Can I re-ignite the sexual spark?

[Ark68]

I'm 30 years old been with my 27 year old girlfriend for 2 1/2 years. Our relationship started off on a very rocky road. I was a horrible communicator and bad at explaining myself, which led to all different kinds of issues. I had only been in one serious relationship over a decade ago (And this is her first ever), otherwise I only had short term relationships. None of these had much communication or understanding of what the other person wants. So when it came to falling in love with my current girlfriend I unknowingly became very reserved, shut off and honestly...boring. I was a selfish person my whole life (only child with a very protective mother and no other family) and this sadly became part of our relationship. I've found the negative in myself and changed whole life lessons in this time. We've been through a lot and we have made so much progress in forgiving and learning about each other, but the excitement for her sexually is still not there. She feels she had to beg for me to change so now it's all "cheapened". I developed a serious performance anxiety when it came to fulfilling a sexual fantasy (that we tried and I failed at once) that it took me months to not think of myself as a failure. We've had some great sex in this time but this important fantasy to her has not been done and now she wants to do it with someone else. Is there any hope for us?. There's no doubt in my mind I love this woman with all my heart and I want to devote my life to her, but if she doesn't feel this all my love and caring for her means nothing. Thanks for any advice!

[Krankor]

So she is unwilling to give her fantasy another go with you?

 

I dunno; it sounds as if she'd be willing to toss the relationship aside over this one fantasy. No sex would be a deal-breaker for me, but I would never consider throwing a good relationship with a woman I was in love with over one fantasy or fetish she wasn't into.

 

I think you should tell her that you want to work this out and are willing to work on your sex life together, but only if she is as committed to this relationship as you are.

[Ark68]

We tried once and failed, and I let fear get the best of me and didn't offer to try again till much much later. Now it's a bad time of year to try this and she says I sucked the fun out of it cause it tooks so long. I feel like a loser but I know I can perform now..I'm just worried its too late.

[Krankor]

We tried once and failed, and I let fear get the best of me and didn't offer to try again till much much later. Now it's a bad time of year to try this and she says I sucked the fun out of it cause it tooks so long. I feel like a loser but I know I can perform now..I'm just worried its too late.

Do you think she is intentionally making you feel like a loser?

 

I don't have a lot of context and I don't know what kind of tone she is taking when she says that you "ruined it" for you, but it kind of sounds like she being not terribly nice or understanding with you, at least on this issue.

 

If you have a woman who is making you feel bad about yourself that is a problem.

[Unreasonable]

Now it's a bad time of year to try this

Bad time of year? Okay, can you be more specific of what this is because it sounds VERY specific. More context.

[ThatwasThen]

You two are not sexually compatible by all accounts (I've read your g/f's thread as well). I suggest you break up with her because if she's told you that if you don't join her in this outside sex fantasy of hers, she's going to get someone who will. Can you live with someone that threatens you into submission like that? No need to answer that here.

 

I ask her this question and she didn't answer: What does she do, if anything, seduce you into being willing and able to join her in it?

 

Does she ever initiate or be seductive with you?