8 years together, got engaged, she cheated.She came clean herself.

[ABrokenMan]

Hi all.

I have been dealing with a whirlwind of emotion the last few days. My fiance whom only got engaged a few months back after 8 years together (Without ever really fighting, either.) came to me a few days ago, finally saying that she felt we were growing apart, and that she thought we should just move on. This struck me as quite odd. We had been more distant, and I do have blame in that, wasnt intentional just, a mistake on my part. But it was odd she would throw in the towel on 8 years, and just now have this conversation. After pushing for answers, and telling her that I obviously still care, she broke down and told me she had cheated on me, that she was trying to avoid telling me because she figured we were done anyway since she had done this.

 

I surprisingly didnt cuss her out or throw her out, not because I am a push over, but I just couldnt bring myself to hate HER only what she has done. I was plenty angry, I AM plenty angry, im fuming, I am crying, I am sick and miserable. But I also see these same emotions in her, I see her breaking down when we talk. She told me that since I was trying to mend the problems, she couldnt just hide it from me and let me try to fix a lie, she had to come clean with it. The guy she had been chatting with off and on at work had been oh so eager to offer her support, and to hang out and do things. She lied to me about where she was, of course. She came hom eand lied more, to my face, which made this all the more painful. I cannot say whether I could ever trust her again.

 

I am not really looking for someone to make a choice for me, I know this is my decision and hers, too. I am just, I need to hear from people, I guess. This action really just doesnt seem to be in her character of who I have been with. I am sure people always feel that way, but its not as if she has a history of it. Of course, there is the line "that I am aware of", but she really wouldnt have even had opportunity before. That also bothers me that, opportunity came along, and she took it. It bothers me greatly that she went forward without stopping to think of all this BEFORE hand. The line was crossed and now everything is broken.

 

I will say, I cant see a reason to have told me really, aside from what reason she gave, that she did still want to be together and regrets what she has done, but felt if we were going to go forward I would have to know the full truth. That to me strikes me as good. She also has taken no issue with cutting all ties with this person. The job is likely a loss given the situation, but she isnt concerned with that. I havent felt like she is hesitant there. She hasnt had a lot of time to really think about it, as there are far more pressing issues.

 

It is frustrating that I was craving intimacy and she gave it to someone else like that, too... that hurts a lot. That with the lying are the most painful parts, its not like I didnt WANT intimacy. I was being less affectionate overall towards her, and more distant, but never cruel or completely uninterested. And I proposed, this happened after that... she was having doubts about the relationship prior, according to her, but said yes anyway because of how long she had been waiting (She wanted to get hitched long ago, I was slow about it.)

 

I should be clear, she hasnt placed the blame on me, not even partially. She has taken responsibility, saying that SHE ed us up and that she doesnt see how we could possibly move past this. That she cant believe she ever would do something like this, that she did though and she hates herself for doing it, and she hates how much pain she has caused me personally. I think she may even hate the pain she caused more than the fact she did it, im not sure if thats necessarily good or bad. She clearly hates all of it though. Unless its all one big show. But if its all one big show, just to stay, she would have to be playing one of the most impressive acts ive seen. In talking to me she isnt telling me how itll all be better and that I just need to give her a chance. She is telling me that she doesnt know how it would even be possible for us to move forward, that she knows I would always be doubting her, or thinking about the act itself. That she knows she broke my trust. She has answered my questions as I have asked them, no matter how painful. Some times she doesnt really have much of an answer, but most times she has something to give me. Like the lack of affection and feeling like I was growing uninterested. But she also reiterates that just because that was the case, doesnt mean its my fault, and she takes responsibility that she ed this up. That she shouldve been talking to ME not this eager .

