I need to get out but I'm feeling guilty

[copperg]

I've been unhappy in my relationship for quite a while now, I feel so stupid writing this, but I don't know how, or if I should end it.

 

A bit of background. We've been together for nearly 10 years, since we were at school together, we were 14 and 16. He's the only person I've been in a proper relationship with. It used to be exciting, I couldn't wait to see him. We've been living together for a year and a half and have a 1 year old together.

 

I had PND after the birth of our son, which carried on, undiagnosed, until July this year when I just 'snapped out of it'. I've been using running as a way to get away and it's really made me so much happier and healthier. But it's also made me see how unmotivated and boring he and our relationship have become.

 

He's just not the guy I fell in love with, I'm not attracted to him. I love him, but as the Dad of my baby, nothing else.

 

The next part I feel so selfish and horrible about, but it's the thing that's stopping me doing anything.

 

If we did split, I don't know how I'd be able to look after my child. I love the area we live in, it's where I work, but I wouldn't be able to afford to keep the house we live in or pay the bills by myself. The last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents, I really don't know what to do. I'm seriously at breaking point!

 

I want a bit of fun. I don't want to feel committed to one person for the rest of my life and I really don't know how much longer I can live like this.

 

I've told him I don't think I love him, he know's I'm upset, he's trying to change, but I don't want him to change, I just don't want to be with him anymore. I have no idea what to do!

[ThatwasThen]

I think you're depressed. Get yourself into therapy to find out why you have a need to be uncommitted all of a sudden. You want to tear up your family because you're going through some stage that in no time at all and a little insight into how to make your life with him exciting again, you'll soon enough be over.

 

Can you articulate with a concrete reason why you don't want to be with him anymore?

[copperg]

Thanks for commenting!

 

To be honest, I probably am.

 

I found an old diary of mine from a few years ago with my goals for the next 1, 5 and 10 years. I had so many things that I didn't get a chance to do because of him.

 

Example; I finished university and wanted to move to a different city for a year to carry on studying, he wouldn't let me go because he didn't want to move with me, or only see me every couple of weeks. He's always been quite controlling (without being nasty) about who I go out with, and the people I talk to, so much that I've lost a few good friends. I've changed, he's changed me.

 

He has no hobbies, no interests, nothing that keeps him motivated, I've tried suggesting things, coming running with me (obviously we'd get a babysitter) and other things he used to be interested in. He works, he comes home, he eats, plays a game might talk to me for 10 minutes whilst watching tv and then goes to bed. We barely talk, we barely interact and I'm fed up of being the one to make an effort (this has been going on since January this year).

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks for commenting!

 

To be honest, I probably am.

 

I found an old diary of mine from a few years ago with my goals for the next 1, 5 and 10 years. I had so many things that I didn't get a chance to do because of him.

 

Example; I finished university and wanted to move to a different city for a year to carry on studying, he wouldn't let me go because he didn't want to move with me, or only see me every couple of weeks. He's always been quite controlling (without being nasty) about who I go out with, and the people I talk to, so much that I've lost a few good friends. I've changed, he's changed me.

 

He has no hobbies, no interests, nothing that keeps him motivated, I've tried suggesting things, coming running with me (obviously we'd get a babysitter) and other things he used to be interested in. He works, he comes home, he eats, plays a game might talk to me for 10 minutes whilst watching tv and then goes to bed. We barely talk, we barely interact and I'm fed up of being the one to make an effort (this has been going on since January this year).

 

Well, he needs to know that you're as unhappy as you are. You're bored, he's boring and you have, up until this point, allowed him to dictate your life for you. You can't be accepting of crap just because you fear you'll not be able to afford to stay in your current neighbourhood and his lack of attention to you, his zero romance and his taking you for granted is crap.

 

You have to tell him how close to leaving you are, how close to splitting all assets and having to share custody of your son it has become. Then ask him how the two of you can get back the excitement and interaction as a loving couple that you once shared. Have some ideas of your own and if he's not sussed to be worried about you leaving then get yourself to a lawyer and figure out what your rights and obligations are.

[ImokIthink]

"The grass is never greener on the other side but rather where you water it." Something I'm finally starting to grasp in this life of mine. I think 10 years together reveals that you guys have some pretty unique things that you admire about each other, see when you make your focus about the negatives and magnify it everything else becomes just that, rather reflect on the positives and build on those things that are going well in life, y'all obviously have a good place to call home, your needs and desires are important and the man is attempting get out his comfort and improve but yet you seem convinced that you want out. I might be missing something but this man is working to provide for you and his child and it seems you're selfishly concerned about only your needs being met. Find ways to make your relationship spark but it has to be joined effort.

