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Shyness, High Sensitivity and the courage to be yourself


CountVronsky

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I've been lurking on this forum for awhile and been reading the posts on here. I can highly relate to a lot of the struggles you face and I thought I'd just put in my two cents of wisdom that I've gained over the years.

 

I'm 34 years old. Average looking. Naturally born shy person who is also highly sensitive and perceptive. In my 20s, I went out a lot. I had a lot of guy friends and would go out drinking at bars and clubs 2-3 times a week. I became an alcoholic. I loved the effects of alcohol and the fact that it broke me out of shyness. But the only results I got was the ability to make friends with guys. It didn't work with girls. Girls think differently. I think they can detect somehow that I was a shy, insecure guy who hid behind the veneer of dutch courage.

 

And that's the point I'm trying to make. Being a naturally shy, bashful person for as long as I can remember, trying to be someone you're not doesn't work. You may be able to fool guys but girls can smell inauthenticity from a mile away. Believe me, I tried. I tried to be the popular guy. I tried to be the life of the party. I tried to be the social leader of the pack. All that ended up happening was I'd get roaringly drunk multiple times a week that did a real number on my physical appearance and health and in the end, it got me no girls. All that happened was watching the other guys who naturally have an outgoing and energetic personality get the girls until I was the only single guy left. Even my close guy friends, many of whom are naturally shy, managed to find someone. All except me.

 

In any social situation, there's always some social butterfly guy who seems like the life of the party. As a shy guy, you feel invisible and you desperately want to be part of the spotlight and get noticed and so you make desperate attempts to try and try. But you're not really feeling it inside because all your actions are coming from a place of insecurity and fear rather than a feeling of inspiration and confidence. Sometimes you'll have minor successes but they are never long-lasting. And other times, it's worse than just being invisible, people will think you're aloof and you become an outcast.

 

As a shy person, you have to be brave enough to carve out your own unique path in life, even if often times you're the only one walking it. Because that's authentic. That's you. Even if no one notices and all the girls are noticing the social butterfly guys and the alpha males. So anyone you do encounter along the way, they will see your authentic self. I tried and wasted a lot of time and money in my 20s and I'm sad I didn't realize this sooner.

 

I now devote my time and money to taking action. The keyword here is action. Because I'm shy and I can't think of funny or interesting stuff to say to girls I've just met, I prefer to let my actions do the talking. That means getting to know myself and figuring out what I really enjoy. Being a highly sensitive person, I've always been heavily into music and the arts in general. I take ballroom dancing lessons. I go to a local dance school where I train 3-4 times per week. At home, I play the guitar and I hope to find people to play with someday and maybe form an amateur band. For sports, I play recreational soccer.

 

Instead of going out to bars and getting drunk, I go out social dancing. There are lots of girls and you don't have to talk. Most of them are glad to dance with you and so there's not a lot of conversation involved. Instead of going to the gym and being a juicehead like those alpha guys showing off their muscles, I go out jogging and I play in a soccer rec league. And at home, I chill and relax by playing the guitar. And because alcohol is not a part of my life anymore, I've lost a ton of weight and my skin looks better and so I'm more physically attractive.

 

The best thing is, this is truly myself. All these hobbies I engage in now, I do them alone as in none of my friends share or like these things. But I'm sick and tired of trying to fit in and do things and be someone I'm not. I'm doing the things that I want to do, even if it means doing them alone. And I'm starting to meet people now who also share these hobbies.

 

I quit facebook cause I'm tired of seeing all the people I used to hang out with in my 20s getting engaged or being with some new hot girl they're dating. I go see my close guy friends and have one or two pints just to catch up but that's it. The rest of the time, I'm engaged with my new hobbies and I'm focusing on my career to make good money so I can continue doing these hobbies (ballroom dancing schools aren't cheap).

 

I haven't run into any girls yet who may be interested in me but I know that when I do, at least now I'm REAL. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. I'm never gonna be that funny guy or the popular guy or the good looking tall guy who never has to do anything but a ton of girls approach him. I'm never gonna be Mr. Charmer who can talk the pants off girls. I embrace my flaws but at least now I'm living my life in a much more authentic way than I was before. They say better late than never.

 

I don't know if this helps anyone. I know sometimes its a tough road of loneliness we shy and sensitive guys are forced to walk but believe me, it's the only way. There are no shortcuts. Sometimes the hard way is the only way.

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Good advise! I too am pretty quiet and super into music - I play the guitar, drums, bass, make beats with Ableton Live, and even got the Access Virus synth which keeps me busy! I was also looking into getting salsa lessons just to try something completely new....