 

The big question is, though, do I try to move forward with her, to rebuild what has been destroyed, or am I even a fool for thinking it. Of course most outsiders will tell me shes a , a , etc and that I am a moron if I stay. I cant blame them for thinking that, even I have my doubts whether its wise to stay. But I also know that in my previous relationship, I cheated once, and I felt so guilty and wrong over it that I have never done it since. And I didnt have the guts to tell that person, either. I feel like it took a lot for her to tell me. She couldve left it at "I started having interest in someone else" and never told me, just moved on, or worse yet stay together and not tell me. I likely would never have found out. She could have stayed, continued to see him behind my back, and never told me and unless he decided to seek me out, I wouldnt have known. He wasnt a mutual friend, and I never interacted with him really. So I tend to feel that those are good things in favor of it likely being a good person making a horrible, terrible decision.

 

But I of course cant help but doubt everything. I am over analyizing every word, trying to make sure I make the absolute right decision. Because I DO still love her, I ****ing hate what she did to me and to us, but I cant bring myself to hate her. I know if I stayed, and it ever happened again I WOULD hate her, and myself for being a fool. But I also know that I would regret not trying to forgive the person I have spent a large part of my life happily with, if it is possible for us to get past it, and she truly did "simply" make a huge mistake. From my perspective, MOST things point to her making a mistake, a bad line of decisions that led to things she shouldve and normally wouldnt have ever done. She says that she would never want to go through any of this ever again, with me or otherwise, that she is in too much pain over it.

 

Like I say, she went to her moms tonight (And yes, she is there. She was nice enough to call from there, and its out in the boonies. She just has no one to really talk to beisdes me, or him, and given the circumstances, he is not an option, period. There is no internet out there, nor does she currently have a cell phone, so I think its at least reasonably safe she isnt talking to him at all. She will have to say something at some point I guess, but thats a whole other ordeal.

 

What I wouldnt do to go back just 1 year, to open up our communication on both ends. While I didnt cheat on her, and while I never considered it, I had become frustrated and depressed by our distancing. And now talking about things, it was all so avoidable, that it frustrates me with myself, too. Not that I am blaming myself for her actions, nor her blaming me. It just hurts more to know, that had we both just talked about these issues more, we would be in a great place, and I dont see this happening in that case. It does worry me that if we ever have another down turn, that she would resort to this again, but at the same time, I feel like the pain she is showing and presumably feeling would be enough to get her to stop, and question what she was doing.

 

So, now that I wrote a novel.. any thoughts from anyone at all?

[ABrokenMan]

I should note, that I did or do have concerns that she just wasnt really ready to marry, became interested in other options, and now regrets that decision. But, I also feel like, if that was the case, she wouldnt have bothered telling me, she wouldnt be remotely willing to stop talking to this person and lose her job, etc. She has always talked about what type of future she wants in life.When I say she is a mess, I do sincerely believe that, I feel like she has been handling it almost worse than I have, as crazy as that may sound.

[shessofly]

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. Does she want to work on salvaging the relationship? What are your ages? What the delay in getting married about?

[ABrokenMan]

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. Does she want to work on salvaging the relationship? What are your ages? What the delay in getting married about?

 

Right now, she seems to be a mess herself. She WANTS the relationship back, she would rather go back and undo everything but that is far from an option. Moving forward though, I do believe she wants to, just doesnt know how we would do so. She doesnt blame me, but she knows my trust is completely destroyed and everything is a mess. She has spoken to her willingness to quit her job and such to avoid him to focus on us, without hesitating despite the need for income.

 

As for the delay. Partly my fault... income related issues, and just, time going by so quickly and finding ourselves just kind of going through life together. Its one of the things that was concerning her, and I completely agree; we really need to push our lives forward, and not find ourselves in a loop once more. I think that is very do-able, the desire is there on my part and at least was on her part, we just allowed ourselves to get 'stuck'. I am 31, she is 27 this year. She did date prior to me, and had a couple "long" relationships, but nothing like this, nothing so serious of course, she and I met when she was 18/19. Shes done some of her maturing and growing through our relationship, as have I.