[copperg]

Looking back I've only stayed with him because I was scared I wouldn't find anyone else (years of low self estime, that's finally changed). It's hard to think of anything positive about him now. I used to love his confidence, social life, motivation to better himself - there is genuinly nothing now. He's grumpy, unsocial, he works his ass off, hates his job but won't do anything about it. He's not depressed, he's just happy and comfortable with his life.

 

I feel like I've been trying to reignite things for the last 10 months or so. Nothings changed. He comes in with the emotional blackmail, I've been at work all day, I'll try to help out more - empty promises that materialise for 2-3 days and then were back in the same boat of arguing, ing and getting nothing back. I've lost count of the amount of times this has happened recently.

 

Kind of taken back by that, the last thing I would call myself is selfish. I've spent most of our relationship thinking about him first, everything I do is for him and my baby. I work as well, evenings whilst looking after our baby full time, so yeah he's providing, but so am I.

[Rustysuit]

 

I want a bit of fun. I don't want to feel committed to one person for the rest of my life and I really don't know how much longer I can live like this.

 

This right here says everything. You're either very immature or seriously depressed. Especially when you have a child together. Guess what? You already have a commitment for the rest of your life. 2 in fact. To your kid and to the father of your child.

 

You complain about how boring he is because you found out running is cool? Do you know how silly that sounds? How old are you again? 19, 20? You think you have it all figure out?

 

You say you don't love him and that's fine. Sometimes things don't work out, but whatever fault he has that you don't like, I doubt it's a deal breaker. It's just you and how you feel. Don't turn this around on him.

 

From the way you talk and the "fun" and the "not being committed to only one person for the rest of my life" it's on YOU. Not him.

 

Again, it's your choice, your right. You deserve to be happy and do whatever feels best, but don't lie to yourself. A guy with a child will never be 100% exciting.

 

Anyway, you need to do some growing up and put on your big girl pants and act on this relationship you hate that bores you.

[copperg]

Wow!

 

I'm 24, I know I have a commitment to them both. Read my replies, it's a crap and loveless relationship, he's stopped trying and I've spent so long trying to make things work, no need to be rude about it.

 

Wrong side of bed this morning?

[ThatwasThen]

He has a point, copperg...

 

Do you have friends? Interests? Hobbies? Anything that will get your mind off of NOT being committed to one person for the rest of your life?

 

Does he know how bored you are? Do YOU know how hard it will be for you to date about when you have the majority of the rearing of your child to do? Do you know that there won't be any help either physically or much financially if you don't get yourself into therapy and figure out why you two are in such a rut?

 

Marriage counselling and if he won't go then you go alone to your own therapist and figure yourself out.

[thealchemist]

I feel for you. I've been with my wife for over 13 years and we started dating in high school. I am 30 now.

 

My wife started to feel like you are describing at one point in our relationship. At around the 5 year mark before we got married. She told me how she was feeling without holding back any truths. She never got near as far as it seems you are in your unhappiness.

 

But it was still a punch in the face. She said she had tried to tell me several times but I didn't even realize the earlier attempts when she made then because she was blunting her true feelings to spare me, which is a terrible idea.

 

After she was honest we worked at it together a lot. Our relationship now is unbelievably great.

 

Did you tell your husband in no uncertain terms all the things you posted here? Because if you did and he just blows it off or stops trying after a token effort I can see why you are done.

 

But if you pulled your punches as to not hurt his feelings you are essentially giving up without trying.

 

Just to be honest you might have great luck hooking up with guys and stuff but as a 25ish year old with a kid if you are wanting a man of quality it might not be as easy of a search as you believe, especially if your husband is really devoted to you two.

[betterthanever]

Has he been evaluated for ADHD? I was in a relationship with someone I adored but felt so very abandoned within it. It is awful. I was depressed, and anger resulted. So did the need to emotionally connect with anything, anyone. I became someone I wasn't congruent with. Get help for yourself first, be clear on your needs, take Lexapro, communicate with no ambiguity. Then if you have to, leave. He may need help too! If there is ADHD, depression underneath his behaviors, it is at least explainable as is your reaction. Talk openly about this and see if he is willing to get himself looked at too.