you. My girl is also older-our situations really sound very similar, except yours is just beginning, while mine is finally just ending. I'll always miss her. But for me, as it is for you, all we can do is try to move on.

 

Good luck, try to keep your head above water. Try to keep in mind that if it was really meant to be, it would be. But it isn't, so we have no choice but to plod ahead and get through it all. Personally I am taking this time to become close with God. Whatever works-and I haven't tried this yet. Tried everything else from drinking to serial dating...nothing worked, I am hoping this will...My best-Michael

[Life101]

thanks auburnslp for your post. Can you tell me what goes through their head..i mean they don't realize that their playing with hearts not toys, i mean how can humans act like animals? don't they care about what they are doing to the other person? What drives a person to this? is it that they just got out of a divorce and can't bear to be with themselves so they find somebody to be with until their lonliness comes off? Then i wouldn't understand how a person can make someone go through like that? i mean when they say that "i have to take some time for myself now" but act totally normal around you like nothing happened. I am just extremely disappointed in my self because ever since i left my first relationship at age 15 i told myself that only love somebody who is worthy and now 5-6 years later on dating other people and NOT saying "i love you" casually..this is what i get..just when i finally figured out what love was to me, it stabbed me in the back..i know most poeple are saying ur only 20 u dont know what love is but i personally think i collected valuable information from my previous relationships to find out what love was...But guess not...

[taarna]

I don't think we EVER gather enough information from past relationships regarding Love.

 

It changes you and the way you view things.

[Empathy]

I only read the subject line and felt compelled to reply. DON'T LISTEN TO HER! Ignore it and move on. I made the mistake of listening to my ex when he said he still loved me. We ended up getting back together and he ripped my heart out 3 months later. He broke up with me and met someone a week later. He's been with this girl for over a month now and it's serious. I've never dealt with so much pain in my life. I'm serious. I wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning and he's the first thing on my mind. So I cry myself back to sleep almost every morning. For your sake, ingnore it. Please!

[Life101]

That is EXACTly how i feel...i sometimes wake up at 5 or 6 thinking about her and the pain just kills me because shes not with me and worst part is that she doesnt even care about the rut im in...all she does is flirt with other guys and text them all the time...i mean she was 27 yrs old...but age doesnt necessarily mean maturity. i am in so much pain...it hurts like hell..its the weekend and all my friends are hanging out with their gf's. All i wanna do is lie in bed.

[auburnslp]

I'm sorry to hear of your pain. And I know exactly how you feel. My situation almost a year ago now was just like that, except I would wake up at 3 am and not get back to sleep. I was like the walking dead at work for a very long time. At least you are sleeping a little bit.

 

I would suggest getting out as much as you can. Alone time is important as well. Lie in bed, cry, let it out. Take the time you need but then get out of that bed and go grab a beer or a coffee, talk with any friends that will listen to your pain-your family can be invaluable. My mom supported me through that whole awful time, and while it didn't fix the pain, it felt good to let it out.

 

Just time will help. And until it does, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Good luck...Michael