 

As I mentioned before, I had already made this mistake in my past once. And it damn near killed me from the guilt of it, because its not who I am. It does help me to feel inclined to believe her when I see her like this, that she truly does regret it and get what she has done, because I certainly did. And its hard to believe that the person I was with for 8 years prior, was not her at all. We have grown and changed some, of course. But we both ultimately want the same goal, or at least did, so far as I am aware that hasnt changed, we both wanted a family, we are not people that necessarily take pride from work or careers though we would like to improve there.

 

I do sadly feel that I gave her some reasons to have doubts about our future together, because of some maturity issues I need to address. She SHOULD have been talking to me, and not this guy, but thats beyond changing now. Our lack of really deep conversation this year is really what it boils down to. Not that it justifies this in the slightest, but I can at least, at minimal, see why it even started in that direction. I still wish the thought of what she stood to lose wouldve came into her mind long before doing this, or even at minimal sooner than a couple months of it (There were, however, only a handful of encounters of any kind in those months. It wasnt as if she was with him every day or every week. I believe I recall 3 times. )

 

Its making me sick to think about it again. There are "points" in her favor for me trying to forgive and move on, but there are also a lot of points in the opposite direction, keenly the lying and act itself, and the pain it is causing me. It *WOULD* be easier to move on, without a doubt. Itd hurt for a long while regardless, but I wouldnt have to consider how she is doing or whether she will do it again etc. I would only have to think about me, and that is easier to do. Doesnt mean I necessarily think thats the right way to go either.

[ABrokenMan]

I forget if I mentioned it, but I mentioned that counseling for us would likely be part of the future if we continued. I got no argument, just an agreement that yeah that may be a good idea. I really do get the impression she is more hurt by hurting me than her actions, not that she doesnt hate her actions by any means, she has said a few times that she "didnt think she was the type of person to do this, especially after having it done to her" and proceeds to break down hard. This is a person that generally hides emotion fairly well, always has 'put on a face' if she has to get past something. But even when she seems to try to calm herself and has moments without breaking down, we discuss something and she breaks right back down.

 

Because I am not that type of person, at least towards her, I am doing everything in my power to not add to it. I know I cant punish her for it, that wouldnt be any healthier for us if we are to stay together, she has to feel her own pain and guilt from it (If she didnt, then I wouldnt even be considering staying.) If anything, I want to help her with it, but at the moment that feels, almost wrong because she did this to us and me, and I am hurting just as badly.

[ABrokenMan]

My plan for tomorrow, if we do see eachother and talk some more, is to talk less about what happened as we have covered it pretty in depth at this point, without being grotesque. We need to seriously discuss how she feels about the relationship and whether she partly did this because of doubts about settling down without having had a lot of time on her own, or if it was purely from feeling we were drifting so far apart and failing to communicate this with me better. She has to be able to honestly decide this for herself before we can really try to do anything, if she is unsure then it may be best for her to get more life experience away from me, as difficult as that is to accept. I cant explain why I am approaching this relatively calmly. I guess because I love her, and I know humans are prone to mistakes and failures.

 

I am sorry that this is so long, I felt it was important to discuss as much as humanly possible about this to paint a clear picture; advice given based on half a painting is not complete advice, either.

 

 

On my end, I think one of the most hurtful aspects linked to the sex itself, is that we have had years of difficulties in that area, due to a rape early in our relationship (3 months in). I stayed with her at the time, having thought she had cheated, but I was not kind to her at that time. Not intentionally, but I was obviously not supportive because I didnt know it was a rape (She took awhile to come to terms.). I also started having sex with her before she was really ready, because I felt hurt that she did it with someone else, not knowing the truth of the matter. We have talked about this since then, how part of her holds resentment still, not that she hasnt forgiven me and understands that I didnt know (NOT that that makes what I did right. It wasnt, and it took us a lot to move past this, but I felt we bonded far more than a normal couple having gone through such a rough spot. )

 

I spent so much time and energy trying to get past this issue with her, to be able to have a more normal intimate relationship, and we still had issues stemming from my actions at that time and the rape itself... to be told that she slept with this person with relatively little to no incident, THAT is INCREDIBLY painful for me. It puts me in lots of doubt, whether she lied, and whether I invested all that time only for someone else to get the positive result so readily... that is something I will be stuck on, and probably for a long time. I did tell her though, that SINCE she was able to do this, clearly there is still something she is holding on to towards me, whether it is because I am linked to the rape by being present during that time or by my own actions, there is an issue that would HAVE to be resolved. I had always assumed that it was just an issue she would have with anyone, but clearly, that isnt really the case. Its a huge blow to me though. I really struggle with this point, I have asked a lot of questions about the hows and why's and sorted it over and over.

