just needed to get this off my chest ( a letter to no one)

[sfindependent]

Today, I felt compelled to write to you. I'm almost 99.9999 percent sure I won't send this to you, but I feel as if, should at least write it down.

 

You may be wondering, after all this time, I all of a sudden write to you. It's partly therapeutic. It's partly closure. it's partly a last hurrah to express and quell any doubts you've had over my feelings towards you. It's a lot of partly's, but it's 100% an expression of how much i love and feel for you, and us.

 

It's funny. i've stood in the shower so many times; mumbled to myself in traffic, reciting things I would want to say to you the moment the opportunity arises. Anger. Resentment. Explanations. It's all part of my journey to heal from the heartbreak and grief over the loss of our connection, or what was left of it by the time we had broken up. By the time we parted, I was numb. I was angry. I was mad at you for so many things. But at the end, I was mad at myself. But I couldn't, and have never been able to stay mad at you. That's not how I loved you. I love you beyond myself. I loved you beyond the pettiness. I can forgive you for almost anything.

 

After we broke up, I threw myself into a world of introspection. I wanted to find out why i did the things I did to you, especially since i repeatedly said I cared for you the way i did. i lied to you about E and L. I know those were egregious. I will forever be apologetic and sorry about that. I know it planted the seed of doubt between us, and I will always regret it. I acknowledge those mistakes I made and I hope one day, you'd find the love to forgive me.

 

Up to now, I don't know what led me to lie about them, although I can still honestly say I've not slept with either, nor with those whom you were so worried I'd fall victim to temptation while you were away. You were always my number one. The whole world knew it. I knew it. Each one of my friends, family and the people I've surrounded myself with loved me and my friendship with them and were happy, supportive and encouraged the love I have for you. They weren't on the sidelines "waiting" as you had said. They were on the sidelines cheering but also making sure I didn't lose myself and who i was as a person. Despite our arguments and differences, i never ran out of kind words to say to them about you. I admired you and would want the whole world to admire you and envy me for being with the love of my life. Everyone knew I chose willfully to give my heart to you.

 

But I also valued their friendship, their input and their presence around me. It did hurt me every time you made me choose between you and my friends. I would never make you choose between people that you love.

 

During this journey I'm taking, I realized why i became distant. why I became the man who seemed disinterested in your life; someone who preferred to live the single blessed life as opposed to someone who was supposed to build a life with a partner. I became resentful through my own insecurities. I became wrapped up in anger. Each argument we had, I became weary. But I was also scared and alone, and in turn subconsciously distanced myself from you. When you started your path of self improvement when you were in Australia, I felt happy for you. But at the same time, I felt left behind. There you were travelling the world, becoming healthy, becoming enlightened over mindfulness and health, and I was at home missing you and wishing that we were together. It wasn't that I wasn't willing to participate in these things, but i felt resentful that you were doing so without me. I feared that by the time you got home, you'd be an entirely different person and I'd have to traverse a longer path to catch up with you. Even more so, what I was able bring to the table wasn't as of value as I thought it would be, to you. Who i was, what i was, and what I can bring to our relationship felt doubted and devalued. I was proud of my own path in life. I did not need to feel as if where I was at the time was of no worth to you. You did not need to bring me down to encourage me to join you on your path.

 

But those. Those were my insecurities. I apologize for placing them on to you, and even more sorry for my part in our relationship where I know I SHOULD and COULD have been more present but wasn't. Deep inside I was mad you were so far ahead, but even deeper down I knew that it's not up to you to catch up, it was up to me to step up and follow suit.

 

I love you, and I understand things may never be the same. You may never want to be part of my life. I'm sure you've moved on, and if you haven't, are in the process of removing negativity in your life, me included. That is something I've to live with, and live with it I will.

 

I want you to know that I've spent these past few months reflecting and trying to improve what needs to improve, and I thank you for that. instead of wallowing and turning to my usual coping mechanisms, I am choosing a different, higher path.

 

I remember you asking after we broke up, why I was willing to go to Mt. Shasta with my friends. You believed that "if I wasn't willing to go to shasta with you, but am willing to go with my friends WITHOUT you", as if it was some blow against your ego and who you were as a person and a partner; that i was willing to go with them and not with you. I've never been as open to my feelings with anyone as I have with you and I will maintain my stance "i needed you to ease me into it". I was fearful and reluctant and by the end of the rope, i felt punished for my wrong doings. I couldn't trust you to make me feel comfortable and willing to go beyond my comfort level without feeling judged. i felt alone in this relationship just as much as you probably did.

 

I say this now, not to put blame on you, but to give rest to your anger from the choices I seemed to make between you and my friends. I'm sorry, but I am only human to have felt pushed away. I know i didn't do a good job, and i regret that every day.

 

But that's not where it ends for me. You see, I believe in love. And i love you.

 

From this, i draw the courage to go beyond what I am comfortable doing. For you or someone like you in my future, I am determined to become someone whom I could be the right partner, and i am inspired by you. your words of love and concern help me find my path. the love i have fuels the intensity for me to continue this dreadful endeavor. I'm also scared but willing to go address why i treated you the way i did; distant and poorly. I plan to attend group therapy for harm reduction to address my drinking as well.

 

I started to look at more meaningful activities. I decided to try yoga. For years, I have loosely followed Buddhism and it's path to happiness and non attachment. I wake up at 6am, 2-3x a week to practice body and mindfulness. I decided to follow my passion of cycling, picked up wall climbing and have been more active than ever. Your passion for life and wanderlust inspires me to go beyond my world. The fire within me has always been there, but having been with you helps me focus.

 

I started seeing a therapist, attending some mindfulness classes and meditation groups. I want to know how my attitude and my past affects my future. I want to be more aware of my own behavior. If I had hurt someone whom I say I cared for deeply, my actions need to change and my words need to become softer and more supportive. I've started reading up how to communicate effectively with partners. I periodically read our angry texts and realize our intent to show and ask for love was there, but the words we've used were sharp and hurtful. I apologize for it.

 

I also started studying, I passed my ethics test and now am in the process of taking my licensure exam. Receiving my license may open up doors for my future and whomever would want to share it with me. It won't be for a while, but I do know it will come to fruition.

 

I wish we could resolve our differences. I wish we met at the right time. I wish nothing more than to redo our entire relationship with a wider look at myself. But i am happy nonetheless. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being part of my life and reminding me that I can love, and I can love whole heartedly. I am human to err, but I know I can forgive myself and you. I hope you can, me too. I forgive you for your shortcomings, love you even more for it. We both had our hands in the cookie jar and I am sorry for my part in this.

 

While I have to come to terms that I may never be YOUR person, I hope someday I'd be at least A person to you.

 

I hope this letter finds you well.