CountVronsky Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 I've been lurking on this forum for awhile and been reading the posts on here. I can highly relate to a lot of the struggles you face and I thought I'd just put in my two cents of wisdom that I've gained over the years. I'm 34 years old. Average looking. Naturally born shy person who is also highly sensitive and perceptive. In my 20s, I went out a lot. I had a lot of guy friends and would go out drinking at bars and clubs 2-3 times a week. I became an alcoholic. I loved the effects of alcohol and the fact that it broke me out of shyness. But the only results I got was the ability to make friends with guys. It didn't work with girls. Girls think differently. I think they can detect somehow that I was a shy, insecure guy who hid behind the veneer of dutch courage. And that's the point I'm trying to make. Being a naturally shy, bashful person for as long as I can remember, trying to be someone you're not doesn't work. You may be able to fool guys but girls can smell inauthenticity from a mile away. Believe me, I tried. I tried to be the popular guy. I tried to be the life of the party. I tried to be the social leader of the pack. All that ended up happening was I'd get roaringly drunk multiple times a week that did a real number on my physical appearance and health and in the end, it got me no girls. All that happened was watching the other guys who naturally have an outgoing and energetic personality get the girls until I was the only single guy left. Even my close guy friends, many of whom are naturally shy, managed to find someone. All except me. In any social situation, there's always some social butterfly guy who seems like the life of the party. As a shy guy, you feel invisible and you desperately want to be part of the spotlight and get noticed and so you make desperate attempts to try and try. But you're not really feeling it inside because all your actions are coming from a place of insecurity and fear rather than a feeling of inspiration and confidence. Sometimes you'll have minor successes but they are never long-lasting. And other times, it's worse than just being invisible, people will think you're aloof and you become an outcast. As a shy person, you have to be brave enough to carve out your own unique path in life, even if often times you're the only one walking it. Because that's authentic. That's you. Even if no one notices and all the girls are noticing the social butterfly guys and the alpha males. So anyone you do encounter along the way, they will see your authentic self. I tried and wasted a lot of time and money in my 20s and I'm sad I didn't realize this sooner. I now devote my time and money to taking action. The keyword here is action. Because I'm shy and I can't think of funny or interesting stuff to say to girls I've just met, I prefer to let my actions do the talking. That means getting to know myself and figuring out what I really enjoy. Being a highly sensitive person, I've always been heavily into music and the arts in general. I take ballroom dancing lessons. I go to a local dance school where I train 3-4 times per week. At home, I play the guitar and I hope to find people to play with someday and maybe form an amateur band. For sports, I play recreational soccer. Instead of going out to bars and getting drunk, I go out social dancing. There are lots of girls and you don't have to talk. Most of them are glad to dance with you and so there's not a lot of conversation involved. Instead of going to the gym and being a juicehead like those alpha guys showing off their muscles, I go out jogging and I play in a soccer rec league. And at home, I chill and relax by playing the guitar. And because alcohol is not a part of my life anymore, I've lost a ton of weight and my skin looks better and so I'm more physically attractive. The best thing is, this is truly myself. All these hobbies I engage in now, I do them alone as in none of my friends share or like these things. But I'm sick and tired of trying to fit in and do things and be someone I'm not. I'm doing the things that I want to do, even if it means doing them alone. And I'm starting to meet people now who also share these hobbies. I quit facebook cause I'm tired of seeing all the people I used to hang out with in my 20s getting engaged or being with some new hot girl they're dating. I go see my close guy friends and have one or two pints just to catch up but that's it. The rest of the time, I'm engaged with my new hobbies and I'm focusing on my career to make good money so I can continue doing these hobbies (ballroom dancing schools aren't cheap). I haven't run into any girls yet who may be interested in me but I know that when I do, at least now I'm REAL. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. I'm never gonna be that funny guy or the popular guy or the good looking tall guy who never has to do anything but a ton of girls approach him. I'm never gonna be Mr. Charmer who can talk the pants off girls. I embrace my flaws but at least now I'm living my life in a much more authentic way than I was before. They say better late than never. I don't know if this helps anyone. I know sometimes its a tough road of loneliness we shy and sensitive guys are forced to walk but believe me, it's the only way. There are no shortcuts. Sometimes the hard way is the only way. Link to comment
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