 

Maybe its partly why I am trying to figure out if I can work with her or not, knowing what we have been through before, that we got through that, (though clearly some things still need addressed)... that I stayed when I thought she cheated 3 months in, and she hadnt. Granted I was a disaster at that time, I was not a good person for her, and she should have left me to be honest. I woke up to that fact, but not after hurting her during a time she needed someone. When she finally came to terms with being raped, I supported her and still do to this day... again, makes this all the more painful that sex was involved. I cant help but wonder if I am bad for her in the sense that she wont fully move on while with me. I certainly hope not, and she never seemed to think so, but its something we have to discuss deeply as well.

 

She did tell me, and I completely understand this, that she has her fears of trying to stay together that I would treat her and act close or how I did at that time. She said that she would even feel it was justified on my end, but that she just couldnt handle it, not with all her other emotions right now, and I completely get that. I dont even feel it would be justified, I feel bad that I ever was that wrong towards someone I grew to deeply love and cherish. I have regretted my actions since they happened. I guess maybe thats another reason I am slightly more inclined to believe in her, because I know that I have done things that hurt her immensely at the time and yet she still worked with me and has forgiven me, even if there are lingering issues she trust me and knows I would never do that to her intentionally again. It does hurt that she would do something that became that equally or more painful towards me, and I dont think it was out of 'revenge' this late in the relationship, but I have an easier time believing that she really did screw up drastically and regrets it. I havent seen her this emotional since the rape itself.

 

Sorry... yet more wall of text. But we have a long and complex history. I do feel that from this we built a strong relationship-- that it was only this last year that a communication breakdown on both our parts (I was dealing with a lot of insecurities over some weight gain and body issues, she is still far more fit than me and despite her words I still battled it and didnt really open up about it. Stupid on my part.) really was leading us in a bad direction. Prior to that, the years in between, were incredibly happy for both of us, and while we had our own separate things we would occasionally do, we spent most of our time together without issue. We were trying to find more new friends for both of us, because she lost all her friends, but we still were happy with each others company.

 

I wish so badly that instead of saying yes and then doing this thing that she had talked to me, voiced her concerns. I wish so, so badly that when the 'moment' first arrived that she wouldve thought of me, and the pain she would cause me. It really bothers me that it didnt cross her mind, or at least not enough. As anyone that has dealt with this knows, its going to take me quite awhile regardless if we stay or go.

 

 

Again, my apologies. Just giving any info that I feel may be important. I do worry that we are now damaged beyond repair. But I also do have to wonder whether we can build from here and bond even better than before. I just would worry that I would constantly feel like, if she ever got into a bad place in our relationship, that she would take the same course of action since there was no physical loss from her action if we stayed together -- she got to do what she did and have fun with him, while managing to keep me, too. That isnt to say she isnt hurting right now though, I do really think she is.

[ABrokenMan]

A small,hopefully last note. She didnt come to me begging for forgiveness. She has said she is so sorry for doing this, of course. But she isnt begging me to forgive her. She doesnt see how I *COULD* forgive her, at least that is what she says.

 

I hate all of this, so, so much. All of this pain for her extremely messed up choices is overwhelming. I guess thats the risk of dating at all, especially these days...

[shessofly]

So you have given a lot of information here. I think you should try to focus on yourself and what you want and need for now, and give her time to figure out if she even is interested in trying to reconcile. She will need to have the desire to do the hard work - but my concern is that the first thing she suggested was breaking up right at the onset of the confession.

