Torn between a healthy love and my sons mom

[Nontradstudent]

Hello, I am looking for advice. Here is my dillemma:

 

Backstory in brief:

My high school girlfriend (and first love) and I broke up before my son was born while we were both teenagers. I did not know he was mine. I returned to the state they both lived in and attempted to reconcile things for a couple of years but to no avail. She chose an older guy over me and got married. Eight years later she divorced him and, as I jad just ended yet another relationship, confessed that she still was in love with me. It seemed very genuine, but I was conflicted because I had worked hard to emotionally move on, and also I was in a very different place in life from her. Where she became an essentially stay-at-home mom with a second son, I returned to school to become a scientist.

 

Current situation:

While maintaining a closely friendly relationship with my sons mom, I have been engaged in a long distance relationship with someone who I have a great deal in common with for over two years. Although the distance (across multiple states) has been very hard, we see each other every couple of months or so, and we have pretty good chemistry when we do. That said, the sexual/physical chemistry is not on par with what I feel I still have for my sons mom. We also plan to work toward relocating nearer eachother once I finish my professional studies. However, I have been steadily thinking more and more about my sons mom, who continues to insinuate that she still holds me in high regard, which makes me somewhat emotionally distant. This recently culminated in my visiting her at the bar she was having a party for a friend at whereafter I ended up sleeping next to her, fully clothed, but with my arm around her and smelling her hair. This has thrown me into a heightened state of anxiety and I am smoking cigarettes relentlessly as I try to work through what I should do. To elucidate other stresses in my situation briefly: I am in a long distance relationship, have my son full time (by mutual non-court agreement), and am trying to finish a professional degree in the next year.

 

The dilemma:

I love my current girlfriend on many levels, and she is completely invested in me. But for the last several months, and especially the last two weeks I have strongly pulled away and I havent told her the truth about the aforementioned event because she has become ok/good friends with my ex. She does not know I still have strong feelings for her. We have talked about taking a break to which she has tearfully responded that this would render her incapable of pursuing her job. She would just quit and move back in with her mom. I have just told her that I need to rethink what we are doing and I am having doubts about our future. I know that this is because, as long as I am holding onto my ex, I will not be able to fully invest in her. And over the last year I have been thinking about my ex more and more. On the other hand, my ex leads a very different, if compelling and exciting, lifestyle that I am not certain I will be able to keep up with. I don't know what to do...

 

If more details are requested I will be happy to oblige. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Time for another cigarette.

[abitbroken]

I would not move states away to be with a girlfriend you see every few months. You will regret not being around for your child as he grows up.

 

We have talked about taking a break to which she has tearfully responded that this would render her incapable of pursuing her job. She would just quit and move back in with her mom.

 

She sounds a bit unstable if she will quit her career if she doesn't have you. She should be strong enough to continue on with her dreams with or without you with no emotional blackmail.

 

If you are pining for your ex, then i would quit seeing the long distance girlfriend as painful as it may be because its not fair to her that you have feelings for your ex. You may have a chance to give your child a stable family and homelife as well.

[abitbroken]

On the other hand, my ex leads a very different, if compelling and exciting, lifestyle that I am not certain I will be able to keep up with. I don't know what to do...

 

If her "different lifestyle" is that she is focusing on raising her kids, I know many successful couples where one stays home to care for the children and is support to the career of their spouse. I am not saying marry your ex tomorrow, but she doesn't have to be a scientist for it to work out. it is partly because of you - if you think about it - she kept the baby and raised your child while you were out of state moving on with your life. If you stuck around and coparented, she could have had a lifestyle that matched yours.

[ThatwasThen]

I am in a long distance relationship, have my son full time (by mutual non-court agreement), and am trying to finish a professional degree in the next year.

May I ask how it is that she would give you full time custody of your son? What kind of "exciting lifestyle" is she leading that she wouldn't at least, want joint custody?

 

I agree with abitbroken that your long distance g/f sounds a tad 'off' if she can't even finish her schooling if you're not in her life. Very immature and codependent IMO. You don't know her very well either if you're only seeing one another as little as you say you are.