 

Even though I am pretty introverted and into music, I never had problems at all with girls and usually was chased by girls my whole life....I think you are right about just doing what you love, being optimistic, and being true to yourself....That is as "macho" as one can get.....

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Good to hear that! I'm sort of in the same situation. Although I never drank to be someone I am not. But I also needed to accept that I was never going to be cassanova, and that it would make me unhappy anyway.

We live in strange times, with social media and social pressure it's so easy to live a life which you think society wants you to have. Everything needs to be bigger and better and more unique. I figured out I am very happy doing my job, and challenging myself with technical stuff (working on the car, doing some micro electronic stuff, DIY stuff around the house). Having a couple of holidays, having fun with my friends and family, that sort of stuff.

 

The thing is, being yourself is what makes a person attractive. I could name a ton of girls who would go absolutely mental for a quiet guy who plays the guitar. But if that quiet guy suddenly decides to be the life of a party, which would be an act, he suddenly will be less desirable. Same for me, I am a family person and a no nonsense hard worker. There are probably a ton of girls who would definitely want a funny no nonsense hard worker, who takes care of the people around him. But I fell for the trap to view myself as less than ideal, and to be someone else because I thought that would get me further in live.

 

Happiness, in general, really is as simple as being yourself. But man is it hard.

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. I could name a ton of girls who would go absolutely mental for a quiet guy who plays the guitar. But if that quiet guy suddenly decides to be the life of a party, which would be an act, he suddenly will be less desirable.

 

Not if you're short and average looking. Yeah I agree that if you're a good looking guy of good height but you're quiet and artistic, girls would still like you. But if you're all those things but you're short and average looking, then it won't work.

 

Looks is the deciding factor for whether or not a woman would even give you a chance. There has to be something about your appearance that piques her interest for her to even want to get to know you. If the coffee date doesn't even happen, how would she even know all your qualities underneath the surface?

 

That's why good looking douchebags often get the girls. Cause they're given a chance and it isn't until much later that girls find out he's a douche when he was that all along. But he's good looking and so he was given chances and possibly multiple chances.

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Not if you're short and average looking. Yeah I agree that if you're a good looking guy of good height but you're quiet and artistic, girls would still like you. But if you're all those things but you're short and average looking, then it won't work.

 

Looks is the deciding factor for whether or not a woman would even give you a chance. There has to be something about your appearance that piques her interest for her to even want to get to know you. If the coffee date doesn't even happen, how would she even know all your qualities underneath the surface?

 

That's why good looking douchebags often get the girls. Cause they're given a chance and it isn't until much later that girls find out he's a douche when he was that all along. But he's good looking and so he was given chances and possibly multiple chances.

 

 

According to you, why in the world there are still pairs in which a man can be short and with and average appearance?

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According to you, why in the world there are still pairs in which a man can be short and with and average appearance?

 

Hmm, yeah. The logic here sometimes baffles me. "All women are shallow and want a good looking bad boy, I feel so sorry for myself"

 

Two things:

- yeah, some women go for the bad boys. Do they ever find lasting love? No. Until they question themselves why things never work out they will continue to fall for the same trap. Ironically the answer to that why question will probably be something like: I don't appreciate myself, which is why I let myself get treated like by some douchebag who thinks women are for prize collecting. Also for irony, that same douchebag will never find love until he realizes he runs away from his low self esteem by sleeping with a lot of women. So conclusion here: low self esteem shows itself in many forms, and is usually the culprit in a ty love life.

 

- and to OP, ask yourself this: with what mindset do you approach women? Is it something like "she will never like me, because I am short and average looking?" Because women detect that from a mile away. They don't mind being with someone who is short and average looking, hell most women probably don't even see this. They mind being with someone who thinks he is short and average looking.

 

You might, subconsciously, be thinking: what if I admit to myself that I was wrong about this? That it really was me the entire time, not the big bad outside world rejecting me? Think about it this way, admitting you were wrong isn't defeat. It's an important victory on the path of self improvement. Read the book "the subtle art of not giving a ". It's a bit confronting perhaps, but if you are open to improving yourself, it's a good read.

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According to you, why in the world there are still pairs in which a man can be short and with and average appearance?

 

Are these couples Asian? Asian men are shorter than average. And so if the couple is from say China or some other Asian country, the women didn't really have much options. There aren't a lot of white men in China and so they only had shorter men to choose from. Yah there are tall Asian guys in Asia but these guys just like tall men the world over got the pick of the litter.

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