 

You will, for the foreseeable future, have a lot of mistrust for her and experience a roller coaster of emotions. Counseling seems like it will be a necessity if you two are going to work things out because there is so much that has not been dealt with over the years. Re: the rape incident - explain why you didn't believe her?

 

Anyway...

 

I believe reconciliation can be successful for people who have been through this but it will be a long, hard journey and both must be fully 100% committed to working through all of the issues. Hopefully others will chime in. You might consider making a cliff notes version. Please keep posting/venting as needed.

[EtrnalOptimist]

She cheated on you. SHE did. Every single instance of infidelity requires one thing; to prioritise one's self-interest above all else. Including their significant other's heart and dignity.

 

Some try and blame their SO, some act contrite, but all are to blame. THEY chose to cross that line.

 

If you think, and WANT the relationship to be saved (think about you here; what were your honest feelings / thoughts before all this? Was it love or attachment?), you must accept one thing: SHE has to take the lead role in repairing the damaged trust and the hurt caused. And she must accept that too. This is absolutely critical.

 

With counselling, she may learn how, but the basic premise is SHE has to take responsibility for fixing it and for addressing the reasons it happened, or it will surely happen again.

 

"Once a cheater always a cheater" is a hard thing to go past, so you both have to work extra-hard to move on, and you need to look for early signs that at least genuine will to make it work is there

[thealchemist]

Broken trust is a hard thing to repair.

 

How will you truly trust her when she tells you she is out again?

 

Cheating is a symptom of a systemic relationship issue. It really never is a "unrelated to the relationship" issue.

 

I think that you will have better luck in life moving on. The repairing will take so long, if it is possible, then you very well might still never have what you had again.

 

I have absolute trust in my wife, that is a part of wjat makes us both great. I could never have that certainty of us if I couldn't trust her the way I do, and I wouldn't ever be able to overcome infidelity.

 

Best of luck in your decision.

[throwitaway201]

I didn't have time to read through all your follow-up posts in detail, but I will say this (and will find time to follow your thread going forward).

 

I recently split from a long relationship, similarly aged, after I caught her in an emotional online affair. It would have turned physical undoubtedly if there hadn't been a continent between them for the most part.

 

I did a lot of reading on infidelity cases during, and since, this happened to me, so here are the soundbites:

 

* Whatever talking you do with her right now, be prepared to find out things she isn't telling you. Please, please, please do not make the mistake of thinking that you 'know her' 100% right now. That may sound harsh, but it is so common among betrayed spouses (BP) to write what you have written, only to find out that their wayward spouse (WS) was holding back details.

 

* Protect yourself. You have to be willing to walk away from this relationship right now in order to save it. That's the truth. Don't play the 'pick me dance' with her. Look up the '180'. While you likely don't need to implement all of it, it will help you move one and put you in a position to heal (it's not about saving your relationship really).

 

* Read the first two points through again and again and again. Really consider them.

 

* She needs to give you access to all devices if you are the move forward. All passwords, all information about the other guy etc. Do not take her word for it. Too many people have been burned by doing this. There are people who have continued to cheat through marriage counselling. WSs are in survival mode and will do anything to protect their ownselves.

 

* This is not your fault. She went off to meet someone else, took her clothes off, got into bed, put him inside her and did absolutely nothing to stop it. This is on her and she should feel absolutely terrible.

 

Go over to survivinginfidelity.com or r/survivinginfidelity and read their cases. The rule is: no kids, not married? Get out now. Take that message seriously. It is given from people who have reconciled their marriages, and most wouldn't wish this process on anyone.

 

I vote for ending it now, unfortunately. You'll be happier in the long run to end it now, making it your decision to confidently walk away with her head held high, rather than trying reconciliation and finding more dirty details down the road, or for her to cheat again.

[jimthzz]

Get out and save yourself. Find someone who won't cheat on you, develop your picker. You can say the last 8 years were a waste of time. But no, I think not. You have been given a gift of a character study of someone who will cheat on you.

 

Now you know, move on.