Easily irritated by partner: causing huge strain

[Funkymonkey]

Hi everyone - I've recently turned 24 and have been dating my gf (27yo) for close to a year now. Just about 4 months ago, something my gf did triggered my irritation in which I nitpick everything action she makes. That was the day the honeymoon phased ended and my true colors showed.

 

We've had arguments about this (things she does that irritate me) many times and they usually end with me saying - "I will be more patient and understanding and forgiving and compromising;" and her saying - "I will be more aware of the things that trigger you, and [sometimes] - these things aren't even a big deal, so learn to appreciate me for who I am."

 

She is a very thoughtful, loving, kind, smart and strong woman (aquarius). I am a virgo who is very anal and very stubborn at many times. Maybe I'm even sociopathic, who knows? We're culturally very different even though we are both Chinese. I've spent many years of my life abroad. She's never lived abroad, but is not unfamiliar with western lifestyle. She, in my eyes, is a very ideal woman for me, but yet, all I feel are shortcomings. And when this happens, I snap on the inside, don't digest it very well, and I start to nitpick, and start to project this issue onto her as a whole (how she lives life this way). I become a bully, I say mean and cruel things and make her cry. Whenever this happens, I feel guilty, regret, and ashamed of myself for hurting my partner.

 

EG - when she charges her phone whilst sending me a voice message on the chatting platform, her message comes out distorted; we established this as a fact while speaking on the phone after this happened twice. After it happened again - I, being methodical about diagnosing issues, told her check if it was a software/hardware issue repeatedly because I got annoyed. She told me she'd check it out, and being unconvinced, I repeated myself. Then, later on, I brought her work life into this questioning her problem-solving skills. She said I was making the issue larger than it actually was (which she is fully correct about) and told me to let it go. Another instance was - she could not close a car door manually on a soccermom van because it wasn't automatic, so I had to show her how (pull handle, and slide car door till closed).

 

After all the arguments - I have not come around, and the issues are getting worse. I use cultural differences as an excuse to say she is the way she is and she'll never be able to understand where I am coming from. I've thought about breaking up to break the viscous cycle of tears and mean words. I've even contemplated on cheating, which I haven't done since I was 15 so I don't think that matters very much.

 

Has the relationship run its course? I'm stuck and I don't want to give up because of my irritation. I feel selfish for being with her so that I can learn to be more tolerant. Can you guys offer some perspective?

 

Thank you in advance for reading, apologies for the long post.

 

TLDR - irritation causing arguments, contemplating on breaking up.

[pippy longstocking]

Yeah just walk away mate ...I always start to get irritated at the end of relationships and I know when that hits it is game over .

[DanZee]

It seems like you're either trying to find an excuse to break up with her, (or make her break up with you), or you're trying to break her of her spirit and control her. I would say that you've started to emotionally abuse her. The question is why? What's going on with you? Why are you so angry? You may need to talk to someone about your anger issues. You only want to cheat because you're trying to hurt her. I don't think cultural issues have anything to do with this problem.

[Seraphim]

When you are irritated about everything and making someone cry call it a day .

[rosephase]

Dude you need to check in with yourself. What you describe is abusive. It's okay to be irritated at a partner. I love my partner of 12 years deeply and no one on earth can irritate me like him. But you are getting so irritated you are intentionally saying mean things. You are hurting her so much emotionally she is in tears... over your irritation? You are hurting her on purpose. That isn't healthy.

 

Saying things to hurt a person you love is abusive. It doesn't matter how irritating they are. It doesn't sound like you are emotionally ready to be in a long term committed relationship.

[Funkymonkey]

It seems like you're either trying to find an excuse to break up with her, (or make her break up with you), or you're trying to break her of her spirit and control her. I would say that you've started to emotionally abuse her. The question is why? What's going on with you? Why are you so angry? You may need to talk to someone about your anger issues. You only want to cheat because you're trying to hurt her. I don't think cultural issues have anything to do with this problem.

This did occur to me - where I am intentionally sabotaging our relationship. Point taken - it's become abusive. I definitely need to check myself. I only project my anger and irritation on her, and I think it could be because of my expectations vs reality, and how they differ makes it hard for me to digrst correctly - so I snap and lash out on her. Thanks for the comment and taking your time to read the post.

[Funkymonkey]

Yeah just walk away mate ...I always start to get irritated at the end of relationships and I know when that hits it is game over .

 

It definitely seems to be headed this way. Thanks for your input dude.

[Funkymonkey]

Dude you need to check in with yourself. What you describe is abusive. It's okay to be irritated at a partner. I love my partner of 12 years deeply and no one on earth can irritate me like him. But you are getting so irritated you are intentionally saying mean things. You are hurting her so much emotionally she is in tears... over your irritation? You are hurting her on purpose. That isn't healthy.

 

Saying things to hurt a person you love is abusive. It doesn't matter how irritating they are. It doesn't sound like you are emotionally ready to be in a long term committed relationship.

 

I hear you. Because I'm not emotionally ready to commit for a long term relationship and can't be mature enough to compromise, and instead I lash out on my partner. Thank you for the comment.

[johndoe13]

Although the issues you have with you girlfriend are very different from my now ex; your irritation sounds familiar. Read my long crazy threads. Basically you need to break up with her ASAP. I drilled my ex girlfriend about no being affectionate enough, her past sexual history, her quietness, her not being really into me....etc...for almost five years. She was not perfect, but I was far from it. Today, I am alone and figuring out what I want to do with my life and my issues.

1. you two are not really compatible which you point out already.

2. You are pretty much projecting how you feel about yourself onto her. By nitpicking on her so much you become perfect. As a poster said above, since inherently you know there is something wrong...you are trying to end the relationship without ending it. Take the plunge you will be happier.

3. Your issues are getting worse...which means you should not get further into the rabbit hole and not fixing your issues.

 

 

 

Breaking up is really hard. We are afraid of being alone. Relationship bring out things that we don't know about ourselves (specially bad ones). If we can't identify and resolve them in the relationship we need to leave and deal with the underlying issues before contemplating a new one. It is clear that the issue is not the distorted messages, her not being able to close a door, her work life, her tech skills........ it is more profound than this.

Find what is really going on with YOU (and work on it).